Right about now, in anticipation of the season ahead, the man sometimes known as St. Nick is probably on the kind of diet that gets Fitness World doing booming business come January. We’re talking Ding Dongs, Krispy Kremes, and Baileys straight from the bottle. Don’t let the guy also known to John Waters as Fat Daddy have all the fun. As you start down the wonderful road to ruin this Christmas, don’t forget to catch as many of the following shows as possible, some of which will offer the opportunity to sing “Frosty the Snowman” until you are bluer in the face than a dead smurf. Happy holidays.

Johnny Reid (at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre on November 21)
Making spirits brighter: Scrooges might argue that the third week of November is a tad early to start celebrating the season. As anyone who has ever watched Canadian Tire roll out the inflatable Rudolphs on October 28 knows, however, the most wonderful time of the year now begins before the eggs and toilet paper start flying on Devil’s Night. There’s also an argument to be made that Christmas songs in November are no stranger than the idea of a Canadian country star who spent the first 15 years of his life living on haggis and Ardbeg in Scotland. Reid’s touring on a record called A Christmas Gift to You, which will at least sound better a month before December 25 than a month after.
Gift it with: A tartan guitar shaped like a set of bagpipes, no doubt available at the Mike Myers–owned chain store If It’s Not Scottish, It’s Crap.

Nine Inch Nails (at Rogers Arena on November 21)
Making spirits brighter: Speaking of Halloween, there’s also a good case to be made that Trent Reznor is a little late. Nine Inch Nails’ brand of nihilistic industrial mayhem has as much to do with Xmas as Marilyn Manson, black lipstick, and George A. Romero do. Consider this a good opportunity to purge the darkness before the first snowfall of the season.
Gift it with: Earplugs, because if you’ve heard NIN’s latest, Hesitation Marks, you know that Reznor winning an Oscar a couple of years back has done nothing to make him less loud or angry.

Steve Aoki (at UBC Thunderbird Arena on November 23)
Making spirits brighter: Deadmau5 might have that giant rodent’s head, and Skrillex indisputably owns the title of EDM’s official heavyweight champion, but you know what you won’t see at their shows? That’s easy: a DJ surfing the crowd in an inflatable rubber dinghy while showering fans with champagne and cake. Like Kim Mitchell, Florida at spring break, and Paris Hilton during her ’ho-bag years, Steve Aoki is a wild party. The California producer hits Vancouver to support his upcoming collection of stadium-size bangers, Neon Future.
Gift it with: A Chemical Brothers Dig Your Own Hole tour T-shirt, to help your loved one prove they were into this EDM stuff before anyone—except, that is, for original fans of Kraftwerk, Utah Saints, 808 State, Cabaret Voltaire, and too many others to list here.

Barney Bentall & the Grand Cariboo Opry (at the Vogue Theatre on November 23)
Making spirits brighter: Somewhere along the line Christmas stopped being a reason to celebrate the birth of the sweet baby Jesus, and instead became all about unbridled avarice and insatiable greed. The focus on old-timey music aside, the great thing about the Grand Cariboo Opry is that it gives you the chance to build up some good-karma credit over the holidays. As in past years, the variety show—a mix of roots classics and storytelling—will benefit the Potluck Café Society in the Downtown Eastside, providing funding for meals and jobs.
Gift it with: A 10-gallon cowboy hat and a gift certificate for Nudie’s Rodeo Tailors. Or better yet, take whatever you were going to spend and donate it to a charity.

John Legend (at the Orpheum Theatre on November 24)
Making spirits brighter: The problem with most hip-hop is that you can’t really hump to it—has anyone ever got lucky by cueing up Snoop Dogg’s “Bitch Please” and then screaming, “Suck it”? John Legend deserves some modicum of respect, then, for perfecting what Tim Meadows might call Ladies’ Man rap. The neo-soul singer’s latest, Love in the Future, is packed with the kind of sultry grooves guaranteed to make the Calvin Kleins hit the floor—and not because they’ve been whipped at someone’s head.
Gift it with: Lube, in the unlikely event a night at John Legend doesn’t do the trick.

Drake (at Rogers Arena on November 28)
Making spirits brighter: Some people—Justin Timberlake, Juliette Lewis, and that insufferable twat from 30 Seconds to Mars—aren’t happy in one discipline, instead aiming for nothing less than full-on world domination. Toronto byproduct Drake is one of those people. After making an early name for himself as an actor on Degrassi: The Next Generation, the man born Aubrey Graham evidently came to the realization that Canadian television stars don’t get invited to all the right parties anywhere other than Revelstoke. Enter the birth of Drake the rapper, whose numerous Billboard records and closets full of Grammy and Juno awards prove that some people make the transition from acting to music a little easier than Keanu “Dogstar” Reeves.
Gift it with: Everyone loves sweatshirts, especially when they are silk-screened with “Degrassi Drama”, which you can find at the Degrassi website.

Matthew Good (at the Orpheum Theatre on November 28)
Making spirits brighter: Have you ever seen pictures of Matthew Good’s Maple Ridge house? The guy lives in something ripped straight from the pages of Better Cribs and Gardens, which, one supposes, is a reward for sticking around in an industry where longevity is the exception rather than the norm. The notoriously outspoken, politically aware ’90s rocker has just released his sixth solo album, Arrows of Desire, keeping him at a level where he’s playing soft-seaters instead of Astorino’s on Commercial Drive.
Gift it with: The collected works of Noam Chomsky, the teachings of whom probably mean more to Good than all his gold and platinum records combined.

Beyoncé (at Rogers Arena on November 30)
Making spirits brighter: If the billing on the electric sign outside Rogers Arena is right, some show called Mrs. Carter is headed to town. You might know the star better as Beyoncé, whose latest touring production opens with her dressed like a more upscale Marie Antoinette and ending with her literally flying around the rafters amid clouds of glitter. Somewhere in between this there are fireworks, synchronized dancing, and a shit-ton of songs that you hear played 10 times an hour on 94.5 The Beat.
Gift it with: Two bottles of Beyoncé perfume. Beyoncé herself (along with an army of folks in some lab) designed the fragrance with the mantra “I want women to feel sexy, strong, empowered, and I want them to feel like they can conquer anything.” Too bad that, even if you start bathing in the shit, you’ll wake up to discover you are still pathetic old you.

Arctic Monkeys (at the Vogue Theatre on December 1 and 2)
Making spirits brighter: Sit down and think about it, and the name Arctic Monkeys makes about as much sense as the Tropical Rainforest Penguins or Sahara Desert Mudsharks: said creatures simply don’t bloody well exist. Let’s give the pride of Sheffield, England, a little slack, however, and not just because they’ve got more Mercury Prize nominations than Pete Doherty does drug busts. The Brit rock group’s latest, AM, debuted at number one on the charts in the U.K., giving it something in common with every album the band has ever released.
Gift it with: A can of fake snow and one of those primate suits from that Bloodhound Gang video for “The Bad Touch”, which will help give folks a good idea what an arctic monkey might look like.

Pearl Jam (at Rogers Arena on December 4)
Making spirits brighter: If all the hoopla earlier this year for the anniversary of Nirvana’s In Utero taught us anything, it’s that the Seattle grunge era might be long gone, but it certainly hasn’t been forgotten. Until Kurt Cobain returns from the grave, Pearl Jam will remain the Emerald City’s undisputed alternative heavyweights, partly because, unlike every other major act from that scene, it never broke up or had someone die. The band’s latest, Lightning Bolt, has been called an impressive return to form by four out of five critics, which should stop the guy in the seat behind you from yelling “Play something from Ten” every 16 seconds, but probably won’t.
Gift it with: Everybody Loves Our Town: An Oral History of Grunge by Mark Yarm, which will make you really feel like you were there back when flannel was all the rage and the coolest city in the world was just down the I-5.

Folk for the Holidays (at Ukrainian Orthodox Hall on December 7)
Making spirits brighter: Do you enjoy roasting in the sun every summer on the shores of Jericho Beach while the likes of Steve Earle and Lucinda Williams serenade you from the Main Stage of the Vancouver Folk Music Festival? If so, help one of the city’s most cherished and long-running events out by breaking out the tanning butter and getting down with Pacifika, the Nautical Miles, and Jenny Ritter (the latter performing with the Kingsgate Chorus, which is not to be confused with the considerably more sketchy Kingsgate Mall Chorus).
Gift it with: A crisp $100 bill, as Folk for the Holidays will also include a silent auction, a bar, and plenty of food (presumably including sweet-and-sour pierogies, curried pierogies, creole-spiced pierogies, sushi-stuffed pierogies, and pierogies filled with maple syrup and ice-cream).

Top Less Gay Love Tekno Party: A Holiday Spectacular (at Venue on December 11)
Making spirits brighter: Presumably we’re not going to get exactly what’s being advertised, namely a topless gay-love techno party; the local faves headlining things have more of an indie-pop reggae vibe. Whatever—that’s not going to stop us from stripping off our shirts and giving ’er like Soft Cell never dropped off the charts.
Gift it with: A Fitness World membership, because if you’re going to gear down in public, you won’t want to look like you’ve spent the past two months having breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Rob Ford’s All You Can Eat Buffet.

Heart (at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre on December 13)
Making spirits brighter: At this point in the game, 97 percent of the bands that once made the ’70s rock scene are either long gone or playing the Skagit Valley Casino on Fossils Fridays. Any doubts as to whether Heart has lost its power were answered last year with the band’s stunning cover of Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” at the Kennedy Centre Honors. The Wilson Sisters will tackle a different set of classics for this show, which is another way of saying that you can bet your Dog & Butterfly picture disc you’ll be hearing “Jingle Bell Rock”.
Gift it with: The keys to a 1976 Gremlin, a can of Aqua Net hairspray, and a blow dryer to help create the look that will have people murmuring “that area man’s hair is feathered like the wings of a majestic bird.”

Jon and Roy’s Holiday Special (at the Vogue Theatre on December 13)
Making spirits brighter: As sure as Jesus was born in a manger and Santa needs to go to Weight Watchers, Jon and Roy’s Holiday Special looks like the sleeper event of the season. In addition to the genre-jumping Victorians on the main card, you’ll be getting appearances by hip-hop maverick Buck 65, Mother Mother’s Ryan Guldemond, Portlandia folk-rockers Horse Feathers, and more. With the show taking place 12 days before Christmas, you and that partridge in a pear tree can pretty much start the full-blown party, and then keep it rolling until the firefighters arrive to dislodge the fat guy from the chimney.
Gift it with: Bus tickets to Courtenay, where Jon and Roy will do the same show all over again on December 14.

Hannah Georgas (at the Commodore Ballroom on December 19)
Making spirits brighter: Ever sunk into a soul-sucking depression after watching A Charlie Brown Christmas? Hannah Georgas—pegged by many for imminent pop stardom in Canada—can no doubt relate. The Vancouver-via-Newmarket, Ontario singer plumbed the dark depths of her psyche last year with an eponymously titled full-length, exploring broken relationships and dashed dreams. Lest that sound like the last thing you need right before Christmas, rest assured that the singer’s smart pop hooks will have you up and shaking your shortbread-ravaged ass. Unless, that is, you are too bummed out by A Charlie Brown Christmas to function.
Gift it with: It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, so you can start a new holiday tradition, namely getting depressed as shit for Halloween.

Hedley (at the Hard Rock Casino on December 20)
Making spirits brighter: Believe it or not, Hedley’s most laudable achievement hasn’t been proving that Canadian Idol was good for something other than filling out CanCon obligations. Since appearing on the show, singer Jacob Hoggard has led the pop band named after the B.C. town no one dreams of visiting to consistent hit-making status on this side of the border, with the group’s latest, Wild Life, having already spawned a platinum-plus single with “Anything”.
Gift it with: Surely there has to be a gift shop in Hedley selling coffee mugs, shot glasses, and condoms emblazoned with the town’s name. If not, feel free to give Canadian Idol–spawned greatest hits collections from Theo Tams, Brian Melo, Eva Avila, Melissa O’Neil, Kalan Porter, and Ryan Malcolm. Don’t worry—although Santa probably knows exactly who those folks are and whether they’ve been naughty or nice, their names didn’t mean anything to us either.