If you're as restless as a willow in a windstorm or as jumpy as a puppet on a string, for God's sake, get out of the house and see some comedy to quell that spring fever of yours. There hasn't been such an array of comedy legends coming to this town since…well, ever. We hope it lasts, but one never knows. So make hay while the sun shines.

Sandra Bernhard (March 16 at the River Rock Show Theatre) Old fish lips is still at it. Bernhard, a provocateur supreme, is predictable in her unpredictability, going from pooing all over pop culture to dumping on neocons to—how about a song? The Draw: Comedy is full of bad boys. Bernhard is the original bad girl. Target Audience: If you like Margaret Cho, you'll love Sandra Bernhard. She's everything Cho wants to be—and gay!

Don Rickles (April 6 at the Red Robinson Show Theatre; April 7 at the River Rock Show Theatre) If you miss this 80-year-old comedy legend, you really are a hockey puck. At an age when most old-school—and just plain old—funnymen are cast aside like a used pair of Depends, Mr. Warmth is still revered by all the young hipsters, from sassy Sarah Silverman to the altoid regulars at the indie comedy nights at Commercial Drive's Rime. The Draw: Rickles's October appearance here was show biz at its finest, ladies and germs: a big band, tuxedos, stories of the Rat Pack—it was like going to Vegas without leaving home. I could say more, but what happens in Richmond stays in Richmond. Target Audience: The Merchant of Venom's insults are so over-the-top, no one can take offence. After all, if you can't laugh at others, who can you laugh at?

The Cody Rivers Show/The Crawford Twins (April 6 and 7 at Beaumont Studios [316 West 5th Avenue]) Bellingham's The Cody Rivers Show is the hottest act on the sketch circuit. Mike Mathieu and Andrew Connor have giant balls. (Not so strangely, given their comedic style, there is no one named Cody Rivers.) Their surreal and absurdist stage show is full of risks, and what's more, they actually have a choreographed exercise-ball routine. The Draw: The duo plays Vancouver so much they should just move here already. But why mess with success? These guys get weirder and weirder with each swing through town. There's obviously something in the 'Ham. Target Audience: If you like comedy that ventures beyond traditional jokes and punch lines, this is your ticket. As an added bonus, Vancouver's own Crawford Twins (Morgan Brayton and Lauren Martin) will be opening the show.

Rich Little with the VSO (April 29 at the Orpheum Theatre) Yeah, yeah, I know: Rich Little?! Is this 2007 or 1977? Most of the master Canadian impressionist's credits come from decades past, but it's not as if he's off the map completely. He was on The Late Show With David Letterman a couple months ago and will follow Stephen Colbert as host of the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in April. The Draw: The Ottawa native does more celebrity impressions than any human. Sure, most of his subjects are dead, but now you're nitpicking. Target Audience: Fans of old show business and politics will get their fill of all the greats of yesteryear as Little exhumes the likes of Clark Gable, Richard Nixon, and George Burns. You might even get some hip contemporary voices, like Foster Brooks or Ronald Reagan.

George Carlin (May 5 at the River Rock Show Theatre) He's more than just the voice of Thomas the Tank Engine. The irreverent and irascible demigod Comedy Central voted second-best standup comic of all time (after Richard Pryor) hits Vancouver one week before his 70th birthday. The Draw: The show won't be televised, so you'll most likely hear those seven words he made famous. Target Audience: Hipsters young and old, and anyone who still likes sticking it to the man.

Lily Tomlin (May 15 at the Orpheum Theatre) This isn't strictly a comedy performance, being a part of the Unique Lives and Experiences series. But there's no way Lily Tomlin can't be funny. Come on, she's one of the greatest solo sketch performers of all time. The Draw: A rare opportunity to learn something about the artist behind such creations as Ernestine and Edith Ann. Target Audience: As part of North America's foremost women's lecture series, the evening looks to be an estro-fest. Guys, don't let that scare you away. Chicks can be funny too. And that's the truth. Thptpth!

Briab Regan (May 17 at the Centre in Vancouver for the Performing Arts) The king of clean comedy makes his Vancouver debut. If you think comedy needs an edge to be meaningful, think again. Regan will have you doubled over whether he's talking about growing up in a big family or dealing with the UPS guy. The Draw: A perfect balance between writing and physicality. And a funny voice to boot. Target Audience: Hard to say: this guy is absolutely huge stateside, but we're not sure who knows him up here.

Doug Stanhope (June 1 and 2 at Yuk Yuk's) Taking time out of his independent presidential campaign (no joke), the controversial (and unelectable) Stanhope loves to pick at society's scabs, whether he's going off on firefighters and cops or plane crash victims' families. The Draw: Shock and awe. Stanhope will definitely batter your senses with his impressively profane mind. Target Audience: A small but dedicated cultlike group of followers won't miss him. If you've never heard—or heard of—Stanhope and aren't afraid of words, mark this date on your calendar. Catch him before he becomes the 44th president of the United States of America.

COMEDY CALENDAR

THE CODY RIVERS SHOW Bellingham's intricately absurd sketch act returns to town. With local openers the Crawford Twins. April 6-7, Beaumont Studios . Tix and info 604-733-3783 ext.303, www.thebeaumontstudios.com/ .

THE GIGGLE DAM DINNER THEATRE All performances at the Giggle Dam Theatre.
» THE DAMMIES: ALL THE PERFORMANCES THE BIG AWARD SHOWS FORGOT To March 4
» DAM TV March 9 to June 17. Tix $48 plus GST. Tix and info 604-944-4453, www.giggledam.com/ .

LILY TOMLIN Groundbreaking comedian and actor speaks as part of the Unique Lives and Experiences series. May 15, Orpheum Theatre . Tix from Ticketmaster 604-280-4444, www.ticketmaster.ca/ .

RED ROBINSON SHOW THEATRE All performances take place at Red Robinson Show Theatre.
» HOWIE MANDEL March 23, 24
» DON RICKLES April 6
» THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS April 14
» BOB NEWHART June 8. Tix $34.50 to $69.50 (plus service charges and fees) from Ticketmaster, 604-280-4444, www.ticketmaster.ca/ . Info www.redrobinson.com/ .

RICH LITTLE WITH THE VSO Veteran Canadian impressionist performs memorable moments from stage and screen. April 29, Orpheum Theatre . Tix $29.75 to $55 (plus service charges and fees) from Ticketmaster 604-280-4444, www.ticketmaster.ca/ .

RIVER ROCK CASINO RESORT All performances at the River Rock Casino Resort.
» ANDRE PHILIPPE GAGNON March 8-10
» SANDRA BERNHARD March 16
» DON RICKLES April 7
» GEORGE CARLIN May 5. Tix from Ticketmaster 604-280-4444, www.ticketmaster.ca/ . Info www.riverrock.com/ .

SHADBOLT CENTRE FOR THE ARTS All performances at the Shadbolt Centre for the Arts.
» MEN OUTRAGIN' June 8
» OUTRAGEOUS WOMEN'S CABARET 10 June 10. Tix $12 to $28. Info 604-205-3000, www.shadboltcentre.com/ .

URBAN WELL All performances take place at the Urban Well.
» MONDAY NIGHT URBAN IMPROV SHOW every Mon.
» TUESDAY NIGHT COMEDY Every Tues. Tix and info 604-737-7770.

VANCOUVER THEATRESPORTS LEAGUE All performances at New Revue Stage, Granville Island.
» THE IMPROVISED WORKS OF BILL SHAKESPEARE Wed.-Thurs. at 7:30 pm, Fri.-Sat. at 8 pm.
» LAUGH IT OFF Fri.-Sat. at 10 pm.
» IMPROV EXTREME Fri.-Sat. at 11:45 pm.
» ULTIMATE IMPROV CHAMPIONSHIP Thurs. at 9:15 pm. Tix $10 to $18 at Ticketmaster, 604-280-4444, www.ticketmaster.ca/ . Info 604-738-7013, www.vtsl.com/ .

YUK YUK'S All performances take place at Yuk Yuk's.
» DAN QUINN March 1-3
» DWIGHT SLADE March 8-10
» CASH LEVY March 29-31
» DOUG STANHOPE June 1, 2. Info 604-696-9857, www.yukyuks.com/ .