Liam and Noel Gallagher are not as dumb as you think

Liam Gallagher demonstrates the relative sizes of egos in his band.

If one steps back and thinks about things rationally, it’s really not their fault. After all, judging by the way they look, they are just simple cavemen. Indeed, one could debate for hours which genus they most resemble: Neanderthals, Cro-Magnons, Homo erectus, or most damning of all, Ye Olde-Fashioned Mono-Browed Englishmen.

As primitive as they might be, that’s not stopping former Oasis bandmates (and perma-scrapping siblings) Liam and Noel Gallagher from realizing that, if you’re going to go at it in the modern world, you don’t do it with rocks and clubs. Instead you do it in the media, with Twitter just one of the tools at one’s disposal. You want dissing at its most economical? Flash back to July 6, the day Noel (Oasis’s former guitarist and main songwriter) released his debut solo album, the name of which probably escapes you, not to mention everyone else on the planet not named Noel Gallagher. Liam’s response to this on Twitter was simply one word: Shitbag.

Even though Liam tends to tweet about as often as Ethan Hawke takes a bath, you can count on him to provide a rich source of instantly updated information whenever there’s Oasis news. Remember this past October, when Noel called a press conference to announce his solo album, whatever it was called, and then instead started laying into his baby brother? How he contended that Liam blew off an Oasis appearance at the 2009 edition of the U.K.’s V Festival not because of the official laryngitis explanation, but because he was hungover to the man-tits? And how that led Liam to file a lawsuit?

Bizarrely, Noel then noted that he’d be open to hitting the road in 2015 for 20th anniversary reunion shows to celebrate the band’s 1995 hit album (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?. Liam immediately took to Twitter to shoot back at the charges with, “Speak for yourself. I never faked anything, go to bed and give me a shout in 2015 LG x”.

Proving that he’s the smarter of the two—which is kind of like saying that Ron Howard is way hotter than Clint Howard—Noel has the good sense to ensure one degree of separation from Twitter. His tweets are filtered through, and posted by, the staff at his label, Sour Mash Records. Presumably, said minions are also in charge of generating publicity for his solo record, whatever it’s called. (Attention Courtney Love: in the interest of not getting sued every time you get loaded and feel the need to let the Twitterverse know what you’re thinking, you might want to ask yourself “What would Noel do?” Besides, that is, ranting about how everyone in the world, except maybe for the late Mother Teresa, is a fooking coont every time a television camera is turned on.)

This, of course, brings us to this week’s Oasis news, in which we’ve got details of a Noel lawsuit against Liam. (In case, like most people on these shores, you’re still having trouble telling one from the other, Noel is the Wolfman dude who instructs his barber to put a bowl on his head, while Liam looks like he should be hanging out with Dr. Spock on the bridge of the USS Enterprise.) Basically, Liam is being dragged into court for a variety of offences that led to the split of Oasis, which include allegedly using a guitar to go Babe Ruth on Noel’s noggin, failing to show up for a series of Oasis gigs because he was either house-hunting or totally stinko, and using Oasis gigs to promote his Pretty Green clothing label.

Noel also contends that his wife received verbally abusive phone messages from Liam on her mobile. And that, when they were both children, Liam would often pin Noel’s arms down, lower his jean-clad buttocks onto his face, and let fly with “a great and offensive, noxious blasts of flatulence, often too heinous for words.”

What does all this prove, besides the fact the Gallaghers are pop music’s biggest clowns this side of Insane Clown Posse? That’s easy: they might be cavemen, but the two aren’t as stupid as they look. Think about it—no one on these shores has given a shit about Oasis in a decade, and yet here they are making major headlines in 2011. Take a bow you troglodytes, especially the younger one. Oasis may be long gone, but Liam is working hard to generate publicity for himself as he heads to Vancouver with his new band this week, the name of which—admit it—escapes you.

Follow Mike Usinger on the Tweeter at twitter.com/mikeusinger.