Login / RegisterRob Zombie and Alice Cooper offer tale of two merch tables in Vancouver
Gruesome Twosome Tour
At the Pacific Coliseum on Saturday, May 1
You can learn a lot about rock stars by what they’re willing to offer up for cold hard cash. Scanning a merch table at Saturday’s Gruesome Twosome show I noticed Alice Cooper was flogging T-shirts that read “Love It to Death Tour 1971”. Now, even for a dedicated salesman like Cooper, that’s embarrassing, making something churned out in China last week seem like a sought-after ’70s-rock collectible.
I was damn near tempted to buy one.
Love It to Death was the first great Alice Cooper album, and it set the bar for his other stellar ’70s discs, like School’s Out, Killer, and Billion Dollar Babies. It’s the timeless tunes from those records that people want to hear when they go to an Alice Cooper show; they also want to see him get hanged, beheaded, and menaced by sexy nurses while wrapped in a straitjacket. This time around, the Coop offered plenty of the shock-rock theatrics he’s famous for, but his set list was no screaming hell.
Sure, he started off with the teen anthem “School’s Out”—prowling around in black leather and studs and brandishing a cutlass that wound up embedded in the stage floor—but his set included way too many songs from recent throwaway albums like Dirty Diamonds and Along Came a Spider. Cripes, he didn’t even leave enough time for “Halo of Flies”!
Most of the crowd seemed thrilled by the show, though, especially when Cooper played up to their hometown pride by donning a Roberto Luongo Canucks jersey. Of course, in true Cooper fashion it was stained red with what he called “Blackhawk blood” in honour of the evening’s playoff slaughtering in Chicago.
After Cooper’s set—during which he was guillotined, hanged, and lethally injected with neon-green fluid from a four-foot syringe—I headed over to another merch table to kill time while coheadliner Rob Zombie set up. That’s when I discovered a Zombie T-shirt proclaiming him a “100% corpse-fucking, flesh-eating, zombie-loving, god damn son of a bitch”. Turns out it should have also read: “And don’t pull his hair!”
Zombie was partway through “More Human Than Human”, his porn-sampling, Blade Runner–referencing White Zombie hit of ’95, when he decided to get up close and personal with his rowdy fans. But as he strode alongside the stage-front barricade one of the rowdier ones grabbed his long, grimy hair, causing the singer to lash out with a knuckle sandwich.
After the song was over and Zombie was safely back on-stage he apologized for punching the guy in the face, claiming it was a “muscle reflex” brought on by the hair-pulling. To prove his theory he invited guitarist John 5 to yank on his hair, but apparently the former Marilyn Manson sideman doesn’t enjoy knuckle sandwiches.
The senseless violence perpetrated on Zombie’s mop wasn’t all that shocking, considering that he’d spent the previous 20 minutes working the crowd into a frenzy with his grinding, industrial-tinged metal. During this assault, multiple video screens flashed newsreel footage of Charles Manson and his twisted disciples. The steady barrage of flames shooting up at the back of the stage was enough to get anyone a little hot under the collar.
The only time Zombie showed his soft side was at the end of his set, when he showered the audience with tiny white feathers. They were still floating lazily down from the rafters when he encored with “Werewolf Women of the SS” and his biggest solo hit, “Dragula”, which incorporated some vintage Munsters drag-race footage.
Ah, Fred Gwynne. Too bad there was no Herman Munster bobblehead on the merch table.
Rambling about the retro merch simply illustrates his lack of knowledge on merch tables of the 21st century. As if these throwback shorts haven't been on the tables of every act through this way in the last two years; Maiden does it, Priest sells a heap of British Steel shirts, AC/DC still sell Highway to Hell and the old white on black AC/DC logo. You' d think someone selling 'stories' to The Straight would have seen a concert before, then again, he could be that wide eyed kid who was on one of his first mushroom trips and told me it was his first show ever.
As for the rest, it's not worth the keystrokes; again The Straight proves they have fallen far from the Vancouver classic Georgia Straight that got them to where they are today.
Vid link:
Can't stop the ringing of my funeral bell.
Can't stop the ringing of my funeral bell.
I mean, the Eagles seem pretty mainstream, pedestrian, commercially viable, and downright suburban to be paid any attention by the Straight.
After all, I dont see their discs at Zulu, and as all of us Straight reading Vancouverites know, if you cant get it at Zulu, its obviously crap.
How will Usinger and Mack ever allow you to breathe their rarified air again when in their company after lowering yourself to the standards of the Eagles ? Or have you already installed oxygen tanks to combat the stench of self righteousness emanating from Usinger ?
I am hoping that your attention to the merch table will be enough distraction to prevent you from spending the majority of your review insulting the tastes, fashions, and appearances of the audience members.
A music review about music, performances, the show, energy, vibe, etc in the Straight would be shocking, though.
Reviews that start with the writer bitching about not wanting to be there ( um, quit ? ) of whining about how out of style artist "X" fans were arent reviews, they are vanity pieces.
Until then...
I see you didnt even touch my comments about the reviews generally being insulting to the fans. Do you not care, or do you only care when you are the aggrevied party ?
Not to mention that a sarcastic, biting, over the top and heavingly opinonated style of writing with minimal hard evidence - which is essentially what Straight reviews devove into - only seems to raise your dander when its aimed at you.
Well, know you know how your readers feel when they go to a show that doesnt pass the Straight "cool" test.
I am tempted to tell you to do your own research (since making your argument for you isnt my job and asking your acusser to provide you with your defence is even passe in high school debating cirlces) but suffice to say, go back a year, and you can find Usinger, Rowland, and Newton complaining about being at shows, if not directly, then indirectly complaining about having to be "there".
Now, it may cause you great distress to know that I dont sit here with an archive of Straight music reviews, but I do have one less than six months old that one of your writers needed only three sentences to ask, somewhat rhetorically, "why am I here ? " (your job perhaps ?).
Moving on, and admitting I was hyperbolic in stating that your reviews "start with the writer bitching", I should clarify, some actually have the "bitching" in the middle, and some actually have that in the final paragraph.
While I was in error in that regard, it only took me fifteen seconds of looking through Straight online archives to find examples of the other.
Since you are out and about on the posts today, why not check out that others have made the same point I am making - that Straight music reveiws lack objectivity, professionalism, and reek of writers trying to chase trends and desperately trying to stay ahead of its target audience.
Hey, maybe that is the Straight's bag. I dont read Variety and expect reviews of the Cartoon Network. Could you at least be honest about it then ?
Which would be fine, but if all you guys want to do is cater to your target audience and personal favourites, can it not be done without slagging everything and everyone that doesnt pass the Straight "cool" test ?
Christ, even an evisceration of an artist that was done without the usual chiding, fan directed insults, and holier than thou fashion and hipster commentary would be a step in the right direction.