That Time I Bombed: Wolve Thomas... actually only crushes

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      That Time I Bombed is where the Straight asks comedians about their life-changing shows, favourite comedy albums, and, a subject that any comedian will face at some point in their career, a time that they bombed on stage.

      Editor's note: This interview was heavily edited because literally every single word submitted by Wolve was intentionally spelled incorrectly.

      Who are you

      I am Wolve Thomas. I am the best standup comic in the country by a very long distance and I have showcased 16 times for the prestigious Just For Laughs festival in Montreal—a national record.

      I am most famous for how I destroy hecklers and don’t take any shit. If you haven’t already heard of me then congratulations: you’re totally out of the loop and probably aren’t very cool.

      First standup experience

      My first standup show was at Catch a Rising star in 1978. I headlined and did two hours. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David opened for me (I had never heard of them but someone told me they are famous now) and I crushed for the whole two hours.

      The owner of the club asked me if I wanted to take over ownership and also perform every night, but I politely declined. It was after all my first set ever—I wasn’t sure I wanted to take the first job offered to me.

      However, have a look at where the chips fell: that comedy club has been closed for years and I’m still going strong.

      Life-changing comedy show

      The first comedy show that BLEW my mind was a set that I did at a casino in Ontario in the mid ’80s. I was so good and so edgy that I was just blown away.

      I remember thinking to myself after the show, “Holy shit, that was a great show.” Another comic was there opening for me, and he said that I was “the funniest human being that has ever lived”.

      It was quite the compliment and I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t fully remember his name. Stan Kennison maybe? He was a sweet kid.

      Top three comedy specials/albums

      I’ve never watched a comedy special before other than my own, so I guess just pick any three that I did. (There are 47 to choose from.)

      I find that watching other comics makes you a 100 percent joke-thief, no questions asked. Many comics are impressed at the list of comics I have never heard of: Bill Hicks, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, and Joan Rivers are just a few of the famous comedians I don’t know of.

      All-time favourite joke or bit

      “I’ve been doing comedy for as long as a I can remember.” Long pause. “Two and a half weeks.” —Wolve Thomas.

      This joke is about my memory loss from substance abuse issues, which remain unresolved.

      Something you saw that made you laugh but probably shouldn’t have

      One time, I was looking at a box on the ground and I just started laughing so hard.

      I probably shouldn’t have because it was just a box on the ground, but I was mostly laughing because I was very very high on nitrous oxide.

      You can find it in many household items like whipping cream containers and it gets you nicely high. I still do nitrous and it’s really fun. I highly recommend it.

      That time I bombed

      I have literally never bombed once in my entire life. I have done over 11,000 shows and every single one I crushed.

      I will tell a story about when ONE lady got really offended by my act and said I shouldn’t do the second show, but instead let the middle act do it. I had just finished CRUSHING for an hour. Tables flipped, chairs thrown around. It was easily the single best set of standup comedy that any human being has ever done.

      So this lady (maybe drunk) comes up to me and says, “You are a misogynist. I don’t think you should do the second show. That was so offensive; I am so offended. Please just leave.”

      I was like “Sorry you were offended, but your little feelings don’t mean that you’re allowed to tell me whether or not I can perform. Only the owner of the club can tell me that.” And then you know what she said? She said, “I AM the owner of the club.” It was ridiculous.

      Wolve Thomas (obviously) headlines An Evening with Wolve Thomas this Friday (November 25) at Little Mountain Gallery. You can also follow Wolve on Twitter.