Starring Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Rated 14A. Opens Friday, June 29, at the Ridge Theatre

Oh, that’s adorable. A teddy bear is smoking a bong and a hooker took a dump on the floor. Awww. And now the teddy is beating the living shit out of Mark Wahlberg. This movie is so excellently obscene and offensive, it would be super great if my dick neighbours would accidentally take their dick kids to it. Oops, did I write that? I’m pretty sure that was the rude teddy bear writing through me. Yeah, my neighbours are dicks, but they don’t even have kids. That was the bear again.

All you sick, immature bastards who watch Seth MacFarlane’s twisted, sadistic animated TV show Family Guy will probably get your sick, immature rocks off watching MacFarlane’s first feature, Ted. Those of us who are simply genetically predisposed to sick immaturity without television—and who enjoy sentiments like “I really hope you get Lou Gehrig’s disease”—might have a happily wrong time too.

The teddy bear comes alive after young John makes a wish. Whoa. This stuffy looks cool—even if you’re usually creeped out by toys coming to life in movies. John grows up into Wahlberg, and the bear, Ted, grows up to have MacFarlane’s voice (sounding like his Family Guy’s Peter Griffin) and gets arrested for possession of mushrooms at the airport. John’s girlfriend, Lori (Mila Kunis), tires of Ted’s pot-and-hooker habit, weirdly, and gives John an ultimatum. Funny trouble ensues.

Wahlberg and Kunis play great, relaxed straight amidst the oddly sweet silliness. Ted has many nasty one-liners. Here’s one: “I’ll tell you what I’ve got: your wife’s pussy on my breath.” For a bear with no junk, Ted gets it on. Giovanni Ribisi is an awesomely strange baddie who does an icky dance to Tiffany. Yep, MacFarlane (with Family Guy cowriters Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild) is pop-cult crazy. Sam J. Jones, of 1980’s awesomely bad Flash Gordon, charmingly appears and snorts coke. Wait. Is that Ryan Reynolds getting a little out there? Well.

Watch the trailer for Ted.