Too much hurt bottled up

A lot of my childhood trauma is starting to surface after repressing it so long. I came from a household where my father abandoned us and my mother was an alcoholic, aggressive, and violent human. My mother used to use us a human punching bag and told us horrible things to the point that I believed that I was garbage. As a child my mother and her erratic behaviors destroyed all of my friendships to the point where I grew up to be a loner. Since I was a loner, I still have difficulties making friends or I would chase them away by trying too hard to get potential friends to like me enough to be their friend. Throughout my adulthood I went after men who never loved me nor wanted me. Due to my poor self-esteem, I used to beg these men to give me some of their attention because I taught this is how men supposed to be. I subconsciously copied my mother's behavior when it came to men. Since Vancouver is a unfriendly city and my wages can't afford me to see a counselor, I am glad this confession took weight off my chest.

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You are not alone

Aug 19, 2017 at 5:21pm

I too have had a troubled childhood where the adults in my life let me down and created a horrible environment that any friends I had as a child didn't stick around. It's hard to make friends when you are broken. Take some time to heal take some books self-help books out of the library. You are loved and burn those negative internal tapes with some new mantras. You will overcome this and you are loved.

15 9Rating: +6

Me too

Aug 19, 2017 at 7:26pm

My father rejected me whenever I did something to try to get his attention and make him love me. I would go on to repeat this pattern of rejection well into my adult life. The only reason why I stand tall and invincible today is because I lucked out and crossed paths with a man I admire who in turn lights up with joy when he sees me. He's not even my boyfriend, and there's nothing going on between us, but I'll take what I can get. I wish for better for you.

18 8Rating: +10

Hi OP

Aug 19, 2017 at 9:52pm

i am so sorry you went thru this horrific childhood Honey. I understand where you're coming fron. Please Know that dysfunctional families produce dysfunctional children who experience trauma growing up. It was out of your control and your parents did not know any better. I was also from a dysfunctional family and have had sexual, intimacy and self-sabotage/self-esteem issues for years. I am now starting to heal because i met my TrueLove. She has initiated healing in me and i have initiated healing in her. TrueLover Heal Each Other, sometimes in mysterious invisible Super-3-dimensional ways unexplainable by scientific theories to this day. Quantum Physics does explain quantum entanglement and thus as a deduction one can postulate that 'soul' can be shared by two physical beings in two different bodies who in spiritual/physics way are instantaneously/distance-irrelevantly connected thru the Life Force energy we call 'soul/spirit/consciousness' that animates living humans while 'alive'. Thus two TrueLovers who recognize each other at 'soul' level will persevere and keep on trying to be together and work things out, no matter what obstacles or 'relationship' problems or interferences they face. i hope this makes sense OP. All will be well for you <3

14 8Rating: +6

Love You!

Aug 20, 2017 at 8:28am

Love You!

me too babe

Aug 21, 2017 at 9:02am

it still hurts, I still screw up, but I try to be gentle and forgive myself, find people who love me not just want me. wish the same for you darling <3

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