Kanye, T-Wayne offer Christmas gifts for the ladies
There’s good news for misogynistic dicks everywhere this Christmas. In the spirit of the season, big-league rappers Kanye West and the tandem of Lil Wayne and T-Pain have released two new songs. West’s “ That’s My Bitch” and T-Wayne’s “Hoes and Ladies” really set the rhythm to rail on women’s rights. It’s amazing how far music has progressed, isn’t it?
The Louis Vuitton Don displays class with lyrics like “Twisted love story true romance/Mary Magdalene from a pole dance” and exhibits his creativity as a poet with the fresh idea of talking about a stripper in a rap song. Meanwhile, T-Pain shows his admiration for the ladies with lines like “I never quit a bitch, no matter how many niggas hit or how many dicks she licked/I please that clitoris, I give her a kiss and shit.” How sweet.
With tracks like that it’s Cristal-clear that not much has changed since the good old ”˜80s when Dr. Dre showed us that “Bitches Ain’t Shit” and Easy-E declared, “So what about the bitch who got shot?/Fuck her! You think I give a damn about a bitch?/I ain’t a sucker!” There’s so much we can learn from the words of those two rascals. Unfortunately for Easy-E, he should have given a damn about a condom when he made love to the aforementioned “bitch”. Maybe then he wouldn’t have died of AIDS.
And thank God that music-hating harpy Tipper Gore has drifted out of the limelight just like her estranged husband and his zany global-warming ideas. If she could hear Kanye’s lyrics, she would roll in the grave she calls a body.
Speaking of softspoken activists, where are all the females on the rap issue these days? Maybe they’re too busy updating their Facebook statuses because it seems like derogatory stereotypes of women are flying under their radar again. We’re honestly surprised that the streets aren’t filled with enraged broads burning their leopard-print bras.
As dear as West is to our hearts, we can’t believe that nobody’s knocked his bloody teeth out and left him like Jared Leto after Edward Norton had his way with him in Fight Club. Are you really going to take that Taylor Swift? We know that those sweet little arms aren’t just eye candy. In the words of Dave Vanian from The Damned, “Smash It Up”, Swift!
What we desperately need now are some girls to do a little smashing because without opposition this whole retro rap resurgence is going to get a lot less interesting. In the spirit of the game, we nominate Peaches and the Sounds’ frontwoman Maja Ivarsson to lead the offensive.
Peaches is an obvious pick with songs like “Shake Yer Dix”; she offers equal exploitation and could probably kill a man with her unkempt crotch. Ivarsson is a candidate solely because she spat on us at a concert a few years back and came at us with ferocity straight out of Debbie Harry’s handbook. I think it’s time to drop to our level, ladies. Fight fire with fire.
In the other corner, it’s time to rally all of the Bobby Browns, Chris Browns, or any Mr. Browns for that matter. Being a sexist prick is a right and people can’t take that away from you.
Here are some lyrics we found to inspire all of you assholes. They may or may not have been written by us in collaboration with West for his next platinum-selling album: “The sociological glass ceiling ain’t shit/Unbutton that business suit and ride the disco stick”.