Starring Nathalia Ramos, Chelsea Staub, and Jon Voight. Rated G.

Barbie, call your agent. For six years, the wasp-waisted fashion doll has been busy bitch-slapping those miniskirted tramps with the oversized heads and pouts who've vamped on to her turf in little girls' bedrooms. Now these plastic rivals, known to mini fashionistas everywhere as Bratz, are starring in their own live-action feature film. Nutz.

Yes, Bratz: The Movie is based on dolls who are a garter belt away from slutz. Surprisingly, the film's four BFFs (best friends forever)–high-school freshmen Yasmin, Jade, Sasha, and Cloe (Nathalia Ramos, Janel Parrish, Logan Browning, and Skyler Shaye)–are chaste clotheshorses, as L.A. goes. Hair extensions are the least of their worries at Carry Nation high, where student president Meredith (Chelsea Staub) has everyone locked into cliques. Can sporty Brat, cheerleading Brat, songbird Brat, and geek Brat stay friends?

Bratz has abominable writing, rather awful acting, horrible singing and dancing, shrieking, food fights, and a birthday party that is, disturbingly, kind of funny. It poaches from Mean Girls and Clueless but hasn't an original clue. It's beneath Jon Voight, yet he's endearing as Principal Dimly. It spouts mush about being true to your friends and to yourself but admits you also need awesome clothes. Yet little girls who love the streetwalky dollies may well eat up this sickly sweet ice-cream headache of a film. Pray they don't write "Work the IQ, girl, but don't lose the passion for the fashion" with their Bratz pens on their Bratz notepads.