Justin Bieber’s badass antics could use a lot of work
In hindsight, it’s amazing it took Justin Bieber so long to morph from tweenie fart-pop sensation to flaming rock ’n’ roll douchebag. Actually, that’s not entirely fair—the rock ’n’ roll part, that is.
To legitimately earn a spot beside Hall of Fame fuck-ups like Axl Rose, Scott Weiland, and Vince Neil, you need to go the extra distance. Forget screwing up a couple of European concerts and staggering off-stage for a toot of mandarin-scented concentrated oxygen: true divas earn their reputations by giving the tabloids something juicy to work with. They treat their girlfriends as human piñatas, crack up cars with a blood-alcohol level high enough to stun a mule named Mel Gibson, and throw Green Day–size hissy fits at multinational-corporation concerts while being paid enough to feed Rwanda.
Stratford, Ontario’s most famous son has spent the past week taking the easy way out.
Up until now, the 19-year-old singer has been something of a national treasure, to the point where you couldn’t criticize him without the twats at our local webpapers getting their politically correct Stanfields in a knot. How great has Biebs been for Canada? Normally, the only reason anyone wants to visit Stratford is to have a good giggle while posing for a picture in front of the FAG Bearings factory. Not that there’s anything wrong with that—the FAG Bearings factory, that is, not the giggling.
Now that he’s old enough to order a Steam Whistle shandy in his home province, Bieber has decided it’s time to get all badass. You can tell by his ever-growing crop of tattoos. And the fact that he’s now taking his hairstyle cues from Morrissey, as opposed to that dead guy from the Monkees.
What better way to announce that he’s all grown up than by treating his fans—90 percent of whom have yet to outgrow their My Little Pony training bras—like hunks of Grade-A shit?
As has been exhaustively reported in the media, Bieber spent the first week-and-a-half of March ripping it up in Europe. The singer got thrown out of bars on his birthday. Sadly, this wasn’t for puking in a urinal, starting a fistfight with Liam Gallagher, or shagging Emma Stone on a table in the VIP area. It was because Bieber forgot he was on babysitting duty, his posse getting the bum’s rush for including underage Jaden Smith, the 14-year-old son of Will Smith.
If that was forgivable, not to mention laughable, Bieber showing up two-and-a-half-hours late for a March 4 concert at 02 Arena in London certainly wasn’t. The same goes for bolting from the stage before finishing his set at the same venue three days later, reportedly for an oxygen break. And cancelling a gig in Portugal, where the only thing most kids have to look forward to is playing soccer with a dead rat.
If you want to show up two hours late for a fucking show, put together Guns N’ Roses Mach II with Slash, Duff, and Izzy, start wearing dong-highlighting biker shorts and army boots, and stagger on-stage whenever you fucking feel like it. Preferably in Montreal, where they haven’t had a good reason to riot since James Hetfield got rid of his mullet.
While you’re at it, get a giant pile of coke and snort it until the only orifice that gets you high is your anus, rent a boat and honk the horn with your baby maker, and hire Chris Brown to remove the brown M&Ms from your backstage candy bowl. Follow that up by getting back together with Selena Gomez and then enlisting Taylor Swift to film you stuffing a mudshark into her snapper while you bite the head off a bat at the Edgewater Hotel in Seattle.
No one can dispute, Justin Bieber, that you’ve become a world-class douchebag. If you don’t want to be sitting beside amateurs like Nick Carter in the also-ran file five years from now, however, you are going to have to seriously try harder.
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