the monster

Last night I found out that my dad has been having an affair. My first thought was how terrible I felt for my poor mom, who has had to put up with him and his selfish ways all of these years. And my second thought was the complete shock that someone could possibly find my dad even the least bit attractive. How could he do this to us? To our family? I feel hollow and sick. School is starting up again for me tomorrow, and I can't let him ruin another semester for me. Sometimes I feel like the best revenge would be to become the best student in the world, which is something he could never do. My entire education thus far may just be a result of my anger towards him and my need to make him feel stupid.

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me2

Jan 6, 2015 at 7:50am

i'm past it now but it's disgusting how much it humiliated and hurt my mother and in turn the rest of us. hold your head up high, so should your mother, you don't deserve this and did nothing to deserve this. it's going to be tough for awhile but you'll get through it. will bring the rest of you closer together. some men just can't or don't want to keep their pants on, so selfish. good idea to funnel your anger through school, i did the same and it really helped to become removed from the pain. good luck to you all. btw - for all those out there that are cheating on spouses and think they can keep it a secret, you will be caught sooner or later.

Lovely L.

Jan 6, 2015 at 8:37am

Please,please,please do everything you can to educate yourself and be the BEST you can be. Your father may have started a fire but take it and let it motivate you!
Let your mother inspire you, you may be in a position to help her someday.
Focus.
X

Bruce

Jan 6, 2015 at 9:13am

I wonder if he needed some respite from the pass-aggressive hostility of his wife and daughter?

just curious

Jan 6, 2015 at 9:43am

Just curious. What if your mom was withholding sex from your dad? Not saying he shouldnt have been a man and just left the marriage first, but sometimes the cheater isnt always 100% to blame. IMO. Usually (not always) its not just a result of pure selfishness in a relationship. If someone was to be totally honest about it normally infidelity is due to a brake down in a relationship, and a brake down is almost always an equal two sided contribution.

Again, he should have been a man and simply left the relationship before having sex with someone else because no one should stay in a relationship that doesnt make them happy regardless of kids.

HeatherC

Jan 6, 2015 at 10:16am

High achieving in school is a common way to cope with dysfunction at home. It is a positive way for you to control your life - much less destructive than acting out with drugs, trouble with the law, etc. I hope that you might seek some professional counseling to help you deal with your anger - it can eat away at you over time - but throwing yourself into schoolwork will only benefit you and your future happiness.

ugh

Jan 6, 2015 at 11:02am

This is brutal! I certainly emphasize with you and completely understand your desire for revenge. There were times I would have unloaded a world of hurt on my father if I'd had that ability. His endless betrayals did some lasting damage to my psyche and sense of self-worth.

I like your idea of getting a good education because it's something he couldn't do; I did the same thing. I took the education route. And I also got (get) lots of professional counselling and foster a healthy relationship with myself through exercise, meditation, and sound nutrition.

I'm an old and I long ago parted ways with my family (20+ yrs) but those knee-jerk reactions still happen. I sometimes turn on myself and blame myself for being somehow deficient when caught of guard. BUT I've learned how to be my best friend and how to not betray myself. When I'm down or tired I need to be vigilant, but supporting myself is mostly the rote of daily living.

Shit will happen, however I see a maturity and a temperance in your words, and I reckon you will come out the other side of this stronger and more resilient. What your father has done is reprehensible and everything you're feeling right now is completely reasonable. Take this crap, throw it in your engine, take control, and be the best person you can be! You're worth it.

On a side note, and I mean no disrespect to your pain at this juncture, you may one day come to realize how he came to find himself in this situation. The key to my healing was seeing my father as a person who made some bad choices rather seeing him as a bad person. In retrospect I wish my parents had had the social freedom to explore a different way of being in a partnership, I think they would have both been happier more fulfilled people.

My sincerest wishes for your well being.

Steller's Jay

Jan 6, 2015 at 11:25am

From your post it sounds like he lives in a home which is really hostile towards him. "Your poor mom" only had her pride hurt. It doesn't sound like she likes him at all, so what's her loss? From what I've seen, the most important thing for a marriage to survive a long time is mutual respect, and it doesn't sound like anyone has respect for your father nor he for others in your household.

You're also giving him a great deal of power over you that you don't have to (and that he probably doesn't want). He's not "ruining another semester". How good your semester is is completely 100% up to *you*, and if it's "ruined" because of your parents' fighting that's because *you* chose to ruin it.

Sounds like it would be better for everyone if your parents got divorced.

Typical

Jan 6, 2015 at 11:32am

A man has an affair, blame the man, not the wife. Always. This poster is assuming the worst about their father and probably has no idea about the state of their parents relationships. Adults can be extremely impressive in their ability to hide resentment/flaws in their marriage, so to put all the blame and judgement on the father and full on sympathy for the mother is short sighted.

The Four Agreements

Jan 6, 2015 at 11:34am

Be the best YOU can be.

One thought.

Jan 6, 2015 at 11:38am

Make sure you verify with your father that this is actually happening. There is a difference between being accused and participating in an affair. Being wrongfully accused is something that many spouses use as a tactic to hide their own bad behavior. Trust me on this.

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