The Twilight Saga: New Moon puts a slick shine on a glum story

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When did turning 18 become such a bummer? In the moody, angsty The Twilight Saga: New Moon—the second film based on Stephenie Meyer’s feverishly popular teen vampire novels—being an 18-year-old human girl with an always-17 undead boyfriend suddenly makes you a cougar. You have nightmares of looking like grandma while your beloved still looks as dewy as the day you met. Even if he is 109.

In part two, Bella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart) rock star of a vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), not only won’t give her that kiss of immortality that would keep them in each other’s sparkly arms forever, but he skips town. Cue the seriously mopey music.

You feel Bella’s pain—it’s an intense display of teen heartbreak—because who doesn’t miss those slo-mo shots of Edward walking across the school parking lot? As it happens, the broody Edward is pretty AWOL for the next hour, possibly a tad disconcerting for audience members inclined to shriek at the sight of him.

What happens next is best summed up as, uh, who let the dogs out? Rabid fans will know, but let’s just say that cute Native Jacob (Taylor Lautner) suddenly becomes freakishly ripped and he and his bros start running around in cutoffs that make them look like a pack of Incredible Hulks. Coincidentally, really huge vampire-chomping wolves—entertainingly CGI-cool—appear in the forest.

Chris Weitz (The Golden Compass) has made a slick movie, but he and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg got saddled with a story that, although absorbing, is pretty glum. The pulse quickens when Bella flies to Italy—on Virgin Airlines, natch—to save Edward from a creepy vampire cult. Michael Sheen vamps witty as a canny, bewigged bloodsucker, but was there detectable heat between Edward and Jane, Dakota Fanning’s mini-dominatrix vampire? That would have bite.