Gerald Clipperton vs. Mike Usinger
You force the music section to sit through Stealth, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt and two CDs off the Straight's Top 50. Here's this week's winning whine.
DearPayback Time: Every time someone provides their trite complaint/observation in your little bitch-fest section but neglects to inform you what their selection of discs is, you heap on the ridicule with statements like "such and such continues the mind-numbingly ignorant tradition of refusing to tell us which discs he wants" or "continues the painfully stupid practice of…", et cetera, et cetera. For your reference, these quotes are not taken directly from back issues but paraphrased from the many weeks of Payback abuse that we, the readers, endure. Let me be the first to point out to you that not once in Payback Time have I seen it stated in clear print from which list Payback participants are supposed to pick their discs. Now, to be sure, you will counter with "Well, dummy, of course you should assume that we will ask you to pick from the Straight's top 50 albums of the week," but please don't ask me to restate the age-old idiom regarding assumptions.
> Gerald Clipperton
Mike Usinger replies: Dearest Gerald-First off, thanks for not continuing the fudge-tunnel-spelunkingly ignorant tradition of refusing to let us know which two CDs you'd like. And let me congratulate you for being able to understand simple English. In addition to a wittily constructed nod to whatever's happening in the world of pop culture, each Payback Time starts with a sentence letting faithful readers know that they will be rewarded with two CDs off the Straight's Top 50. Anyhow, believe it or not, we've got better things to do than dream up ways to describe how frustrating we find the twats and scrotes who don't finish their rants with a mention of which two CDs they'd like. For not continuing the fart-huffingly ignorant tradition of refusing to let us know which CDs you've chosen, we're going to give you a bonus third disc. You're welcome.
For taking the time to abuse us, Gerald Clipperton takes home Bruce Springsteen's Devils & Dust, the White Stripes' Get Behind Me Satan, and whatever else he'll be choosing after seeing his name in Payback Time. You can voice your impotent rage by snail mail or by sending an e-mail to email@example.com.