Login / RegisterNo talent is required to perform electronic dance music
Let’s just cut the shit for a minute and say it: electronic dance music is the stupidest music on the planet. It even has a fittingly dumb name, EDM, which makes me cringe every time I see it. More so than the acronym, though, the reason it sucks is because the amount of talent required to perform it is precisely none.
Case in point: Paris Hilton recently made her DJ debut in Brazil. She can’t give a competent on-screen blowjob—Christ, you just put it in your mouth and spin your head around like Linda Blair—but she sure can throw down Gotye remixes and Avicii tracks to big crowds. Hilton even pushed a few buttons and it looked like she knew what she was doing. The best part about the whole spectacle was how it showed that trotting out some attractive and vapid idiot with no qualifications to DJ, other than that they have a following, isn’t exclusively a Vancouver thing. (Hi, Mayor Gregor Robertson. I loved your set!)
At about the same time, one of the genre’s biggest stars, deadmau5, came forward and said what we’ve suspected all along: DJing is fucking easy and all the knob-turning that goes on at a “live” EDM show is a sham. The refreshingly candid man behind the mouse mask claims that if you’re remotely tech-savvy you could learn how to do his show in about an hour. It’s just pressing play and that’s all there is to it.
Surely this means the current dance-music craze is done. I mean, Paris is on the gravy train and deadmau5 said that all these $100-a-ticket arena shows are Milli Vanilli with excessive strobes. No, of course not. See, the fans of this stupid fucking music are fucking stupid too. They’re still lining up to slap down their hard-earned money from their dead-end jobs so they have somewhere to pop a couple pills and dance like no one is watching on a Saturday night.
Some will be quick to point out that producing dance music takes a lot of talent, as there’s no magic “make awesome dance track” button that you can push and then you’re done. However, if that’s the case, why does every damn song sound exactly the same? House, electro, dubstep, moombahton, and any other genres that are created this week and fall under the catchall term EDM aren’t something to get pretentious about. It’s dumb music to get fucked up to and nothing more. A four-on-the-floor beat with a sample of me furiously wanking it would make your typical E-tard lose their shit on the dance floor. Granted, I’m a screamer.
“What about my mixing?” you retort. I hate to break it to you but no one cares about that pretentious shit except chin-stroking nerds. Then there’s the ever-popular “Selecting the right track at the right time takes skill.” Because, clearly, scrolling through iTunes and finding a song that a room full of people tweaking on bath salts will enjoy requires a PhD in curatorial studies. I’ve seen a fucking jukebox rock a crowd better than 95 percent of the DJs out there. So no rolling your eyes at me the next time I request that song Rihanna did with Calvin Harris. It’s a party starter! That boring minimal-techno shit you fell in love with in Berlin won’t fly over here, you self-important Fleshlights.
As tempting as it may be, let’s not fault Paris, deadmau5, Avicii, Steve Aoki, or even Skrillex. Ripping off clueless rubes is smart business. And at least they’re giving them what they want: obnoxious party music in a dark room where they can get messed up. In a perfect con, the mark walks away not knowing they’ve been taken. I’m not falling for it, though. For $100 you should always demand more than mere knob-twiddling. Read into that statement however you like.
But did it stop there? Noooo...
if it wasn't for Disco and late-nite dance culture, we'd still be scared of fags, blacks, and anyone who didn't listen to the same predictable "rebellious' rock garbage.
Do yourself a favour and ignore the hype (ever notice how that's the real product of the modern entertainment industry?) and try to imagine a world with local scenes, history, and personalities that elevated dance music to one of the highest art forms of the modern world, bringing people together sometimes briefly, sometimes for weekends at a time, to feel love and interconnection.
How to write this article:
I. Write out badly phrased, extremely subjective argument
II. Do not elaborate
III. Go jack off to Naruto hentai
Get a job.
However, this is not what the article is saying you blithe and ignorant bastards. The author is *clearly* stating that the live DJ'ing scene is absolutely facetious at the best of times, and that there is *no skill* involved other than the presentation of working hard. Sure, it could've taken them eight hours to make their uninteresting drivel and name it, but it takes absolutely 0 skill, and 0 ingenuity when it comes to showcasing work. That's it, that's all. They didn't insult your genre (entirely), and (even if they did!) you're reading *their* article. About *their* opinion. Given to you 'straight'.
umad, jellyscrubnubhaters,
-Some Dude
P HILTON. just shitty.
Smacks of a failed journalism student and further failures in music.
Ummm ... have you ever had a blowjob? Have you ever had a blowjob performed by a woman? Have you ever met a woman? When was the last time you saw your dick?
For future reference, the woman's head doesn't spin around . If it does, well, you should call for an exorcist.
You are to music what Don Cherry is to hockey - an ignorant, uninformed blowhard. I can only assume that the Straight has run out of money to pay real columnists.
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