So it turns out we weren’t totally wrong. According to his hotly anticipated and just-published autobiography, Justin Bieber First Step 2 Forever: My Story, the King Dick of the floppy-fringed tween set really is the discarnate spirit of Vlad the Impaler residing in the body of an innocent Canadian eunuch. Talk about a twist in the tale! Turns out that previous hosts have included Carl “Alfalfa” Switzer, a bunch of self-loathing, gay Republicans, and—you guessed it—Frank Stallone. Most impressively, Bieber promises at some point in his career to actually vomit out the souls of the thousands of poor Carpathians who died during his cruel 15th-century reign, right on-stage! He doesn’t specify where or when, the coy little bastard, but let’s hope it’s at Rogers Arena, on Tuesday (October 19).
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