Blog: No one will ever know if Justin Bieber sucks

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      There are times when a person asks themselves big questions in life, such as: would it have behooved the Straight to have spent the past week slobbering all over Justin Bieber’s 16-year-old knob like the Vancouver Sun and Province?

      If you’ve been paying attention, both Vancouver dailies have spent the last seven days doing their best to convince Vancouver that the pride of Stratford, Ontario is the most important thing to hit pop music since the Bay City Rollers. Who, by the way, had considerably less-atrocious hair.

      Despite covering everything from where Bieber gets his mane tamed, to what brand of toilet paper he wipes his ass with, such unfailingly fawning coverage failed to ask one question: does the YouTube sensation have any actual talent? Or is he just the latest example of soccer mom-spawned tweens buying into something that’s so hopelessly pre-fabbed and phony, it makes Britney Spears look like the second coming of Patti Smith?

      The Georgia Straight was hoping to draw its own conclusions tonight when Bieber plays Rogers Arena. But after going through all the proper channels for review tickets, the Straight was informed this afternoon that the singer’s handlers have turned down the request.

      Interestingly enough, the Sun and the Province were both approved. It should be noted that this preferential treatment is a first. Usually, all major media in town is either approved for review tickets or denied.

      It's also interesting that management greenlighted a photo pass for the Straight. After all, a photo doesn’t tell the world if someone couldn’t sing their way out of a suburban karaoke bar.

      Perhaps Bieber’s people spent time this week trolling the Internet, where they unearthed a Straight Pop Eye suggesting that their boy isn’t really a singer, but is in fact Satan in disguise. Or perhaps it’s just that we didn’t spend enough time sucking his dick.

      Whatever the reason, you have to give Bieber’s handlers credit: if he blows worse tonight than a Tijuana whore with lockjaw and a chipped tooth, chances are good that no one is going to have the balls to say it.

      Related article:

      Dan Savage: Straight blog post on Justin Bieber was not homophobic

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      Oct 19, 2010 at 2:42pm



      Oct 19, 2010 at 2:49pm

      sounds like your sucking his dick right now.


      Oct 19, 2010 at 2:49pm

      This is an awesome take-down of stupid hype, and I love it. I don't know why you had to indulge in such pointless misogyny and homophobia throughout the piece -- "soccer mom spawned tweens", "sucking dick" -- however.

      Sarah Mckinlay

      Oct 19, 2010 at 2:53pm

      woah haha. Talk about a biased opinion. Tip: Never have a hater write an article

      Andrew Fleming

      Oct 19, 2010 at 2:55pm

      On the plus side, it saves you from having to draw straws over who would be stuck attending it.

      John Lucas

      Oct 19, 2010 at 3:03pm

      He's really a 51-year-old pedophile in disguise. The Onion said so.


      Oct 19, 2010 at 3:14pm

      justin bieber s sweet and nice and does not suck dick he is a boy with a girl friend plus all hot screaming girls for him i luv u justin and dont let this ass holes get in ya way

      Pyra Draculea

      Oct 19, 2010 at 3:15pm

      Logically, wouldn't they just use backing tracks and have him lip sync so no one can tell the difference?

      Vince Vaughn's conscience

      Oct 19, 2010 at 3:20pm

      I hate Justin Bieber as much as the next guy, but I wonder if this piece could have run without the the homophobic headline?


      Oct 19, 2010 at 3:32pm

      As much as I hate to admit it, the kid's got talent, and more than a little pop-star potential. But he's awfully young to be in that bubble, and keeping him out of harm's way is going to be near impossible when a lot of people have a vested interest in exploiting him. I'm no pop music fan (SOAD's more my thing) , but as young and untrained as his ear and voice are, I must grudgingly admit that yes, there's talent there.