Holiday discs 2013: A sleighful of seasonal song

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Considering that our favourite Christmas movie of all time is It’s a Wonderful Life, lately we’ve been thinking about how no one has really captured the spirit of Frank Capra’s classic film in song. Honestly, can it be that hard to sum up, in a radio-friendly three minutes, the heartwarming tale of a hard-drinking hothead who pushes his wife around, yells at his kids, smashes the furniture in violent rages, and drunk-drives around Bedford Falls after getting into fights at the local bar? Isn’t Morrissey up for the job?

Until someone comes along with a song titled “I Wanna Do Bourbon Shots With George Bailey”, we’re going to have to make do with more traditional Christmas fare like “Jingle Bells”, “Frosty the Snowman”, and “Deck the Halls”. And you know what? As sure as Santa wouldn’t have a reindeer team if that fucking asshole Ted Nugent lived at the North Pole, those songs are okay with us.

Hell, when it comes to Christmas music, we pretty much love anything that makes reference to silver bells, falling snow, or 40-proof cups of cheer. We also love the kind of numbers that get staffers fired for spinning them at daycare gigs, including “Here Comes Fatty Claus”, “Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmas”, and “Back Door Santa”.

Our Christmas obsession is so full-blown that we’ve spent the past week hunkered down in front of our computer speakers while you’ve been out riding the Stanley Park Bright Nights Christmas Train, enjoying the Festival of Lights at VanDusen Botanical Garden, and getting your picture taken with Santa at Kingsgate Mall. As a result, you’ve got it made if you’re looking for those perfect additions to Bing Crosby, Burl Ives, and Sufjan Stevens on that festive-season iPod playlist. For your shopping (which is to say, vinyl purchasing at Zulu Records) convenience, we have assigned each of them a visual rating. The things we liked got a wrapped present, the merely serviceable got the utilitarian tighty-whiteys, and the crap got a Charlie Brown tree.

In the meantime, Morrissey, please get busy working on that It’s a Wonderful Life future classic. We’ve even got the song title for you: “It’s Not a Wonderful Life When You’re as Miserable as Me”.

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