Canada's biggest iceholes of 2014: The Fords, Ghomeshi, Bieber, and (sadly) more

    1 of 11 2 of 11

      Gone are the days when Canadians were seen as courteous, considerate, and cooperative people. No, now we're a bunch of obnoxious, spoiled, and violent folks, thanks to the likes of some of the biggest Canadian names (in addition to jerk-off Canadian tourists) who have been making not only national but international headlines.

      With doleful eyes, let us cast a backward glance upon the top Canadian iceholes of 2014 as we track not only the decline but the destruction of the Canadian empire. Like take off, eh?

      Chavril, purveyors of Canadian cheese

      Avril Lavigne tries to counter rumours she's not wearing her wedding ring again by proving she is.
      s_bukley/Shutterstock
      And Chad Kroeger supports her. Woo.
      Antonio Scorza/Shutterstock

      Claim to shame: Nickelback. Chavril. The Avril LOLOLOLOLavigne atrocity "Hello Kitty" (which Chad Kroeger cowrote) and the video which entailed stereotypes of Asian females as robotic, silent, and subservient to white people (she's not racist—she's just ignorant). 

      Icehole rating: Four out of five Gowans.

       

      David Booth, hockey player, animal lover

      Look, Ma! No brain!

      Claim to shame: We’ll say that NHL left-winger David Booth qualifies as an honourary Canadian because of his place of birth (Florida, home to thousands of Canada’s seasonal snowbirds) and the fact that he played with the Vancouver Canucks for three seasons before being put on waivers and bought out earlier this year, ending up with the Toronto Maple Leafs.

      Regardless, when it comes to being a total icehole, Booth is far from honourary, wearing the full-fledged title proudly during his time here by killing lots of animals whenever he wasn’t busy not scoring goals for the Canucks.

      Booth unapologetically posted on social-media platforms pictures of himself holding up or posing next to wildlife he had slaughtered with his trusty bow and arrows, including an elk, a mountain goat, many ducks, and a hungry Alberta black bear that he heroically killed from hiding while hunkered over bait (a practice that is banned in B.C. but legal in Alberta). Perhaps the most distasteful bit of digital braggadocio, however, was the Twitter shot of him holding up what appeared to be two baby racoons skewered on the same arrow. The caption read: “It’s like getting both assists on the game winner. #raccoonkabob.”

      After being roundly criticized and garnering media attention from across North America for such actions, the brave Booth attempted to quell the outrage by tweeting a photo of himself “kissing” a tame grizzly bear at an Abbotsford animal trainer’s facility. Epic fail, Nimrod. That dead mouse you held up in another pic had way more heart in his tiny, lifeless body than you ever showed in the rink here. Icehole.

      Icehole rating: Eight out of 10 Ted Nugents

       

      Jian Ghomeshi, former Q host, complete ew

      Ghomeshi displays his queer fashion sense.

      Claim to shame: Oh, what else is there to say about Ghomeshi that hasn't already been said? Pretty much nothing, as it quickly overshadowed the Ottawa shooting (and Kevin Vickers's heroic takedown of the gunman) in October. As if inflicting Moxy Früvous upon an unsuspecting Canadian populace wasn't enough, the ever-ambitious Ghomeshi had to go to bigger and better disasters. 

      The reaction to the Ghomeshi story did spark a far overdue nationwide discussion about violence against women, gender relations, and more. The story also coincided with the resurfacing of rape allegations against Bill Cosby. Ghomeshi's initial attempt to frame this story as an issue about BDSM and the privacy of sexual practices turned into a major backlash against him as more women came forward and celebrities by the dozens abandoned and severed ties with him. Numerous celebrities voiced their opinions about him, including Owen Pallett, George Stromboulopoulos, Margaret Cho, Elvira Kurt, Rex Murphy, Ed the Sock, and others. 

      While many Americans didn't know who the CBC radio host was, they quickly learned as U.S. (as well as U.K. and even Australian) news outlets began to cover the story.

      Icehole rating: Thanks to the age of the Internet, this story went not only viral but became a social-media epidemic. For everything about this, Jian gets 10 out of 10 tongues on a frozen pole. 

       

      Luka Magnotta, national abomination

      Yuck.

      Claim to shame: This one isn't even remotely funny.

      On December 23, 32-year-old Magnotta was convicted with an automatic life sentence for the first-degree murder of 33-year-old Chinese engineering student Jun Lin in 2012. Lin's body parts were found in a suitcase outside Magnotta's Montreal apartment and packages sent to the Ottawa headquarters of political parties and two Vancouver schools, and in a Montreal park.

      The story gained international attention not just because of a bottomless pit of grisly and lurid details but also because Magnotta was arrested at an internet café in Berlin and because Lin was a Chinese national. An added disturbing element was the fan mail Magnotta received, proving once again the celebrities and sociopaths are pretty much the same thing.

      Icehole rating: It's one of the most disturbing Canadian news stories since the likes of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka, Clifford Olson, and Robert Pickton. There's no rating system appropriate for this one.


      Doug and Rob Ford, Toronto buffoons, alleged politicians

      "Ees too rong tah oong Jedi mind trick!" Rob Ford said in Huttese.
      rmnoa357/Shutterstock

      Claims to shame: Everything they do or say.

      While Rob initially rose to international fame in 2013 after a video of him allegedly smoking crack came to light, he began 2014 embroiled in an entirely different scandal after a video of him speaking offensively in a Jamaican accent surfaced.

      In March, Rob made his infamously cringe-worthy appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, exposing his bloated buffoonery to our American neighbours, dispelling the myth of the polite Canadian, and sweating so much that Kimmel literally had to dry him off.

      After a second video of Rob allegedly smoking crack surfaced at the end of April, he took a leave of absence from city hall and headed to rehab in May.

      During this time, the Toronto Star published a colourful piece about Rob's adventures two days after his Kimmel disaster. Highlights include Rob's prolific use of racial slurs and how he smacked an acquaintance in the face with a bag of hamburgers. It also quotes Rob as saying his wife, "lets me fuck girls in front of her all the time".

      Rob returned to work in June. However, after a cancerous tumour was discovered in his abdomen, Rob pulled out of Toronto's mayoral race, passing the baton to older brother Doug (thankfully he lost to John Tory). Meanwhile, Rob was re-elected to his old city council seat. Plus ça change...

      We tried to get a photo of the Ford brothers together in one photo but they wouldn't fit.

      Doug, who by many reports is the smarter, meaner of the pair, seemed to content himself in 2014 with putting his foot in his mouth again and again and again.

      If his health is good, Rob has pledged to run for mayor again in 2018 and Doug's been threatening a run with the Conservatives. So we have that to look forward to.

      Icehole rating: Ten out of 10 Fords, the standard by which all national embarrassments should henceforth be rated.

       

      Justin Bieber, former teen idol, current abject failure

      As this photo reveals, Justin Bieber and the Angel of Death could pretty much be the same thing.
      JStone/Shutterstock

      Claim to shame: He's only released three albums (one of them a Christmas album), which are outnumbered by the number of times he had run-ins with the law.

      Since his criminal career is more interesting than his discography, let's talk about his hits of the past year. He started off 2014 promisingly by hitting a neighbouring Californian home with eggs in January. The same month, he was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida, for impaired driving, driving with an expired license, and resisting arrest. In September, he was charged with dangerous driving and assault when he hit a minivan in Stratford, Ontario.

      And that's not mentioning ongoing legal issues stemming from previous years.

      To cap off his year, he topped the list of celebrities that Americans would least like to be neighbours with, beating out Kim Kard-ass-hian and Kanye West. With exports like these, pretty soon Americans won't want to be neighbours with our country.

      And there's also this...

      Icehole rating: The pride of Stratford has become the shame of Canada as he proves Canadian former teen idols can be every bit as screwed up as their American counterparts, and perhaps even moreso.

      He gets a whopping 15 out of 10 Lindsay Lohans, which is probably one of his greatest accomplishments.

       

      Stephen Harper, prime minister of Harperlandia

      Emperor Haute Couture by Margaret Sutherland, oil on canvas, 2011.
      Margaret Sutherland

      Claim to shame: What can we say about our Supreme Icehole, Stephen Harper, sitting in the biggest igloo in Canada, that hasn’t been said before? Not much, but it is always instructive to review the performance so far of our Putinesque dictator in the runup to the federal election this year.

      Never mind the almost unheard-of proroguing of Parliament (twice!) for partisan political gain (even former PM Paul Martin did not resort to this in 2005 to save his minority government) or his watering down of environmental laws. Never mind his being found guilty of contempt of Parliament. Never mind his obstinate heel-dragging over international climate-change accords and his refusal to call an inquiry into the national shame of murdered and missing aboriginal women. Never mind his suppression of dissent and obvious distaste for science and scientists, or his lowering of the status of our country in the eyes of the world. Never mind his patent derision for Canadian parliamentary democracy and tradition. Never mind his attempts to foster a cult of personality around his name (it’s the "Harper government", doncha know?), his consolidation of power in the PMO, and his relegation of cabinet to the role of yes men, whipping boys, and sycophants. Never mind his running of TV attack ads against his political rivals more than a year ahead of an election.

      It is his use of so-called omnibus bills—like the recently passed C-43, his second budget-implementation bill of 2014—that should really trigger public revulsion for this dead-eyed tinpot tyrant. In an effort to avoid discussion, debate, separate Commons votes, and the cultivation of public opinion, C-43, divided into four parts (one of which had 31 divisions), introduced, changed, extended, or eliminated a vast swath of regulations in about 50 different acts (Harper said “several”) that had very little or nothing at all to do with any budget. MPs who voted had no idea what these measures would cost Canadian taxpayers or even what the ultimate effect might be with some of the changes. The invocation of a time limit put an end to any silly notion of debate or democracy.

      Harper said—in 2006, at the beginning of his mandate—“You won’t recognize Canada when I’m through with it.” Well, we already can’t recognize Canada.

      And Harper isn’t through with it yet.

      Icehole! 

      Icehole rating: One-hundred dirty pipelines and an endless horde of angry Suzukis.      

      Comments

      11 Comments

      Bruce Conway

      Dec 31, 2014 at 8:59am

      Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Hitler, Stalin, Harper - all of them were not particularly charitable to scientists and "intellectuals". Of course some of those dictators went so far as to have them killed.

      We only have muzzling at this point, but who knows. It's a slippery slope. Things happen gradually, but relentlessly to accord with Dear Leader's wishes.

      Mary deLisser

      Dec 31, 2014 at 9:58am

      Not bad but I would have put Stevil Harper at the top.

      out at night

      Dec 31, 2014 at 10:40am

      Stephen Harper: "dead-eyed tinpot tyrant."

      I love it! As this story has three names on the byline, I will let myself imagine that each of you contributed one word each to this slam-dunk description of our Dear Leader.

      Laz

      Dec 31, 2014 at 7:23pm

      adolph harper

      or

      stephen hitler

      which one is more apt ?

      popsicornia

      Jan 1, 2015 at 12:45am

      Disgraceful. Of all the listed Iceholes, only one deserves the true crown, the despicable opportunist Harper, Leaside brat transplant, insufferable inflatable corporate joy toy, a true ugly wake up call to those unsure of the state of the Canadian body politic.

      Enough is enough

      Jan 1, 2015 at 6:49am

      The writer decries Chavril's Asian stereotyping yet perpetuates the same behaviour by making repeated fat slurs regarding the Fords in the post. Yes their behaviour is unaccepatable, but so is that of the "writer" by mocking them for their size rather than their many other icehole worthy acts. I am also ashamed on behalf of the Straight for allowing this discriminatory behaviour to be perpetuated.

      JD

      Jan 1, 2015 at 9:19am

      The funny part is that Harper will probably get back in for a final term, despite the hyperbole. How could this possibly happen? Because despite his arrogant, iron-fisted approach to running his party, he hasn't done anything illegal or anti-constitutional. His only real negative is, as always, his personality. The country is doing well enough that the economy is not a big issue, which doesn't leave much for the opposition to attack.

      out at night

      Jan 1, 2015 at 11:49am

      I'm with Enough is Enough - fat jokes aren't okay. Don't the Fords have enough in their dossiers that one shouldn't need to go to there? I for one was an ardent anti-Fordian long before this whole crack scandal broke. The guys were on record for a whole long list of hateful awfulness before Rob was even elected mayor.

      bb49

      Jan 2, 2015 at 4:18pm

      Rob Ford. Very entertaining. We need more politicians that aren't afraid to say something stupid, so long as he's not my mayor.
      David Booth. What did he do illegal? Oh I forgot, this is the Straight.