Believe it or not, you can learn a lot from the average punk rocker. Like, for example, whether an exclusive Kraft Dinner diet will cause scurvy and/or rickets faster than one that consists solely of Top Ramen. Or an easy way to achieve that perfect Exploited-style marlin mohawk by substituting whipped egg whites for Elmer’s Industrial Strength Horse Glue. Or how to make that vaunted Sears guitar/Yorkville amp combo sound more badass than Greg Ginn by punching holes in the speaker cone with dull HB pencils.
Those looking for something a little more useful in the life skills department, however, might want to consider enrolling in Cornell University this fall. Proving that not all punk rockers have the IQ of that singer from the Fartz, Bad Religion frontman (and notorious egghead) Greg Graffin will be teaching at the Ivy League school starting in September.
The singer, who received his PhD from Cornell, will lecture three days a week on evolution. It remains to be seen whether required reading will include Graffin’s recent book, Anarchy Evolution: Faith, Science And Bad Religion In A World Without God. It’s almost a given, though, that students will earn bonus credits for making sure never to bring up the existence of Bad Religion’s long-out-of-print, famously shat upon LP Into the Unknown, which was so rancid it temporarily broke up the band in 1983.
In other Graffin news, Chinese paleontologists have named a newly discovered bird fossil after the singer. The find, unearthed in the Gansu province of China, has been dubbed “Qiliania graffini”. In making the announcement, scientists had the following to say: “The species name is in honor of Dr. Gregory Graffin, PhD: paleontologist, evolutionary biologist, professor, rock star, and inspiration to numerous budding and established scientists around the world.”
There is no word as to whether that overweight, drunken slob Fat Mike can look forward to a similar shout-out in the future.