You force the music section to reveal its 242nd-most-desirable female, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt and two tickets to a Live Nation club show of your choice taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.
Dear Mike Usinger: Well done on having excellent taste in women. Taylor Swift and Gwen Stefani sure are hot. But wait, is that what you get paid to write about? Is that the reason I pick up the Georgia Straight? To find out who your newest crush is (although surely Gwen can’t be a new one)? Last I checked I was looking for some interesting music reviews or revelatory articles seeking to enlighten me. So what happened when you wrote two articles—one reviewing Taylor Swift’s newest CD, the other commenting on the controversy surrounding No Doubt’s new video? All I gained from those readings was your taste in women. Next time you want to make an argument or validate your opinion on contentious issues, try not using the “it’s okay because she’s hot” argument.
> Rebekah Chotem
Mike Usinger responds: Dearest Rebekah—Truth be told, I was starting to feel like a failure. As you correctly note, I do suggest that Stefani looks hot in the video for “Looking Hot”, which kind of makes sense if you think about it. As for the Taylor Swift review, I thought I showed admirable restraint in not mentioning her degree of porkability (unlike John Lucas, who, after her appearance at Rogers Arena last September, declared her “so darn cute”, no doubt writing that with one hand). After praising Swift’s songwriting chops and willingness to experiment, I merely mentioned that she looks “fucking adorable in a cowboy hat”.
So where have I failed? That’s easy: in giving you, and the rest of the world, a detailed breakdown of my taste in women. The sad reality is that I am a piker, especially compared to the likes of a certain self-described “upcoming black actor” named Steve Robinson, whom you’ll find on IMDb. Unlike me, that dude seriously has his shit together, to the point where he’s taken the time to sit down and make a comprehensive list of chicks that he’d love to roger the living shit out of. Want proof? Hop on the Interweb and punch in “upcoming black actor Steve Robinson” and the first thing that comes up is his lovingly written article titled “My Top 320 Hottest Female Celebrities I Would Date/Marry/Have Sex With”. That’s right, not 10 or 20 babes he’d like to bone, but a fucking whopping 320!!!!. And, by the way, it’s nice to know that, in addition to banging them silly, he would also either marry or date said ladies, even if some of them, like Ariel Winter, are only 14.
So who needs to know that I’ve got a serious thing for Bridget Fonda? That’s nowhere near as interesting as the fact that upcoming black actor Steve Robinson would love to plug his joy prong into Ariana Grande. And Miley Cyrus. And Kim Kardashian. And Emma Roberts. And Vanessa Hudgens. And 315 others. Give the guy credit for dedication to his craft, not to mention for having the nards to admit that he’d like to give a hot-beef injection to Kirstie Alley, Cyndi Lauper, and Susan Lucci.
You can voice your impotent rage by snail mail or by sending an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.