Australians always try to claim New Zealand's successes
You use the music section’s RRSP fund to finance Killer Worms From Outer Space II, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt and two tickets to a Live Nation club show of your choice taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.
Dear Payback Time: In your gigs section announcing the Crowded House concerts coming up, please stop calling them Aussies! Neil Finn is even specifically named, and he’s a New Zealander. I know they have some Aussies in the band from time to time, but, as the driving force, Finn defines the band as kiwi! It’s just that the Aussies always try to claim our successes.
> Rebecca Trelease
Mike Usinger responds: Dearest Rebecca—My first inclination is to ask “What successes?” I mean, really, take a look at the things that New Zealand is famous for. The still-fab-at-43 Nicky Kidman aside, yours is a country noted for its appalling beer (hello, Foster’s Lager), failed comedians (looking at you, Yahoo Serious), and travel commercials where some guy’s idea of hospitality consists of throwing a Barbie on a shrimp (take a bow, Hulk Hogan). And really, that’s about it, unless you want to trot out perma-stinko Mel “Sugar Tits” Gibson and get him to give a drunken dissertation on who runs Hollywood.
But because you raised the issue about Crowded House in an unmistakably polite fashion, I’ll take it easy on you. Hell, I won’t even bring up the fact that Ayers Rock just might be the most unexciting tourist attraction this side of that giant hockey stick in Duncan, B.C., and that your flea-infested (not to mention goddamned ridiculous-looking) kangaroos don’t taste any better than they smell.
As soon as this paper is put to bed, I’m going to walk over to the listings guy responsible for this unforgivable screwup, bang his head repeatedly into his Dell, and hopefully drill it into his head that Crowded House is not an Aussie band. Everyone knows that Neil Finn is actually from Te Awamutu, 30 klicks south of Hamilton, which—as sure as New Zealand’s Sydney Opera House is one of the most striking buildings in the world—is currently the ninth-largest city in Canada.
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