The mainstream right wing of the U.S. political spectrum, which has inexplicably been handed the keys to the White House, is utterly baffling to observe from the outside. When a misogynist multibillionaire with zero experience in matters governmental, diplomatic, or military is handed the reins of power to the world's most powerful country, you know we are truly, deeply fucked.
And now Kid Rock wants a piece of the action. The Detroit rapper and Southern-rock revivalist, born Robert Ritchie, has officially announced that he's running for a seat in the United States Senate. Like Donald Trump, whose presidential campaign he supported, Ritchie has no political experience. He also lacks any postsecondary education.
Fortunately for him, those things are not prerequisites for senatorship. In fact, the requirements are pretty minimal: you have to be over 30 and you have to reside in the state in which you are elected. Having a criminal record isn't detrimental, which is good for Ritchie, who has faced charges for assault and alcohol-related offences on a number of occasions.
His Kid Rock for U.S. Senate website makes no mention of party affiliation, but Ritchie has proclaimed himself a Republican in the past. (He has also proclaimed himself an American Badass, a redneck, a pimp, and "the Bullgod", for the record.) Kid Rock is just what the GOP seems to be looking for these days, a true avatar of old-fashioned American values: a weed-smoking, cougar-killing former drug dealer who once starred in a sex tape with Scott Stapp.
Kid Rock is proudly politically incorrect and unapologetically vulgar, traits that might cost him some support among more old-guard conservatives. Then again, if Donald "Grab'em by the Pussy" Trump can get elected, clearly no one gives a shit about anything anymore.
Without further ado, here are a few of Kid Rock's most problematic lyrics.
1. "Balls in Your Mouth" (1993)
Sample lyric: "Cruisin' through town in my jacked-up truck/Eyes open cuz I'm scopin' for a big butt slut/One that I can take straight back to my house/And have her suck my dick and put my balls in her mouth"
Pretty much any Kid Rock song on the topic of sex could be construed as sexist (see also: "Fuck U Blind" and "WCSR"), but "Balls in Your Mouth" is some seriously next-level misogyny. The song finds our hero seeking out a partner for a specific activity. He finds one, the act is consummated to the mutual pleasure of both participants, and then the next day he publicly slut-shames her, as any gentleman would.
2. "Black Chick, White Guy" (1996)
Sample lyric: "Pretty girl in the ghetto, go figure/Yeah, she got macked by some dope dealin' nigger"
Hey, Kid: you know who's allowed to use the N word? Take a look in the mirror. Not that guy.
3. "Fuck Off" (1998)
Sample lyric: "Kid Rock, I couldn't be no Bozo/And I get too much P to ever be no homo... I'm not Peter Pan, I don't fuck with fairies/But I bust more rhymes than virgin cherries"
To his credit, Kid Rock, like Barack Obama, has "evolved" on LGBT issues. Sort of. Two years ago he said "As an ordained minister I don’t look forward to marrying gay people, but I’m not opposed to it." Wait, Kid Rock is an ordained minister?!
4. "Midnight Train to Memphis" (2001)
Sample lyric: "Doped-up rebel with an attitude/Shit/So fuck a bitch...I won't switch, won't quit my vices"
Based on a cursory perusal of his lyrics, Ritchie's vices include cocaine, hallucinogenic mushrooms, and marijuana. This would make him the only open and unrepentant user of illicit drugs in the U.S. Senate. Which is...progressive? Maybe? In any case, he's on record as supporting the legalization of coke and heroin. Good luck with that!
5. "Half Your Age" (2007)
Sample lyric: "She's half your age and twice as hot... Oh she wakes up every morning and she folds my clothes"
Kid Rock has had his fill of women who have, like, opinions and shit. He's found someone young and malleable who will do his housework and not complain about it. The American dream, really.
6. "3 CATT Boogie" (2012)
Sample lyric: "Banks hedgin’ bets for the next generation/And Wall Street’s stirrin’ up the whole situation"
Every once in a long while, Kid Rock lets a vaguely political sentiment creep into his lyrics. These lines from "3 CATT Boogie" reference the financial crisis of 2007-08. Trouble is, he seems to be suggesting that big banks and Wall Street have to shoulder much of the blame for it. Needless to say, this is not the Republican party line. In fact, the GOP is trying to repeal much of the Dodd-Frank Act, which was designed to protect consumers from another financial meltdown. The Republicans' Financial CHOICE Act has been characterized by top Democrats as a handout to Wall Street. We're shocked to admit that we're with Kid Rock on this one, even though we're 99 percent certain he thinks Dodd-Frank is a brand of hot-dog wiener.