Sinead O'Connor wants YOU to pork her in the pooper

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      Because old pictures—or, for that matter, golden-era-of-MTV videos—don’t lie, there’s no point trying to deny that, in her time, Sinead O’Connor was one of the hottest pop stars on the planet. It didn’t even matter that she was bald; that somehow, again impossible odds, only added to her appeal.

      The video for “I Want Your Hands On Me”? Hot. In fact, here's proof.

      That video for that Prince song where she starts shedding big salty tears out her gorgeously wide eyes while stomping around some fog-shrouded park in a vampire cloak and army boots? Impossibly hot.

      Then came the, um, difficult years, where O’Connor was ripping up pictures of the Pope and enlisting as a minister in the Irish Orthodox Catholic and Apostolic Church. Because—unless you’re talking Lindsay Lohan—no one wants to get it on with a crazy lady, suddenly her sex-symbol status went straight down the shitter.

      And speaking of shitters, that brings us back to O’Connor, who recently decided she was tired of being celibate and ready for some good old-fashioned fucking. Not only that, she’s pretty much up for everything, insisting that whoever she hooks up with has no problem using the tradesman’s entrance. Whenever possible. That’s right, she not only is happy to be porked up the pooper, she demands it.

      On her website, O’Connor made a delightfully graphic list of what turns her crank now that she is in deep need of “a very sweet, sex-starved man”. (Potential suitors who have responded to the call are being listed on her Twitter account.) Sorry fellas, if you don’t do stubble, and are named Brian or Nigel, you are automatically out of the running. If, however, you are interested in helping the whatever-her-occupation-is-these-days 44-year-old get down and dirty, you must be into anal, porking whenever possible, anal, violating oneself with bananas, and anal.

      Here’s O’Connor’s full list of what she’s looking for in a friends-with-benefits relationship. (Godspeed, and good luck if you think that you are up for the job, especially if you live in a house with a bunny and a giant soup-stock pot):

      1. "Saturday night. Every ugly bitch in the world is gettin' porked but me. : ( "

      2. "I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear ... Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex ... yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown' ... Don't apply."

      3. "I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don't yet own a truck but I'm beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab's whole fleet in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can't say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their web-site. Which would be fine."

      4. "Dave Chapelle is my dream man. Can u find out if he's single and likes the backdoor?"

      5. "What I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing."

      6. "My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners."

      7. "I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered."

      8. "On this day last week I had 3 followers on twitter. since I mentioned anal sex I have almost 2000!"

      9. "I have a hot date with a banana"


      We're now using Facebook for comments.


      Rick H

      Aug 29, 2011 at 10:48pm

      My eyes. It burns!

      james green

      Aug 30, 2011 at 12:43am

      This is obscene. Period. Who is your editor?

      Mark Fornataro

      Aug 30, 2011 at 8:55am

      James G.-Things such as violence and bigotry are obscene as is prudishness about sex; this is the 21stC and this piece is not obscene. Besides, today's editor is the Right Honorable Dan Savage.

      Pat Crowe

      Aug 30, 2011 at 9:29am

      well then...I always knew she wasn't crazy.

      L'il Stevie

      Aug 30, 2011 at 9:48am

      obscene, oh james... a rihanna video is more obsence.


      Aug 30, 2011 at 9:49am

      fuck me :)

      Gregory L. Robinson

      Aug 30, 2011 at 10:46am

      Sinead, you beautiful, wonderful human! Humour, chutzpah, guts! Too bad Henry Miller was a century or so too old, you two would have been a perfect couple.


      Aug 30, 2011 at 2:01pm

      She doesn't beat around the bush.


      Aug 30, 2011 at 2:19pm

      I wouldn't touch her 43 year old pooper with a 10 inch pole....unless I was as drunk as pooper porking Oirishman.


      Aug 30, 2011 at 6:11pm

      haha! jaysus murphy call the doctor!