A guy's guide to surviving the Army & Navy shoe sale: Let 'em know you're fucking there

Remember that old Rolling Stones song, the one that goes “You can’t always get what you want?” As the Straight’s Michelle da Silva noted yesterday, that’s often the case at the annual animal show known as the Army & Navy shoe sale. Our resident Imelda Marcos gave a shitload of invaluable advice for surviving Wednesday’s free-for all.

Today, we’re happy to chip in with a man’s perspective. After all, if you were paying close attention to that Stones song, you might have picked up on the fact that the real message is “But if you try sometimes, you might just get what you need.” And what you need here is shoes, priced cheaply enough to make you thank the high heavens that child labour isn’t a crime, but a god-given right in India and China.

To really get what you want, you have to think like a hockey player. So when you get up at 4:45 tomorrow morning, here’s what you do: get your game face on by cueing up Slapshot. There are important lessons to be learned. When someone attempts to jump the line in the alley before the doors open, get out there on the ice and let em know you’re there. When someone grabs that box of Elie Tahari Janine Ballerina Drivers, get that fuckin’ stick in their side and let ’em know you’re there! When you see a pair of Calvin Klein Licia Sandals tucked under someone’s arm, get that lumber in their teeth and let ”˜em know you’re there!

And should someone be lined up at the cash register ready to pay for those Steve Madden Rasberry Girl Klovvers, that’s when it’s time to put on the fucking foil that you picked up in homeware, and get down to brass fucking tacks. That’s right, you grab one of those Steve Madden shoes and then administer a beating that would impress no less than Mike Milbury. Use the following clip (focusing on the 28-second mark) as your guide. Now grab that Rasberry Girl Klovver and let ’em know you’re totally fucking there.