I am Desperate

I just turned 37 and it just dawned on me that I am not going to have a happy ending. I have no kids and no man. All of my friends are married and on baby number one or two. Facebook is a constant reminder of how pathetic my life is. I am so sick and tired of being the single friend. It just hurts so much. I don't think my expectations are that high. Just someone who loves me and has a job. I am a good person and I really want to have kids because I want to be a mom. I don't blame guys for me being single. Maybe I am not lovable or wife material. This guy on match.com whose 40 messaged me. He told me he's divorced with two kids and no job. I think at least he's honest about his situation. Maybe I shouldn't be so picky in my current situation and give him a chance. I am just so depressed and people keep saying I should just be happy with no man but I am not because I need someone so desperately.

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Hi

Jun 17, 2017 at 4:08pm

Just read your post and I just have to comment

I'm an old (lot older than you) single guy and I don't doubt that you are loving, kind and considerate BUT you come across as desperate; you even admitted to that in the last sentence in your post.

You need to reverse that attitude as desperation is a very unattractive unappealing character trait. You need to be confident and self-assured. People will tend to be way more attracted to you if you are.

Have an awesome day!

9 3Rating: +6

Don't Do It

Jun 17, 2017 at 7:45pm

I'm just a stranger on the internet and I know you have no reason to listen to me, but hear me out. You're only human, so of course you get lonely. But the tone of your post suggests that you aren't really interested in going out with the guy who messaged you. So don't. It wouldn't be fair to either of you if you accept his advances because you "need someone so desperately." If desperation is what's fueling a relationship, its destined to fail. Keep putting yourself out there, and keep doing the online thing if you want. You might also want to consider men who don't live in the city. I'm sure there are decent single guys out there in the 'burbs too. The cost of living in Vancouver forces some good people to relocate. You and I are both the same age, and I know where you are coming from. We see our peers finding love (and perhaps starting families) while we are alone and it hurts profoundly. I don't know what else to say other than the cliche "keep putting yourself out there" but that's all we can really do, right? Here's another sympathetic fist bump from me to you across cyberspace.

15 4Rating: +11

Alternatively...

Jun 17, 2017 at 8:00pm

You could get a dog and a bong.
Then you'll be just fiiiine.

9 6Rating: +3

Hi OP

Jun 17, 2017 at 9:35pm

I hear you, I know how rough we can be on ourselves when we are single. I totally understand your feelings of loneliness and desperation.

You may think you know he your story "ends", but you actually don't. The negative thinking is taking over and it's actually affecting your outlook. Many things can happen in the next week, month and year so keep an open mind and calendar.

You may feel desperate and men will pick up on this. DO NOT lower your standards and date the Dad with 2 kids and no job. If the man can't get his shit together for his own 2 kids, he's not going to be a good boyfriend to you either. You're looking for an equal, not to be a caretaker of 3 people!

I got married and had kids late in life ( late 30s) so know that life holds many surprises.

Keep making yourself happy and satisfied, be it with cooking, running marathons, painting landscapes, going dancing, going to Whitecaps games. Happy people attract people. And if you can be in places where there are more men than women (like sporting events, tech networking nights, etc) that helps too.

11 4Rating: +7

Anonymous

Jun 17, 2017 at 10:30pm

Maybe you should be batting for the other term! Just saying!

5 9Rating: -4

I am so sick and tired

Jun 18, 2017 at 2:57pm

of other women who have let society program them into thinking that they (or other women) are failures if they haven't gotten married & had kids.
PLEASE just STOP and think about how letting society tell you how you are suppose to look & live has affected you -and made you miserable and spending money on things you don't need because of capitalist greed.

6 11Rating: -5

Erick

Jun 18, 2017 at 11:54pm

As long as you realize that he won't give you what you want, a child of your own and an uncomplicated love... And in all honesty you'll most likely become his lover/maid to his kids. But hey, at least you'll be in a relationship? Bottom line doesn't sound like what you want... It maybe hard but expand your social circle by joining a club, sport or otherwise and I am sure you'll be fine.

6 4Rating: +2

@I am so sick and tired

Jun 19, 2017 at 9:02pm

It's not "society."
Most women (and men) want to reproduce. It's a biological drive. If "society" has done anything, it is convince people that it's 'sex drive' (in and out and in again) rather than a reproductive drive that creates serious pair-bonds. Of course, if someone has had 10 sex partners by 25, she's prob. incapable of pair-bonding in the appropriate sense. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I fully agree that some men and women don't want kids, but they're a minority.

8 4Rating: +4

I was 37 and forever single

Jun 19, 2017 at 9:37pm

... and now I'm 38 with the most wonderful partner. For me the fear of being too old to have children compounded the loneliness. I started making plans to have a baby on my own and it completely changed my outlook on life. I'm not saying that's why I met my partner, but it definitely took the element of desperation out of dating.
Don't give up!

7 3Rating: +4

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