Holiday discs 2012: Various Artists' A Blackheart Christmas

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      Various Artists
      A Blackheart Christmas

      Unless we’re talking about trussing the turkey with Sex Pistols™–brand safety pins, punk rock and the holidays don’t mix any better than tequila and eggnog. Who wants to celebrate the season by spinning Fear’s “Fuck Christmas”? Predictably, then, most of the songs on the grab bag that is A Blackheart Christmas don’t work. Released on Joan Jett’s Blackheart Records, the, um, “eclectic” compilation kicks off with a Girl in a Coma country-punk rendition of “Blue Christmas” art-damaged enough to make Elvis shit his white jumpsuit. The Dollyrot’s version of “Santa Baby” is snotty to the point of impressive, but it’s hard to imagine anyone—other than Green Day—getting into the Christmas spirit with the paint-by-numbers pop-punk of the Vacancies’ “The Elf Song”. Jett’s not-exactly-trying contribution is a 30-year-old version of “Little Drummer Boy” originally found on select pressings of her I Love Rock ’n’ Roll breakthrough. (Bizarrely, her long-time manager, Kenny Laguna, later pops in with a Strawberry Alarm Clock–flavoured “Home for Christmas”.) Overall, the playing is fast, loud, and proficient enough to appeal to those who’d rather spend December 25 on a barstool at Funky Winker Bean’s than watch that burning log on cable TV. If that sounds like your dream day, A Blackheart Christmas will make a great soundtrack for dying your Mohawk green and red, using, of course, Lucerne Extra-Strength Eggnog for maximum hold.