Starring Chris Rock, Kerry Washington, and Gina Torres. Rated 14A.

I think I hate Chris Rock. I don't think he'd mind. The snarky stand-up comedian cowrote, directed, stars in, and narrates this shockingly cynical film about male-female relationships. It follows that the guy would expect my bile.

I Think I Love My Wife is an excruciating male fantasy that follows the attempted sexual conquest of a weak-willed, married investment banker (Rock) by Nikki, a notorious husband fancier. As played by Kerry Washington, Nikki's jaw-droppingly cunning manipulator and duplicitous ho is more terrifying than Godzilla. Her seductress act will boil the blood and unsheathe the claws of every committed girlfriend and wife in the theatre. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but watching the geeky Richard crumble as Nikki's toxic coquette smirked and sucked her finger was more horrifying than sitting through those flicks where the trusting high-school virgin teeters on the brink of allowing the oily college playboy to pop her cherry.

Playing Brenda, the unenviable wife insulted by the title, is Gina Torres. The couple's problems are her fault, we learn, because she doesn't like lacy panties. We wait, but never does Richard model some crisp new boxers while Brenda is slaving over his chicken dinner. We wait, but never does Brenda chafe under Richard's criticism and split with a hunkier dude who'll give her a foot rub to spice her up. That's because she's an elementary-school teacher and a darn good mom, don't you know. It's also because the 42-year-old Rock is so enamoured of himself and what he can get from “bitches” and “sluts” that you can smell puberty on him.

Rock manages to not only resurrect the tired madonna/whore dichotomy but also embrace the worst of hip-hop video-skank values and tired jokes: how many times must we sit through a sketch where a horny guy in a pharmacy lineup nervously says he wants some condoms?

Between the film's blatant objectification of women and men wallowing in self-pity, there are also racist swipes. A scene where Richard and Nikki fling dollar bills out a high-rise office window so they can watch Caucasians scramble suggests that Rock intends the film for African-American audiences.

To the contrary, the galling pessimism of I Think I Love My Wife will finally provide insight to individuals of every gender and race as to why so many women elect to either remain blissfully single, marry strictly for money, or get a cat.