You invite Craig Simpson to the music section’s Silence Is Golden Buddhist retreat, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt and two tickets to a Live Nation club show of your choice taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whinge.

Dear Payback Time: A quick glance through last week’s music section, and it seems like there’s really nothing to complain about. Stories include an upbeat young Irish band getting the nod for the lead story, profiles on game-changing artists like Raphael Saadiq and Tarun Nayar, and even a look at the new Twitter technique used by Wire on their latest record. But then a trend emerges: no articles written by Mike Usinger. Maybe he’s on holiday. Maybe he went on a pre-Easter bender. Whatever the reason, it’s hard to deny that the Straight music section hasn’t looked this good in a long time. Keep it up, Mike!

> Graham Serl

Mike Usinger responds: Dearest Graham—First of all, you need to be a little clearer when you are trying to make a point. Break your letter down, and what you are saying is that your big complaint is that there are no articles written by Mike Usinger. You then go on to suggest that the section has never looked better. A better way of phrasing this would be something like: “My big complaint is that there aren’t more issues like last week’s—ones that are Mike Usinger–free.” For the record, you are correct on both counts. Yes, I was on holiday, eating raw hamburger on the streets of Paris and wondering how in the hell one out of every two French chicks managed to be hotter than a wagon wheel where the participants included Brigitte Bardot, Audrey Tautou, and Marion Cotillard. Since returning, I’ve also been on a pre-Easter bender, fuelled by a hard-to-find bottle of Trois Rivières Martinique rum that I picked up in a rue Montorgueil grocery store. I got all excited after spotting it because, as every tiki-cocktail connoisseur knows, Martinique (as opposed to Five Alive and rubbing alcohol) is the secret ingredient of a true mai tai. Since getting back, I’ve been on it like Charles Bukowski at Christmas, squeezing limes, making rock-candy syrup, mixing the Trois Rivières with Appleton and almond syrup, and then shaking vigorously before pouring the whole concoction over crushed ice. I’m glad, though, that my vacation and subsequent alcoholic stupor have you excited enough to suggest that I keep up the good work. And while we’re dishing out compliments, might I note that your sidesplitting “performance” in that YouTube video for “The Nice Guy Rap” was the dopest thing ever. Eat your heart out, Money Hungry.

You can voice your impotent rage by snail mail or by sending an email to payback@straight.com.