Robin Thicke is all about tits and nothing but tits

Sex sure as shit sells, as we’ve learned over the years. But, Jesus Christ, did Robin Thicke really have to take things so far? The answer is, of course, hell yes. Obviously a smart businessman, Thicke no doubt thought long and hard about setting up the release of his sixth and most successful studio album, Blurred Lines.

That’s paid off handsomely. Five months after the album’s “Blurred Lines” video first had teenage boys reaching for the Crisco tubs and Kleenex boxes, the neo–R&B singer’s latest is firmly wedged on the Billboard charts at number one.

The record has cashed in, massively, on the reality that summertime is hornytime. The hotter the weather, the more you want to fuck anything that moves. And you aren’t alone. Why is half the population of Vancouver walking around displaying their wares in ways that would cause riot police in Tehran to break out the bean-bag guns? Because when it’s hot out, everyone totally wants to do it like James Deen and Stoya, and will resort to whatever means possible to send out the Bat Signal.

Admit it: two solid months of watching your half-naked fellow citizens strut around in ass-clinging shorts, G-strings, and midriff-baring T-shirts has turned you into an unrepentant fucking pervert. (And ladies, you look pretty great too.) At this point in the season, masturbation isn’t a sin, but a necessary coping mechanism. (Fellows, this probably goes for you too.)

This brings us back to Robin Thicke and Blurred Lines. Guess how the singer spends his days, including the morning of August 13, when he guested on CTV’s Canada AM? Talking about the video for “Blurred Lines”, which deserves much of the credit for the album going stratospheric.

If you haven’t seen the clip, you might want to jack off before you do, especially if you plan to watch it in the company of your friends, grandparents, baseball team, or parole officer. That’s because Thicke, along with his guest stars Pharrell and T.I.­, spends the entire four minutes and 30 seconds on-screen celebrating something truly, epically, eye-poppingly gorgeous: the tits of super-fine models Emily Ratajkowski, Jessi M’Bengue, and Elle Evans.

That’s right—they aren’t out to portray themselves as refined, Justin Timberlake–like gentlemen lovingly admiring the delicate female form, but instead are selling one thing and one thing only, and that’s tits, with the models hired to do nothing but stand there shaking their stunning knockers while looking bored and occasionally mouthing “meow”. (Actually, that’s not totally true. Thicke is also selling epically, eye-poppingly gorgeous ass cheeks, said trio of women also shaking their flesh-coloured-G-string–flossed rumps like Sir Mix-a-Lot never went out of style.)

Fully clothed, while doing his sexiest white Michael-Jackson-before-Michael-Jackson-went-white croon, the singer stands there admiring the sweet, insanely perfect funbags of the hired help while singing, “I know you want it.” And you know why it’s hard to judge the man, even though Bikini Kill fans are currently wondering where everything went so terribly wrong in the world? That’s easy. Because it’s summertime and we’re all hornier than hell, to the point where that’s what we do when we’re walking down the street: store up footage for the spank bank.

Robin Thicke doesn’t bother pretending he’s anything other than a human being helpless to stare at what God has chosen to put in front of him. Hands up, given the summer weather, if you can relate. Guys—you too.

 

Follow Mike Usinger on the Tooter at twitter.com/MikeUsinger

Comments (12) Add New Comment
DavidH
Oddly enough, the Straight only exists because "sex sells".

I'm not opposed to that, but I'm not silly enough to slam-baste somebody like Robin Thicke for discovering the same reality.

Sex sells. Duh. Move on or move out.
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Frank M.
WTF is the point of this article? Whatever it is, it's lost (as always) in Usinger's angry,unfocused and sloppy adolescent ranting. If that's all it takes to write 'music reviews' for The Straight, I have a 15 year old nephew looking to make some extra cash.
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DavidH
@ Frank M: Don't be silly. There's no way your 15-year-old nephew would use these phrases in a few paragraphs:

"Sex sure as shit sells", "teenage boys reaching for the Crisco tubs and Kleenex boxes", "fuck anything that moves", "unrepentant fucking pervert", "masturbation isn’t a sin, but a necessary coping mechanism" and "if you haven’t seen the clip, you might want to jack off before you do".

Nor would your nephew write a comment about Justin Bieber that included variations of "shit" (e.g. shitheel, shithead, etc.) in every sentence.

Nope, sorry, the Straight is looking for really MATURE music critics like Usinger. Not foul-mouthed kids. ;)
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biancacruz
Very immature rant/article. I could do without the profanity and not everyone is a pig.
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Won Hung Lo
Got some growing pain.
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Bargh
Write a good article and maybe you'll get more than 5 comments? Boourns.
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Carlos
Great parodies out there as well... one by Mod Carousel for example.
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AG
Hi Mike -

Had to chuckle as I skimmed the other comments, as I'm writing to say: I thought the article was tight, funny, and it got me off my ass and into the house to go check out the vid.

Great article!

AG
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Rating: -23
Stern Girl
I heard RT on Howard Stern show recently, he said his female manager insisted they try the naked girl thing, and even after Robin saw it, he wasn't convinced the footage wasn't going to end up on the cutting room floor. The manager was the real decision maker- Robin showed the video to his wife (together since they were like 14 or something) and she loved it, so Robin went with it. He also said he picked those girls purposely because they were not dancers, and he told the other guys to "old man dance, like hand on your back dancing". Its really a great diss on basic pop these days, but a ton of fun. I f'in love the video and the song. And now I totally have respect for RT- he was an unknown song writer growing up in his fathers footsteps- years ago, when Allen Thicke was also on the Howard Stern show he said to Howard "One day you will be playing my son's music on your show". He also had amazing stories of his Dad banging all sorts of women, Gretzkys wife swimming naked in their see through hot tub, and him trying to give his Dad's women back rubs while they were waiting on Allen. He said the one thing he could do better than his Dad was marriage and that the song really celebrates his Wife and his relationship ( as over the years they have tried all sorts of dirty stuff). Anyway, sorry for long post. Thought the interview was awesome.
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Former GS Fan
I'm guessing this is satire, but I just had to let you know that just reading this article has convinced me not to check out the video,
And to spend the rest of the summer wearing sweatpants and a baggy ass t-shirt.
Sorry for your epic boner, I didn't mean to send out the "bat signal" it was just hot outside, and I stupidly thought it was ok for me to exist in hot weather without people staring at my ass like a hungry dog at a butcher shop window. Cheers.
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A. MacInnis
What's this - a whole article about masturbation and the word "furtive" isn't used once!
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This article = effective birth control
God, hornytime officially ended when I had to envision Mike Usinger slapping his sweaty salami all summer. Traumatized.
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