Sex tape ready to eclipse Iggy Azalea’s ass

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      When pop-culture pundits cast their weathered eyes back on ancient history—approximately three weeks from now—they’re going to be stumped by an important question: why wasn’t Iggy Azalea’s brain as big as her deservedly fabled ass?

      In fairness, that would have been expecting a lot. On the badonkadonk front, the pride of Mullumbimbo, er, Mullumbimby, Australia, is nothing less than a mythical creature. She’s got buns, hon, to the point where Sir Mix-a-Lot’s anaconda must wonder what the hell it ever saw in Nicki Minaj, Flo-Jo, J.Lo, and bootylicious old Beyoncé.

      But as far as grey matter is concerned, Azalea was seemingly camped out in the customized-rump lineup when God was handing out the brains. How else does one explain her angry reaction to the news that someone has been sitting on a sex tape starring no less than Amethyst Amelia Kelly?

      Apparently, a former boyfriend has decided he shouldn’t be the only one who gets to pleasure himself to footage of Kelly pleasuring herself, and then engaging in acts which may, or may not, have included the screaming seagull, the Russian candy cane, the Arabian death mask, and the always popular lawn mower. Strictly in the spirit of sharing, he’s approached American porno empire Vivid Entertainment about selling the tape.

      That he managed to get his phone calls returned has everything to do with his pre-fame costar.

      You, the branding team at Levi’s jeans, and devoted ass men with an insatiable appetite for “Pu$$y” know Kelly better as Iggy Azalea, the Aussie-born, U.S.–based hitmaker who is currently inescapable on commercial radio.

      Azalea is bigger than her butt right now, not only piling up hit singles like “Bounce” and “Work” but guest-starring on smashes like Jennifer Lopez’s ode-to-ass-cheeks extravaganza “Booty”.

      All this makes headline news out of her starring role in a homemade sex video, especially if you happen to be that world-class anus who’s always holding court on TMZ.com.

      Azalea’s first plan of action was to argue that the ass in the tape didn’t belong to her. That was followed by her tweeting “Anyone who releases or attempts to make profit off someone else’s intimate moments against their will is a sex offender.”

      What she doesn’t add is that said entrepreneurs are also likely to be the blue-movie equivalents of instant Oz Lotto winners. The entrepreneurs in this case include Vivid’s Steven Hirsch, who has offered to distribute the clip if she’ll give her consent. There’s also her former manager and boy toy Hefe Wine, who not only owns the tape, but claims he has Azalea’s signature on a contract that makes it legal for him to pawn it.

      Where do brains fit into all of this? Well, at the moment, Azalea is indeed big. But as anyone who has followed the career of poor Ke$ha knows, one minute you’re singing “TiK ToK” while headlining NHL hockey rinks, the next you’re reduced to being a judge on ABC’s Rising Star.

      If you want to truly make it long-term in today’s attention-deficit-disorder times, you have to go above and beyond to leave a lasting impression. And assuming that shaving your head bald and attacking SUVs with an umbrella isn’t an option, what better way than to star in a sex tape? Folks might forget having ever heard you on the radio a year from now, but if you’re rich and famous, they’ll never forget the sight of you fucking like Sasha Grey crossed with a rabbit dosed to the tits with Spanish Fly.

      Ask yourself why Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian suddenly became pop-culture icons overnight. Here’s a hint: it was because of their oral skills, not because of their oratory skills. Python-pronged hair farmer Tommy Lee went from drummer of a limp metal band to international celebrity after he was caught honking boat horns—not to mention Pamela Anderson’s cervix—in a Vivid-released sex tape. From Colin Farrell to Farrah Abraham to Fred Durst to Chelsea Handler, the list goes on, all of said celebrities having learned that the only thing that can make you even more famous than you already are is fucking on film.

      It’s time for Iggy Azalea to own it, unless, of course, her sole goal in the future is to be a pop-music footnote who had a lot of junk in her trunk.

      Comments

      35 Comments

      SG

      Sep 25, 2014 at 12:58am

      This is a shockingly misogynistic column that deserves to be taken down. To suggest that Miss Azalea is brainless because she doesn't want a sex tape released by an estranged ex is to suspend all forms of rational thinking. If your private moments were unknowingly caught on tape, be it a sex tape or otherwise, would you want it broadcast to the world? Moreover, unlike Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, Ms. Azalea has had a career without a single sex tape being released. And yes, she has chosen to exude sex appeal but that doesn't mean that her privates should be blasted across the Internet. She uses her booty the same way Zac Efron uses his abs. But I never see any similar articles about bloggers begging males to release whatever nudes and sex tapes they have to have a sustainable career in show business...this article merely perpetuates a mosogynistic double standard and it's disgusting t in 2014, I still have to stumble upon this reductive dribble.

      Liwzel

      Sep 25, 2014 at 5:04am

      Her ass is her ass and she has the right not to release the sex tape

      Typical nasty drivel

      Sep 25, 2014 at 9:10am

      Typical nasty "cultural criticism" from Mike Usinger. Newsflash: the people who will like this article are the same 'anuses holding court on TMZ.'

      Shame on you for continuing to give this man a platform, Georgia Straight.

      yawn

      Sep 25, 2014 at 9:47am

      once agin, usinger's attempts to be snotty / funny reveal him to be a clueless dick.

      Awesome Article

      Sep 25, 2014 at 10:11am

      Information wants to be free. Only tyrants countenance restrictions on the spread of information. If you have an object, you are free to sell it and to make copies of it. Any supposed "wrong" associated with that is really itself wrong: it is wrong to prevent people from making copies of objects.

      As for "sex offender", that is hysterical nonsense. It's simply releasing documentary footage of a historical event. Gosh, you people are such fucking prudes, it's like the Victorian period in here. I guess our sexual revolution was not actually about reducing the hysteria associated with sex, it was really about widening the scope of acceptable visual advertising. You people might as well be going on about how inappropriate it is for women to have bare arms in an advert---our arms are meant to be private!

      jesus

      Sep 25, 2014 at 11:06am

      why, in vancouver, do you get to keep your job in culture for your entire life no matter how shit you are at it? mike usinger is an old, washed up, talentless, woman hating fuckwit. and EVERYONE in vancouver knows it. fire him. hire someone else. wake up, idiots.

      Mike Usinger

      Sep 25, 2014 at 11:27am

      Dear Jesus: If I may make a comment, it's that your posting certainly wasn't very Jesus-like. And to answer your question: http://youtu.be/T575Pbo4eWM?t=5s

      Rob Kruse

      Sep 25, 2014 at 11:37am

      Wow. You are a total pig. How are you employed in Vancouver???

      OMG

      Sep 25, 2014 at 12:11pm

      As soon as I saw the headline and then Usinger's name, I knew it was going to be a hilarious article and also that the comments would be even funnier and that some would even get the vapours.

      I saw the video that this bimbo made with J.Lo and she did a pretty good job of misogynizing herself.