Fightback and counterattack: Vatican says church sex abuse of kids not really pedophilia

For those of you who thought the Catholic Church was truly feeling some deep remorse about the tens of thousands of children who have been molested by priests over the years, think again.

Self-reflection, shame, and remorseful regret?

Are you out of your mind?

How about a defiant counterattack in the face of unjust criticism and slander?

Oh yeah, you heard that right. According to the Guardian, the Vatican has indeed just lashed out at its critics— that is, those who say it hasn't done enough to uncover and stop the abuse—claiming that the abuse is just as bad, if not worse, in other religions and dominations.

That's right, people, the Catholic Church—according to the Catholic Church—is actually one of the world leaders when it comes to low sex abuse rates among clergy.

You want real sex abuse? Check out the Jews, Protestants, Muslims, and Hindus. And, for Christ sakes, don't forget those filthy-minded Buddhists.

Pedophilia, Schmedophilia

Even more ballsy than all this finger pointing at others and insinuations that the whole thing has been blown out of proportion by the media and those whiny little "victims" is the claim that none of this has anything to do with pedophilia.

Yes, that's right, according to the Vatican none of this is really about pedophilia, rather it's all about raging ephebophilia (the homosexual attraction to adolescent males).

In other words, it's not so much about sexual abuse as it is about gay priests, to quote the Vatican, "engaging in sex with adolescent boys between the ages of 11 and 17".

What a relief! And to think that I had felt sickened by all this alleged abuse, when really it was never anything more than teenage (and prepubescent) boys "engaging in sex" with their priests.

I don't know about you, but I'm convinced by all this and I think it's finally time that people lay off the poor misunderstood Catholic Church.

Minuscule Numbers

Oh and one other thing: the Vatican also stated that, "only 1.5%-5%" of Catholic clergy are involved in child sex abuse.

I know that some may argue with that number but, personally, I know the good church has nothing to hide and these numbers are probably pretty accurate.

So, using the five-percent figure, with a worldwide Catholic priesthood of more than 400,000, that means there are only about 20,000 Catholic priests presently involved in child sex abuse. And those 20,000 on average are only molesting, say, half a dozen to a dozen kids at any one time, right? So at worst there are only between 120,000 and 250,000 kids being buggered and fondled by their clergy in any given month.

That's nothing! Not even when you add in the thousands of others who claim to have been abused by non-priests, such as the Christian Brothers in both Newfoundland and in Ireland, where a government inquiry found rape to be "endemic" over a period of decades, or when you include the tens of thousands of Natives who suffered abuse in Canada's notorious residential schools.

No, I think it's pretty clear, the Vatican is right; there simply isn't anything to be concerned about here. Especially since, once again, we're not actually talking about pedophilia, but only priests "engaging in sex with adolescent boys".

Lighten up everyone; priests have to have a little fun, too, you know.

Hasn't the Church been put through enough already? Seriously, if you're looking for a real victim in all of this, look no further than the poor misunderstood Church.

I'm so glad they stood up for themselves and finally set this matter straight once and for all.

Mike Cowie is a freelance writer who writes about politics, music, film, travel, and much more. You can read more of Mike’s views on his Web site.




Sep 29, 2009 at 7:03pm

Here we go again - lots of words and unsubstantiated figures - very soon they will have sectioned it off to 2 people who they will sack and the whole global clergy abuse crisis will disappear - they already say it is a figment of the imagination and that there is no real problem in this for them - they are weeding out those few in each category so they can say yet again look at all the good work we are doing and then its back to business. As usual a lot of words and no action - this from the leading light of Christianity - what we call a church is a pox upon humanity and will remain that way until it can provide a single global policy in regards the safety and protection of children in the same way they wrote into the Canon law of the church as to how Catholics must keep secret the facts and the truth of these crimes via the Decree Crimen Sollicitationis where is states quite clearly that Catholics must keep these crimes a secret else they will be excommunicated or even lose their chance at eternal life - that's usually called blackmail but in this church they call it their ethos and educate their children to follow the very same teaching. Catholic churches and Catholic schools are currently not safe places to take you children.



Sep 29, 2009 at 11:23pm

Thank you, Mike Cowie! Excellent post!
What a bunch of unbelievable CRAP that church has handed out! I think this new pope is one of the worst as well! I hope Catholics start to figure out that something is very very wrong in the Vatican State.

Lawrence Boxall

Sep 30, 2009 at 6:23am

The spirituality of the Vatican is nothing but a convenient facade that hides the reality of an earthly power-structure going back to early medieval/late Roman times. It would not be too far-fetched to describe the Catholic Church as a living remnant of the Roman Empire. One needs to consider the power of the Church in medieval times and take into account the history of the exercise of that power to fully appreciate that all this comes as no surprise. In fact, if you consider current politics in Canada, you will find that the Pope's representatives in Canada feel they have a right to pontificate on election issues and intervene in the democratic affairs of our nation. Consider what the Papacy did with the liberation theology-inspired priests who tried to bring justice to the majority people of Central and South America and then think about this attitude towards abusive priests—the Church authorities are clearly on the side of oppression in spite of the decency of many of the Church's followers.

David L

Sep 30, 2009 at 6:34am

Excellent article, the gross hypocracy of this is beyond belief.


Sep 30, 2009 at 10:06am

The Vatican's newly formed team of priests tasked with finding and rehabilitating ephebophiles, the Papal Association of Man Boy Loving Assholes, has cornered an alter boy buggering priest in the confessional.....we bring you live to witness this gutsy new initiative:

Priest: You'll never take me alive! I swallowed the evidence see.
Priest: I mean..what do you want? Bingo doesn't start until 7pm.
PAMBLA: You can't carry on like this any more Father. We have to put a stop to your sinning. The Holy Father has developed a therapy for all priests that we think will change the public's perception of us for the better. We're here to take you to a retreat where you'll be forced to watch child porn from morning until night until you're sick of it. We're sure that will change your evil ways.

from the retreat

Priest: I don't understand....I thought I'd be watching films. You're actually making movies here.
PAMBLA: Why do you think we're called PAMBLA.....we like irony?
Priest: But you said I was to be rehabilitated for sinning. Why all the child porn?
PAMBLA: That altar boy was a prime piece of chicken and you didn't share. Let this be a lesson for you. If you behave we'll let you star in one of our productions. The aim of the Vatican is to take all the fun stuff out of the public eye to a select few remote locations. Instead of local kids who might talk we'll provide you with orphans and refugees. You think we maintain third world missions for nothing? Relax...we've got your back.


Sep 30, 2009 at 11:32am

Keep strokin' Catlickers, got lots of room down here for ya. Right next to the whore stoners from the middle east and the Lords of the Inquisition.


Sep 30, 2009 at 6:58pm

When Chicago's Cardinal Bernardine opened up all of the records for outside, independent examination when he had been accused of molesting someone, the investigators found that MOST were priests engaging exactly as described by this new term and that the percentage in the Chicago diocese was 2% - 4% of the priests.
Any percentage is too large of a number, but because ALL other organizations don't have the history and record keeping of the Catholic Church, who bothers going after them and who bothers reporting them and who bothers screaming about them? No one. Hypocrites, all of you.


Sep 30, 2009 at 8:19pm

Wow -- In the Vatican's own words, the Catholic religion is no better than other religions. Good that they finally admit that.....

And they are no different than the so called secular branch.... that's also good to know. No more better than thou or truer than thou or purer than thou. Just poor, sick, ignorant human beings, like everyone else.

Scripture fulfilled: "As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:" (appropriately written and addressed to the right party .. Letter to the Romans 3:10)

O fennded

Sep 30, 2009 at 10:01pm

One more expose' about the Atrocities committed by the "Holy Men " of the Catholic Church, and the Powers within, that try to subvert the Truth .Society as a whole , MUST have some point of saturation, or have we become so desensitized , we can barely get off the couch and send a letter of outrage? I have been witnessing the same stories of abuse for forty years, what has changed? NOTHING. These evil men are still practicing their Craft, and Parents are still sending their little Lambs to the slaughter. I am sick with disgust.


Oct 1, 2009 at 10:36am

The Vatican's PR efforts have bandied about this 2-4% stat before and no one should buy it. Why you ask?

How can any organization be believed when they have a history of covering up the truth? The real percentage of catamite loving clergy is upwards of 20%. This percentage has been calculated by multiplying the number who have been caught by a factor of 7. Seven being a "holy" is only fitting to use it to delineate the enormity of this scandal. I could have multiplied by a factor of 10 but that would mean that virtually everyone growing up Catholic was buggered by their priest. It's more probable that a few escaped least in the physical sense if not psychologically.

If this obscene perversion is rampant in North America can you imagine what goes on in Africa? How many millions in charitable donations is spent keeping missionaries crotch deep in pliant victims for the fulfillment of their twisted sexual fantasies?