My boyfriend won't stop being friends with her... AmI just jealous or is there an issue?

Okay so several years ago I developed a crush on this man and fell in love with him. He got into a serious relationship with someone and so I still loved him but I didn't put myself out there. I gained a friend and we became best friends we did literally everything together! He and that girl broke up. And then my friend became friends with him and eventually we all started hanging out.. my friend got a boyfriend and sorta blew me off but we were still friends and then we all grew closer and then me and that guy started dating but I was still bothered by their friendship. If we working and someone would come in just to tell me that they saw my boyfriend and friend together at the store and they were awful close. I later found out that before we started dating she asked him to have sex with her and that her boyfriend wouldn't care and she was pregnant with her boyfriends baby at the time! They have grown closer recently and I'm really bothered. They started texting and FaceTiming all the time and hanging out. When they texted they would tell each other they loved each other and send kissy faces and hearts and be all flirty. When I confronted them they both freaked out on me and told me I had a jealousy problem and that they were just emojis. My boyfriend and I used to fight ALL the time over her and we have almost broke up several times too. I love him and wanna be with him but I'm miserable because of her. He stopped speaking to her and hanging out with her for almost a month and a half. I asked him why last week and he told me it's because he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and she he stopped. Randomly two days ago he told me he was going to her house. And begin to freak out and then he was like well I can't because she's out of town. And then I got upset and he was like I am only going to give her the shirt I got her when I was on vacation. So I calmed down. But all yesterday they were Snapchating and he wanted to go to the movies with some of his other friends and I agreed and said okay you go have fun and you can do whatever you want without asking but please don't upset me by being with her and he got happy and made me shake on it and he kissed me and told me he loved me. Today they were still Snapchatting and I got mad and said has she asked you to hangout yet? And he was like, yes! And I said, well are you? And he responded, yeah prolly. I get angry and he goes home he waits a few hours but we finally get on FaceTime and he tells me to explain why I am so mad. I asked him why he told me he dropped her cuz he loves me last week and then tells me yesterday to shake on it and then today they are buddy buddy. He got mad and was like I didn't mean it that way. I just don't understand why you're so mad? I am always the third wheel with them. My boyfriend doesn't even know who I am when she is in the room. They are so close the entire town things her baby is his and I have to live with that. People ask me all the time if I find their friendship weird. It hurts. Am I crazy or is there something wrong here?

22 Comments

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rbbb

Jun 18, 2017 at 9:59am

he sounds like a cheater, your feelings are valid i would break up and find someone that respects you

12 4Rating: +8

Elly

Jun 18, 2017 at 11:57am

Your problem is two-fold. First, you need to be honest with your boyfriend about how the girl makes you feel insecure or unsettled. Express to him that his friendship with her makes you doubt that he is still committed to you. If he brushes it off or overall, undermines your feelings or the importance of this, then perhaps you may need to re-assess this relationship you have with this guy. He may not be the guy for you anymore.

Second, you need to really look deeper into your feelings and emotions to understand why you feel so threatened by this female friend of his. Understand the gravity of this issue because whether it is this boyfriend or the next, it is likely that they'll have female friends that they share a deep bond with. So overcoming this sense of threat or insecurity has to come from you. You need to process through why you feel so insecure about it. Is the problem really coming from the girl or is coming from within you? To which you are projecting those issues onto the female friend because she symbolizes everything that you don't like about yourself? This won't the last time your significant other will have a close friend of the opposite sex. It is not to say that the your significant other should leave you out to dry but over-dependence on your significant other to provide you assurance and security will be tiring on both parties eventually.

So really, the "ideal" situation would be to have a honest sit down with your boyfriend. Assess what about this female friend of his that threatens you or makes you unsettled and whether such issues hinder the development of your relationship with your boyfriend. More importantly is, if he's willing to work on it such as providing you more reassurance, will YOU be willing to work on your insecurity as well? Confidence and trust in your relationship comes from within you first. If you doubt for a second that you may not be able to do it, then pause this relationship and focus on yourself. There is something far greater than this relationship going on and you owe it to yourself to be happy and confident in what you involve yourself in - particularly in intimate relationships.

5 5Rating: 0

Let me guess

Jun 18, 2017 at 12:54pm

You have major daddy issues and have a history of dating men who don't really love you, but that just intensifies your quest to get them to be totally in love with you. It's a vicious cycle, try being with someone who truly loves you and this might stop happening. I have (had, actually) a friend who is locked in this same shitty pattern. I tried my best to help her snap out of it, but gave up in the end. She just does not want to snap out of her nightmare.

7 11Rating: -4

yeah

Jun 18, 2017 at 2:31pm

He's totally playing you.

If you have any doubts about that you're super crazy.

15 2Rating: +13

APerson

Jun 18, 2017 at 2:42pm

I think what's going on is you sense they have a deep connection and that's making you feel threatened because you don't feel that the depth of your connection matches the one with her. And from all you described, you could be right about that. But more importantly, whether right or wrong, this is always going to be an issue. He has already proved to you that he is not going to stop communicating with her in spite of your feelings about her. So he does value her. You will need to decide if this is something you can accept or not. If you can't accept their friendship then you have to let him go. If you want to try to accept it, him being open about their contact might be helpful.

Honestly I don't believe his reasons for the month and a half break. I think they had some sort of fight with the way he randomly started picking up where they left off. If his reasons were true he wouldn't have done it again. Red flag. Also though I've expressed affection for close friends of the opposite sex it's been done in context and I've never sent constant kissy faces and hearts, just sayin'.

In short: this guy isn't gonna change, his friendship (or whatever) with her will continue no matter if he claims different. Decide what you want to accept and if you're willing to trust him.

9 4Rating: +5

I'm sorry

Jun 18, 2017 at 2:49pm

but it sure sounds like your b/f gets along better with your friend.

13 3Rating: +10

Something's wrong

Jun 18, 2017 at 8:22pm

Sounds like a stupid teenage drama. Dump him and please don't write any more confessions.

27 6Rating: +21

Anonymous

Jun 18, 2017 at 10:00pm

Sounds like neither your partner nor your friend fully respects your boundaries.

20 2Rating: +18

I Dunno

Jun 18, 2017 at 10:25pm

Ask Ann Landers......google her name if you don't know who she was

7 3Rating: +4

Sad

Jun 19, 2017 at 12:46am

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE... he's playing you both. he wants open casual.... He and his fwb are looking for something non-committed. You need find a mature man.

14 3Rating: +11

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