Today’s top story—super-sexy Liberal MP Justin Trudeau yelled “You piece of shit!” at Peter Kent during the last session of Parliament yesterday, as the environment minister bickered with the NDP’s Megan Leslie over his performance at the Durban climate change summit.
He later apologized for his outburst although Trudeau remains curiously unremorseful over his involvement with late ‘80s eurodance sensation Army of Lovers. News for Youse, meanwhile, will keep readers updated on whether or not Peter Kent really is a piece of shit.
U.S. defense secretary Leon Panetta dropped in on Baghdad today to announce the formal end to the “war” in Iraq, which media in general commemorated by underestimating the number of Iraqi dead (“tens of thousands,” according to Reuters), but only by a mere 900 thousand or so ( “Over One Million Iraqi Deaths Caused by US Occupation”— Project Censored, 2009.)
A related story in the New York Times yesterday details how secret transcripts from an internal investigation into the slaughtering of Iraqis in Haditha by Marines in 2005 were found in a junkyard outside of Baghdad—a massacre described in the report by one general as “a cost of doing business.”
“They could not understand why so many Iraqis just did not stop at checkpoints and speculated that it was because of illiteracy or poor eyesight,” reads the report. Back at home, lawyers for Jerry Sandusky made their own robust attempt to blame the victim by arguing that the former Penn State assistant coach wasn’t serially raping kids in a shower, but teaching them “hygiene”.
Attorney Karl Rominger told Pennsylvania’s ABC27 News, "Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills like how to put soap on their body."
This follows an attack by lawyers on the credibility of Mike McQueary, who blew the whistle on the ongoing cover-up at Penn State after he witnessed Sandusky forcing basic life skills on a prepubescent boy. Addressing those of us “naive enough” to believe that officials at the university—including president Graham Spanier—would fail to protect children from a serial predator, attorney Joseph Amendola dismissively remarked, “I suggest you dial 1-800-REALITY.”
Turns out that a writer at Deadspin.com did dial 1-800-REALITY and discovered that it's a real 1-800 number for a gay phone sex line. Oopsies!
If all this dread and horror, not to mention inadvertent black comedy, is getting you down, why not allow your imagination to wander to the sunny South Pacific island paradise of Tuvalu, where a canoe carrying the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will be borne aloft on the shoulders of young islanders dressed in skirts of coconut fibre. The young royals are scheduled to visit Tuvalu as part of next year’s diamond jubilee celebrations—and you’re not, suckers. Happy holidays!