Why We Don't Approach

So there's a pattern of frustrated confessions from women who don't understand why men don't approach and ask them out more often. There are many reasons why this is happening, but I think I can offer a little insight. Its not as simple as a lack of ambition and drive. First, there is the problem of men finding suitable employment. Someone posted that she just wanted a man with a job who lives on his own. Here's the thing about guys though. Men, by nature, cut to the quick. We read between the lines and get to the heart of what someone actually wants. Many of us are underemployed. We thought we did the right things to get ahead, but are stuck. I just read a story about a man with an Engineering degree who can't find a decent job. He's currently working in a deli. Now, if this person, who has a job and his own place (a tiny condo or basement suite), approached a woman and asked her out, unless she's in even sorrier shape than he is, chances are that she'd look at him with disgust and reject him. Men know instinctively that "just have a job and your own place" does not mean a basement suite and a job making sandwiches. So, because we don't want to waste your time or create an awkward situation where we bother you with a futile attempt at making a connection, we simply don't approach. I swear I'm not trying to write some whiny little MRA screed. I'm honestly just trying to express how a lot of men in this city feel. Also, you have to remember that a good job isn't just about money. Its also about self-respect. When a man doesn't feel confident or happy with himself because his career hasn't panned out, he's not really in the proper mindset to flirt or ask someone out. So once again, we don't approach. On a personal level, I don't approach because of the role ethnicity plays when it comes to dating in Vancouver. The culture at large implies, with few exceptions, that men who look like me are not desirable partners and, I suppose, I've internalized this message. I doubt that many women would want me approaching them whether I "had a job and my own place" or not. This is a difficult topic that rarely gets discussed in polite conversation and, when it does, it isn't discussed candidly. So there you have it. There's a specific pool of men who are considered date-worthy in Vancouver. Within that pool there are many men who are unhappy with where they are in life and so, they don't approach. That's the state of dating in Vancouver.


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my take..

Apr 4, 2017 at 6:40pm

is that there is only one thing preventing you from meeting a woman. Lack of confidence. The other stuff are excuses, and the right woman won't care, as long as you are at least working and heading in the right direction. If you are 35 and living with parents, that may be a different story.


Apr 4, 2017 at 6:42pm

After reading your post, it makes a lot sense to why men won't approach. I think dating in Vancouver in general for both sexes is hard. Thank you for sharing your input.

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@my take

Apr 4, 2017 at 8:34pm

Really? Get the stick out of your ass. Good thing you don't speak for all women. I will gladly date mom's basementt dweller.

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my take

Apr 4, 2017 at 10:02pm

I don't speak for all women because I'm not a woman... I have known guys who have done great with women who don't have their own place or car or a decent playing job. But they are in a band that plays shows and have a certain confidence about them.

You can have an awesome place and great job. If a woman doesn't feel attraction to you, she ain't feeling it, regardless of your assets. Unless she is into you because of what you own, which isn't a road I'd like to go down.

You can blowhard at me all you want. It really does boil down to confidence. I am fortunate enough to have done well enough with my small business and have my own place etc. Doesn't mean I have women beating down my door, and I'm not ugly either.

Randy Rhoades

Apr 4, 2017 at 10:16pm

No, that is YOUR state of dating in Vancouver. Do not lump all of us men together because you manufactured a thought for once in your life. Speak for yourself. This is not my dating life in Vancouver. Listen to me carefully. Find confidence and hold onto it super tight because that's what you need, my friend. Confidence. Adios

Well said.

Apr 4, 2017 at 10:19pm

Good post.

A guy

Apr 4, 2017 at 11:43pm

I was seeing a woman and all of a sudden she chose the other guy, wherever he came from(although there is always a game of bigger better deal being played secretly so I should of been aware), but she said he has his own apartment while I am living with a room mate. So I lost out. Dodged a bullet I guess, but still those are some shallow ideals.

Thanks Op

Apr 4, 2017 at 11:46pm

I really appreciate hearing your take on the subject. You write expressively and thoughtfully, and you didn't use this forum as an opportunity to hate on "all women". Whether or not anyone else agrees with you, I thank you for putting your opinion out there so well. It's made me see a different side of the situation from another perspective. Good luck to you, and I think that if you just continue being real like this, you will find a real woman who will appreciate you.


Apr 4, 2017 at 11:58pm

I lived in Sweden for some time and the difference I find between the European and the Canadian woman is that the European just go for it. If they are not asked out then they approach you and ask. This makes a huge difference to me .....

a woman

Apr 5, 2017 at 12:36am

I'm so sorry you internalized all of these awful, untrue messages. Having a job and your own place doesn't mean having everything all settled and perfect and wrapped up in a bow. I mean, I can't see myself dating someone who is living in a van down by the river, or someone who never leaves his parents' basement because he's playing Call of Duty 24/7, but I have no issue with someone who has a bunch of roommates or lives with family. I'm also very sorry you think we're all prejudiced against whatever ethnic background you're coming from. Believe me, we aren't. I think most people are looking for a good connection, someone who shares their dreams and aspirations, and that ever-elusive chemical reaction that makes us tingle in our secret places.

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