I am still here but only half living.

I posted here back in October about the abusive relationship I had been in and the things going on at that time (where my ex had posted intimate images of me) Right now, things look like they will be getting better, but on the inside of myself I still feel completely defeated. I have this insane craving for revenge on my ex for what he did to me, but I know that whatever satisfaction that would give me temporarily would only prolong this suffering for myself in the long run. It's not only the things he did to me that hurt, but that fact that I fell in love with him and its like he just broke my heart and dumped me a long with all this. Some days I feel okay, some days I feel numb and other days I wish I could just disappear forever. I know it will not be over until I stop obsessing about it..until I feel safe again. And right now I don't. It has disrupted everything in my life. I have no income anymore because I have had so much anxiety about going into the public. I've missed probably 5 job interviews because of my anxiety and depression because of this. It's hard to even go out to get groceries without feeling overwhelmed. I have this painful feeling and fear that one day I will end up on one of those sites where my information is given out to whoever sees it and if that ever happened I feel like I would end my life. I was only finally able to tell my family recently, but they don't quite get how much this has affected me. I just wish someone could tell me how this is going to pan out. It feels like too much weight on me, no matter who is there to support me. I just needed to post again because I still feel trapped in all of this, and uncertain of myself because I am going insane and I have never felt so out of control of my mind and body. I really appreciate the comments last time and knowing that there are people who think this is just as fucked up as I do, and were willing to give me information on what I could do. It really helped me so much. If any of those people who read my last post see this, I want them to know I am working on it and how grateful I am that there are still kind people in the world.

5 Comments

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Anonymous

Dec 5, 2017 at 4:16pm

Relax.

You put 100x more value, pain wise, than anyone else is capable of.

Time as they say, heals most things.

5 10Rating: -5

Justice, not revenge

Dec 5, 2017 at 11:21pm

Maybe getting justice would help you feel empowered to move on? Is there anything you could do? For example, if he lied on his table returns, you could call in anonymously to the CRA? Something similar? Did he lie on his resume? You could report that... I'm guessing that if he did something that terrible to you, he probably did other d-bag things.

11 5Rating: +6

Best revenge

Dec 6, 2017 at 6:39am

So it sounds like you left him. Good! Hopefully there is no contact with him whatsoever. You have a fresh start. It's normal to feel sad but this breakup was extra tough for sure. Don't beat yourself up about job interviews missed or thinking that you should be doing better. Just take care of yourself and try to spend time with people who make you feel good. You are picking up the pieces and that's ok. Celebrate your successes and little by little you'll feel better. I don't know what to say about the anxiety. Changing your look may give you a fresh start, confidence, feeling of anonymity. You may have to force yourself to go to the job interviews but once you do, you'll be glad you did. Sharing "I just went through a bad breakup and I'm looking for a fresh start" might be such a weight off your shoulders and endearing. Depends on the job and the people. I know you're feeling down, but try to keep busy. It's ok to lick your wounds for a while. Eventually you'll be ready. Treat yourself and talk to yourself like you would your very best friend. Little by little you will move on. Life goes on! This will bring good things. Your best revenge is to live your life. Good luck :)

7 4Rating: +3

Revenge also

Dec 6, 2017 at 5:42pm

Revenge can be justice. Your desire for revenge is part of your genes: it's there for a reason. It's these assholes that proceed with impunity that keeps bad things happening to good people, keeps good people feeling like shit asking themselves what they could have done, blaming themselves for being wronged.

Destroy his sense of impunity and you will help the next good person that he would have shit on. He'll be afraid.

6 4Rating: +2

Anonymous

Dec 7, 2017 at 7:14pm

hello, you don't know me, but I want you to know you are loved. every one of us tries our best to cope, with distractions. we try to forgot when it's not possible, but we try to remind ourselves with affirmations and create safety plans to turn to for panic attacks, etc. re-wiring our thoughts are difficult. sometimes, visiting a centre which offers a listening ear, education, or therapeutic activities can help relieve stress and remind us we are strong. there are also many groups online if it's too frightful in person. i'm struggling myself as well, but I have people who remind me I am strong. don't let anyone down-play how valuable your personal experiences. today I had a tough day and this was posted in this online guidance forum: " inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event control your emotions." take small steps, like opening the window for a deep breath of fresh air, celebrate these moments. I believe in us! *hugs for you

8 4Rating: +4

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