Miley Cyrus twerks into Vancouver with a selfie-friendly spectacle

 At Rogers Arena on Friday, February 14

Long gone are the days where you had to be bribed with a Girls Gone Wild hat to flash some skin for a creep with a camera. In 2014, young women hound party photographers and proudly share the results on Instagram and Twitter. No pop star exemplifies this mindset more than Miley Cyrus, whose sexual awakening last year infuriated your Us Weekly­–subscribing mother and clogged your social media feed.

Barely legal females ditched their boyfriends on Valentine's Day to fill Rogers Arena for the first stop of the former Hannah Montana’s hotly anticipated Bangerz Tour. While many came dressed in looks inspired by Miley, it was hardly a "trying to get a line in the bathroom" crowd—queues for Mike's Hard Lemonade were dwarfed by ones at merch stands that sold inflatable bananas and detritus featuring photos by your favourite pervball, Terry Richardson.

Smilers came ready to soak up pop hits while poppin' their asses. There was one question to be answered though: would their headline-hogging hero fall flat on her butt mid-twerk? To the delight of everyone in attendance, Cyrus proved she can’t, and won’t, be stopped. 

The music started and everyone was on their feet, but where was Miley? Gradually, the massive LED backdrop was filled with the face of the 21-year-old pop princess. Then a hatch opened up and a massive tongue snaked out of a set-piece mouth toward the stage. Cyrus deftly slid down it and commanded, "Let me hear y'all make some fucking noise".  A cacophony of shrill shrieks, squeals, and OMGs ensued after a spectacular entrance as she opened with "SMS (Bangerz)".

Joining her on-stage for the club-friendly, well, banger were back-up dancers, a Munchkinlad-escapee in a red PVC outfit, a BBW with a butt that belittled the one Sir Mix-A-Lot rapped on, and four sickos in fursuits. (Apologies to the Vancouver furry community. Society has come a long way in recent years, but we're still not ready to accept yiffing.) 

For the next number, a gold-plated car with spinners rose from a trap door. Miley hopped on and humped its hood while singing "4x4" as it drove around on stage and sprayed dolla bills out of the wheel wells. This is how the rest of the evening would go: Lady Gaga’s artful weirdness coupled with vintage-Madonna in-your-face-sexuality.

During the highly entertaining hour-and-forty-minute-long spectacle we primarily heard tracks off of Bangerz with a smattering of hits from earlier albums as well as covers of "Hey Ya!" by OutKast and "Jolene" by Dolly Parton. While this was happening we were treated to visuals courtesy of Ren & Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi, a dozen or so bejewelled outfits designed by the likes of Roberto Cavalli and Marc Jacobs, and an inflatable wolf that was at least 10-Mileys high.

To answer the burning question that kept you awake at night leading up to this show: you better fucking believe there was twerking. In fact, the most powerful tool onstage was the singer’s ass. Anytime she aimed that thing at the crowd the roar was deafening. It is a lethal weapon that could topple governments, and not just in the Middle East. Live in fear.

While she was flying around on a hot dog phallus and singing "Someone Else", the massive LED screen opened up and Cyrus exited the stage. Of course, the show was not over. The biggest bangerz had yet to be performed.

 Billy Ray's daughter returned with the club anthem "We Can't Stop", during which the Munchkin was dressed up as a joint and we all sang along. The crowd participation continued when she played her biggest hit, the emotional power ballad "Wrecking Ball". For a minute it felt like it might end there, but no. There had not been enough nodding of heads and moving of hips like yeah. Flanked by the BBW in a Statue of Liberty costume and the little person in a hilarious Liberty Bell getup, Miley belted out the disgustingly catchy "Party in the U.S.A." while sporting a sparkly Stars & Stripes outfit and hillbilly teeth.  This twisted tribute to 'Murica ended the show.

 Valentine's Day only happens once a year, but taking a provocative selfie at the Bangerz Tour was a once in a lifetime experience. Miley did not disappoint and delivered the most Instagram-worthy concerts of the year.

As for the parents in attendance, they left praying their kids don’t come home one day in fursuits.



Comments (10) Add New Comment
loved this review - it's not often I have to check Urban Dictionary twice in one article. Michael you're hilarious!
Rating: -14
Trevor Risk
Does Michael Mann have any idea what the suicide rate is in Vancouver's furry community? It's articles like this one that keep Furries from expressing ourselves. Shame on you Michael. SHAME!
Rating: +15
Lots of flash - not much substance.
Rating: +2
Is anyone else getting bored with this over sexualized youngster? Actually, she can sing, but her provocative antics are same old, same old, and, yawn, I've got better things to do. I love sex more than most, but this hasn't anything to do with the intimacy of it. It's cheap, crude and B O R I N G!!!
Rating: -5
Johnny Wishbone
I guess it could get even sleazier. She hasn't done the dildo thing yet. Billy Ray 's daughter sure is classy.
Rating: +8
Billy Ray
"As political and economic freedom diminishes, sexual freedom tends compensatingly to increase."

Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
Rating: +2
Come on Aly
"her provocative antics are same old, same old"
It's old because we're old. It's new for these youngsters? Jaded much?

"I love sex more than most, but this hasn't anything to do with the intimacy of it."
Talking about love or are you talking about sex? A little moralistic, no?

I am thinking this new Victorianism of continuing to suggest to young women that the worst possible thing to happen in their life is that someone might see their breasts and suggesting that such an event will haunt them for their ENTIRE lives is the same type of nuanced sexual threat that gays and lesbians have suffered.

Knowledge of their carnal acts! was ONLY 'haunting' because of the attitudes of those who might think their is something wrong with their expression of their love and intimacy is invalid and Eee-vil.
How many older gay men and lesbian women have had their lives haunted as such and ruined by such prudish and somewhat hateful attitudes.
Who in their right mind would hold it against any woman her previous indiscretions and then judge them in the future? Not anyone I care to meet, thank you very much.
Rating: -3
This sounds like an awesome show, I would have totally gone if either of my teenagers could tolerate Miley Cyrus in the slightest.
Rating: -7
Next !
Just because Miley seeks attention by acting out on stage does not indicate that she has talent as a singer, songwriter, dancer or that she has any talent at all for that matter. Why is she on tour? Miley can't dance, can't sing, and can't write creative meaningful lyrics to save her life. If Miley was being noticed and applauded for actually being a creative artist making a valuable contribution to the world, well now that would be very different. But she isn't. In fact, as recent as 28 Sep 2013 Miley Cyrus has revealed that her goal in life is to shock her fans. Miley's actions demonstrate to the world in every thing she does, that her only intention is to seek attention and chooses to use any audience willing to watch her, to fill up her empty self. Furthermore, Miley on stage or off, doesn't have anything worthwhile or valuable to offer except improving her skills at seeking attention by using whatever means to get it. She may be of an adult age but she hasn't grown up. Miley isn't a good role model because she is promoting that it's okay to be shallow, self centered, mindless, clueless, and talentless because as long as she has an audience to watch her she figueles she's making history and that's what all the obscene, vulgar acting out on stage is about. Miley might think that by changing her name that some people might forget who she was in the past but make no mistake --she hasn't changed or is showing us anything new now. We've seen this all before. Franchised kid grows fucked up in public and goes on world tour. What a complete waste of time, energy, oxygen, fossil fuels, and money. Pull the plug already. Take away the stage, mic, lights, sound, cameras and what do you have? A spoiled brat. Grow the hell up. Do something useful with your life. Get stupid Miley from Disney to Disgusting. What else you got? There are more important and meaningful things that deserve the world's attention.... Certainly not this.
Rating: -3
"and an inflatable wolf that was at least 10-Mileys high." The use of Miley as a unit of measurement is the best thing I have ever read! It's a scale that knows no boundaries. Great read!
Rating: -5
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