A look back at the biggest dicks of the decade

One thing I think everyone can agree on is the fact that this past decade has had more than its fair share of dicks. While almost everyone can agree on the dickishness of certain slimy characters out there, certain others inexplicably have their passionate defenders.

To my mind, however, over the past ten years quintessential dickishness has been defined by a select few.

So here it is, my list of the Biggest Dicks of the Decade:

#10. The Bankers at Goldman Sachs, Citigroup, etc.
First they nearly bring down the world's financial system through their greed and short-term lust for profit, selling worthless bundled derivatives and their like. Then, after taking a trillion dollar bailout, they go straight back to their old reckless ways and, just to rub it in, start handing out hundreds of billions of dollars in bonuses to employees who wouldn't even have jobs if it weren't for the taxpayers saving their institutions from complete collapse a few months earlier. Capitalism taken to its logical, unregulated extreme. And let's not forget all the mindless deregulating politicians and, of course, Ayn Rand disciple and Mr. Housing Bubble himself, Alan Greenspan, the once mighty head of the Fed. Dicks!

#9. Ahmadinejad and the Conservative Mullahs of Iran
Rolling back the democratic and social reforms of his predecessor, fixing elections, labeling the Holocaust a sham, and sending out thugs to beat up, arrest, torture, and even kill peaceful protestors and opposition supporters, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his supporters in the conservative theocracy have enough blood on their hands to make it onto anyone's list. Dicks!

#8. Robert Mugabe
This is a no brainer. For destroying a once prosperous country and for turning the breadbasket of southern Africa into a nation of famine and poverty that can only survive with massive food aid from abroad—all the while unleashing a reign of terror against his opponents in an attempt to cling to power at all costs —this guy defines and even radiates the term dick. Read more about this buffoon here: A Delusional Dictatorial Demagogue: The Mugabe (and Mbeki) Rant. Dick!

#7. The Israeli Government
The governments of Prime Ministers Ariel Sharon, Ehud Olmert, and Benjamin Netanyahu, for their continued oppression of the Palestinian people; for the war on the people of Lebanon and the war on the people of Gaza, both featuring mass, disproportionate killings of civilians and horrific destruction. Then there's the continuing embargo on Gaza, leaving the people there living not just in the world's largest prison camp but also in a land of hopeless poverty and mounds of rubble. And let's not forget the Apartheid Wall through the West Bank and the neverending and completely illegal appropriation of Palestinian land to build more and more Israeli settlements throughout the West Bank.

It's always fun to listen to Israel's kneejerk defenders explain why all of this oppression and land stealing is not just ok, but is actually the Palestinians own fault. But the truth remains that this is one of the last bastions of outright brutal colonialism in the world. There are others too, of course, but Israel's constant refrain that it is the most civilized nation in the Middle East makes it a worthy member of this list on the grounds of flagrant hypocrisy alone. Dicks!

#6. Canadians
Yes, Canadians. It may shock some to see the famously nice, friendly and polite people of Canada making an appearance on a Dicks of the Decade list, but this, I assure you, is a well-earned honor.

And we're not just talking about the country's leaders here; no, we're talking about most of the population.

Why exactly?

Well, for our complacency and complicity in becoming the world's worst environmental degraders.

For accepting, with a seeming shrug of the shoulders, the humiliating reality of being the world's worst per capita greenhouse gas polluters.

For allowing our country to become a laughing stock at the recent Copenhagen climate change conference, where we were mocked daily as a "fossil".

For accepting the idea that we can get richer and richer while harming the rest of the world and the rest of the world can just go screw themselves.

For not standing up to our government and demanding that the oil sands be drastically scaled back or, at the very least, slowed down.

For believing we somehow deserve the wealth of the oil sands no matter the damage it may cause—utilizing some sort of medieval divine right of kings mentality.

For buying into the idea that cutting back on the oil sands will cost jobs, as if jobs are the only consideration in life. Cutting back on the slave trade cost slavetraders a few jobs too, of course, and banning whaling also cost some jobs, as did doing away with the asbestos industry, and outlawing smoking for those under 18, and banning landmines, and... So many things have cost jobs over the years, but simply had to be done for the good of humanity and/or the good of the planet. This is no different. Some things just have to go, or at least be cut back significantly. The oil sands are clearly one of those.

Ok, so perhaps Canadians do indeed belong on this list, you say to yourself, but why so high up, above killers and megalomaniacs like Ahmadinejad and Mugabe?

Well, it's true that Canadians aren't exactly killers, but if the climate change forecasts are correct, Canadians per capita will be the most guilty when it comes to pointing blame for catastrophic worldwide destruction and death in coming decades. But few seem to even care. Self-absorbed dicks!

#5. The Dictators of China
In order to justify their continued repression and dictatorship, the Party argues that economic growth justifies anything and everything. As most of the world continues to suck up to them in the name of better trade relations, China's self-serving, luxury-life-living Communist overlords are becoming more and more easy to read. As they wholeheartedly embrace cutthroat capitalism and abandon any and all principals, other than Nationalism of course, it becomes clearer by the day that all these thugs really believe in is retaining power at all costs.

And when you consider their role in propping up petty dictators in places like North Korea, Burma and Sudan, oppressing the people of Tibet, and scuttling the Copenhagen climate change conference they probably should actually appear much higher on this list. Maoist capitalist oxymoronic dicks!

#4. Kim Jong Mentally-il
As the North Korean people continue to suffer horrific poverty and famine, all more or less created by the People's Glorious Party of Democratic Socialism, Dickhead Kim lives in luxury in his 17 palaces watching foreign films, eating fine imported cuisine and, above all else, fighting for his son to be appointed his heir.

Think about it, a Communist monarchy. Three generations of the Kim family dictatorship. Grandpa was Great Leader, Dad is Dear Leader, so perhaps the son, who is now referred to as "The Brilliant Comrade" (really!), can be called Awesome Leader. Deluded dicks!

#3. Omar al-Bashir
After spending the previous decade slaughtering the people of southern Sudan, Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir (in power since 1989) turned his attention to Darfur. As the world has stood by and watched, al-Bashir has orchestrated a killing campaign and reign of terror which has seen millions displaced, tens of thousands systematically raped, and hundreds of thousands killed. The Janjaweed (themselvesdDicks of note) do the actual killing and raping, but the campaign is clearly planned, organized and cheered on by al-Bashir from the capital, Khartoum. Genocidal dick!

#2. Osama bin Laden
Indiscriminate killing in the name of God is hardly new or in any way something that this jackass has improved on, but as far as mass-murdering fundamentalist dicks go, few top this loser for sheer bloodlust. Cave-hidin' dick!

#1. Bush and Dick (George W. and Cheney)
And the Biggest Dicks of the Decade are: George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Not really a very big surprise, is it? Who else caused as much chaos, death, and destruction as these two massive dicks during the past decade?

Sure bin Laden and Co. killed nearly 3,000 innocent people on 9/11, but that's nothing compared to the mass slaughter and destruction unleashed by Bush and his sidekick Dick in their completely illegal, unnecessary, and unprovoked invasion and occupation of Iraq. Osama looks like an absolute petty amateur in comparison to these mass murderers.

And let's not forget Katrina; the Patriot Act; wiretapping Americans; the Guantanamo Bay gulag; extraordinary rendition; the torture of detainees, many of whom were guilty of absolutely nothing; a skyrocketing national debt; and the biggest financial meltdown since the Great Depression; and oh so much more.

Whether Bush is indeed the worst president in American history is perhaps still open to debate, but the fact that he and Cheney are the Biggest Dicks of the Decade is really beyond doubt.

Of course, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and the rest of the warmongering, neo-con team of hawks all deserve a mention, too, as do all the members of Congress who went along for the ride.

Huge dicks, every last one of them!

Honorable Mentions:

Joe Lieberman
U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman is not quite important enough to make this list, but he is, without question, a dick of magnificent proportions. From backing the Iraq War wholeheartedly, to backing and campaigning for John McCain for President (even though Lieberman himself was supposedly a Democrat), to personally killing the public option in the Senate's healthcare reform bill, this one-time Democratic vice presidential candidate has time and time again proved himself worthy of at least getting a mention on this list. Incoherent dick!

Religious Fundamentalists of Every Stripe
Fundamentalists have always been a pox on peace-loving societies throughout history, but during this past decade they have really come out of the woodwork to dominate world affairs. Whether we're talking about al-Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan, the almost-complete takeover of the Republican party in America by fundamentalist Christians, or the rise of hardcore religious wackos in both Israel and Gaza, fundamentalists have been wrecking havoc across the globe. Medieval-minded dicks!

For slowly dismantling democracy and a free press in Russia, Vladimir Putin. Vainglorious dick!

For the ongoing oppression of the Burmese people and for keeping the Gandhi of Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi, locked up for most of the past two decades, the thugs of the Burmese Junta. Eternal dicks!

Karl Rove, for orchestrating the whole sordid Bush legacy. Master dick!

Finally, one last thing, do you think that when Cheney's parents named him Dick they somehow knew he'd one day ooze the very essence of dickishness and even top a Biggest Dicks of the Decade list or was it just one of those little accidents of history?

Mike Cowie is a freelance writer who writes about politics, music, film, travel, and much more. You can read more of Mike’s views on his Web site.

Comments

35 Comments

Alain H

Jan 6, 2010 at 2:24pm

This is probably the best article i've read in a month and i read like thirty articles a day so you know it means something. However you should've included the smallest biggest Dick of all, the dick that's responsible for including canadians on that list by which of course i mean Harper the spineless israeli buttboy for _among a plethora Other things_ singlehandedly blocking a resolution agreed upon by all memebers of the francophonie and acting like an israeli spokesman during the israel war on lebanon, for being the first to boycott an anti-racism conference, for emailing jews telling them how much he's willing to sacrifice Canada's reputation for israel But above all for being Proud of everything he's done, Now that is one Huge dick of very small proportions.

You should turn this into a video and post it upload it on youtube =D.

miguel

Jan 6, 2010 at 2:33pm

I agree for the most part, except for #6 "Canadians", because there is nothing wrong with the planet and it will be here and healthy whether we are or not. Saving the planet is preposterous, and deep down people are only worried about themselves.
Miguel

bacon rind

Jan 6, 2010 at 2:33pm

It takes one to know one.

justin

Jan 6, 2010 at 7:27pm

the israeli government??? what about israeli citizens, many of them are just as bad if not worse then their government....

Jeff Montgomery

Jan 6, 2010 at 9:07pm

Alan Greenspan is no longer an advocate of Ayn Rand's Objectivism, and capitalism was not the cause of the financial crisis.

The Fed is essentially a central government bank, the government controls the currency, and the financial industry is one of the most heavily-regulated in America. We have never had a free banking system.

If you want information on the causes of the crisis, from people who know what capitalism means: http://www.aynrand.org/site/PageServer?pagename=arc_financial_crisis

db

Jan 6, 2010 at 9:18pm

how about adding all big SUV drivers?

RickW

Jan 7, 2010 at 8:11am

Jeff Montgomery - There has never been a truly capitalist society. It is as much "pie-in-the-sky" daydreaming as is communism, and like the latter is anathema to the natural inclinations of human society.
RickW

Evil Eye

Jan 7, 2010 at 11:15am

How about the small dick 'El Gordo', Bc's very own dickhead.

DR - Montreal

Jan 7, 2010 at 11:18am

All good; however you really should have a Special Mention Dick-Wannabee Category and this of course goes to Tony Blair who is in a class of his own. Lacking the forthright certitude of the who-gives-a-fuck-what-anyone-else-thinks Bush and Cheney, pure distilled evil oozing from their pores, this pathetic second banana leg-humped them hoping some of it would rub off. The quisling Blair was such a limp dick poseur he probably practiced saying "bring 'em on" in front of the mirror. In short, the casuistry of this smarmy fucktard amounted to penis-envy. The true Dick will to power manifests the inner dick-in-itself without pause or introspection. Blair followed his dick idols into Iraq hoping he could also be seen as a Dick with cojones. Sorry Tony, you're a feeble wannabe who probably sits down when he pees. Only real Dicks make the list.

Sandor Hunyadi

Jan 7, 2010 at 12:44pm

I think the biggest dick would have to be the mainstream media. At the end of the decade Candians are left with a neutered CBC, a bankrupt CanWest, and the bland CTVglobemedia. In the United States the situation is even worse. Fox News and right wing talk radio dominante the airwaves with lies and rabid ad hominum attacks. The other networks spend more time focusing on political horse races and celebrity utterances than they do on actual journalism. North American society should be ashamed