News for Youse: Let's talk about the obesity crisis

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      Humans are facing a problem of WALL-E proportions. Or at least America is. New research is forecasting that fully 42 percent of the U.S. population will likely be obese by 2030. Currently the rate of obesity in the U.S. sits around 36 percent, or over 80 million people.

      That's why it hurts what's left of our heart when we read stories like the one about two Brampton teenagers who are fighting to have junk food put back in their high school. Foods such as fries, coffee, gum, chocolate, and pop were removed from St. Thomas Aquinas Secondary School in September as part of a healthy food initiative in Ontario—but Samuel Battista and Brian Baah argue that this takes away their right to choose to put shitty food into their bodies.

      Here's their empassioned YouTube plea, whining about the lack of Gatorade ("What happens if we're dehydrated?") and coffee ("What if we need to study?").

      "How can the government expect students to make the right choices if the governments themselves are taking away these choices?" wails the voice-over.

      For fuck's sake, get a grip. Where in our Charter of Rights and Freedoms does it say you have the inalienable right to poison yourself? The government isn't taking away your right to choose anything. If you fucking need a cup of coffee so badly, make a thermos of it and bring it to class. If you're gonna die of dehydration, bring a bottle of sugary sports drink with you from home. Learn to problem-solve, kids, don't fucking whine that your school isn't bending over backwards to feed your junk-food habit. And if you need a cheeseburger so badly, why don't you walk the 1.5 kilometres to McDonald's and buy one? Oh, students are doing that? Seems like a walk is better for you than sitting around whining about an entirely reasonable health policy.

      Hey kids, did you know that almost one in four Canadian adults is obese and over 60 percent are overweight? Do you understand that this translates into "Hey, we have a fucking health-care crisis on our hands"? Yeah, didn't think so.

      We suppose it doesn't really matter, though. Between the coming global water crisis, the spike in obesity, and the dumbing down of our younger generations, there won't be much of a world to live in come 2030.

      And on that cheery note, congratulations go out to Shireen Anderson, who gave birth to a healthy baby girl on Tuesday (May 8) in the bathroom of a Tim Hortons in Windsor, Ontario. In what may go down as the most stereotypically Canadian birth ever, delivery of baby Azauria took less than 20 minutes and came as quite a surprise to the mother as well as the store's employees, who quickly learned that when a baby's ready to come out, the ship pretty much steers itself. Both mother and daughter are doing well, and the public is relieved that the baby was not saddled with a moniker like "Timbit" or "Honey Cruller".

      Follow no-fun Miranda Nelson on Twitter.


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      May 9, 2012 at 1:38pm

      I strongly object to the use of my Facebook profile picture at the top of this article. Plus, somebody has Photoshopped it, to remove my very manly moustache and transform me from an "outy" to an "inny".

      This is why I continue to resist repeated offers to become a male model. Too much fakery these days.

      My attorney's letter will follow.

      (PS - I don't like teenagers. They're all stupid. That's how you get to BE a teenager.)

      Old Fashioned Plain