Homeless in Vancouver: How'd you like to see this in a back alley?

    1 of 1 2 of 1

      Oh look, a Canadian First Nations person wearing a Mexican wrestler’s mask decorated with the patch of an U.S. NFL football team.

      This has something to do with NAFTA doesn’t it?

      Actually it’s my friend Johnny.

      He left McDonald’s to do a bit of binning in the back alleys and came right back less than half an hour later to show me (or rather show off) the choicest bits he cherry-picked out of a garbage bag of stuff he happened across not even a block away from the restaurant.

      Nyah nyah nya nya nya!

      There were five species of cellphone including a second-generation iPhone. Lots of cellphone cords and a whole mess of other techie little battery-operated thingies.

      One of them was a teensy little belt with a Velcro closure. There were two slightly different fat lozenges attached opposite each other on the outside of the belt. I think the whole thing was sparkly.

      I explained to Johnny what part of a man’s anatomy the belt was meant to fit around.

      To give him credit, Johnny had to master his horror in order to pick the sex aid up and throw it in the garbage.

      And then there was the wrestler’s mask. Hola!

      He didn’t want to keep it and I wouldn’t take it from him.

      I suspected the mask had been a role-playing prop but I didn’t think it stood on its own in the absence of the vibrator toy.

      I didn’t tell Johnny this so he was willing to pose for a photo wearing “la máscara”. But despite my prodding, he wouldn’t wear it when he went to the counter to order french fries—that would’ve been a much better photo opportunity.

      Stanley Q. Woodvine is a homeless resident of Vancouver who has worked in the past as an illustrator, graphic designer, and writer.