You ask why we missed an awesome show, we respond with esoteric questions

Dear Payback Time: Hey Georgia Straight—you missed out! I cannot believe that Vancouver’s purveyor of fine entertainment managed to miss out on the great Russian pagan folk-metal band Arkona at the Rickshaw on December 3. I have attended over 300 concerts, and this is the first time I have ever seen a Russian band play in Vancouver. Arkona is an incredible band led by frontwoman Maria “Masha Scream” Arhipova, whose vocal abilities range from death-metal growls to eloquent mother tongue linguals. She has the stage presence of a dangerous, caged wild wolf. Masha sings in Russian and bangs away on a shaman drum while enticing the crowd to chant along in unison to the powerful and majestic music Arkona plays. The band is incredibly tight, and the use of bagpipes, tin whistles, flutes, and other Russian traditional instruments, mixed with metal guitar, bass, and drums, made for a unique music experience that was not to be missed.

> Derryk Cannon

Mike Usinger replies: Dearest Derryk—well, that will teach me to sit on the couch in my ginch on Saturday nights, drinking Avalon Dairy Eggnog straight from the glass bottle, and eating Moirs Pot Of Gold chocolates by the fistful. Truth be told, the Christmas season starts on December 1 around the old house, to the point where I’ve been watching Rankin-Bass’s Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer six times a night for the past 14 days. I have to admit that such viewings raise questions that make the beloved holiday special something of a guilty indulgence. For example, how does Sam the Snowman motor around so quickly if he doesn’t have any fucking legs? Why is Hermey relentlessly abused by the obviously intolerant-of-those-with-a-different-lifestyle head elf for daring to be “different”? Considering Rudolph is a full-on pariah right up until the last reel, is the moral of the story that it’s okay to mock someone’s facial deformity—because the other reindeers act like a bunch of flaming assholes toward him? And are we being taught that those with such major deformities should forgive and forget once society has figured out a way to exploit their misfortune for the common good? Seriously, Rudolph should have told Santa to stick his fucking sleigh right up his fat ass. Also, were they were serving perogies, borscht, and spirits made out of pressed potatoes at Arkona? Because it sounds like I indeed missed out on a great time. These are my questions.

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