Why can't things go back to the way they were?
You force the music section to watch Finger Licking Good: Volume 5, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt and two tickets to a Live Nation club show of your choice taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here's this week's winning whine.
Dear Payback Time: I recall the first time I realized that the person to which I was speaking was masturbating on the other end of the line. It was not long after Skype became widely available. To my shock and horror, it had almost nothing to do with me. On the other end of the pipes, my compatriot was casually talking to me as if their whole internal attentions were far away. Although they didn't always seem so distant, they were becoming stridently urgent. The penny dropped after the second or third mention of a particular porn star. Oh Sasha! Oh Sasha! Oh Sasha!”¦
It seems like that kind of thing is happening more and more lately, and in the most unseemly of places—for instance, your Payback column. When do you climax? I bet you're the kinda practised guys who don't blow their loads, at least not until you've finished talking to me.
The kids these days. I remember a dream I had where there was a double bill of the Spin Doctors and Hootie and the Blowfish playing in the park. Why can't things go back to the way they were?
> Scott W. Lightowlers
Mike Usinger replies: Dearest Scott—I don't really know what to say other than, um, wow. I thought, after my last triple-bill viewing of Cum Fart Cocktails 5, Ass Eaters Unanimous 19, and Swallow My Children, that Sasha Grey was twisted. Dude, she seriously seems to have nothing on you.
Why can't things go back to the way they were? Well, because, based on the above lunatic ramblings, you've clearly done something to your brain over the years. As Keith Richards is more than ample proof of, once you've pickled—or fried—the old grey matter, tasks like forming simple sentences tend to become impossible. The same goes for organizing double bills in the park featuring the likes of Hootie and the Blowfish and the Spin Doctors.
On that note, have you ever seen A&E's Intervention? It's excellent entertainment. The best ones are about the alcoholics—I'm always bummed when they agree to sober up, mostly because they are so fucking funny, especially when they get so loaded that they end up passing out on lawns and knocking over storage shelves that, for unfathomable reasons, always seem to be set up in the middle of their driveways.
Anyhow, given that you seem to be, disturbingly, in correspondence with overenthusiastic fans of Sasha Grey, might I suggest you Google Intervention Masturbation Episode + YouTube, and then forward the link to your friend, who, no doubt, will be “chatting” with you on Skype while waiting for the “climax” of Gang Bang My Face. Feel free to blare Hootie and the Blowfish and/or the Spin Doctors while doing so.
You can voice your impotent rage by snail mail or by sending an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.