I'm scared

My young adult son is trying to find his path in life but doesn't seem to have the ability to think things fully through. He blames others for his own mistakes/ situations and I'm really worried for his future. It's hard because he doesn't want to listen to any advice that we (parents) have for him so we are at a point where we just have to watch & hope for the best. This is an extremely difficult & stressful time for us as we watch & hope he will be okay. Hoping we come out the other side intact!

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I guess

Mar 18, 2018 at 5:08pm

Children are not afraid of getting disowned by their parents for bad behaviour anymore. So they just do anything that pops into their head now without worrying about losing anything.
Society has gone downhill this way.

Thisnamebelongstoaregistereduser

Mar 18, 2018 at 6:55pm

My brother is like that as well (he is in his early 20's) and I found out my friends brother is like that too. I am finding out it just stems from how society views "men". (To summarize it because there is so much to it)

With my brother it is at the point where my parents think they are helping him but I view them as enabling, but either way, if any action gets taken he can move in with one of his crappy friends and continue his poor behaviour.

I wish you luck and you are not alone in feeling this!

13 9Rating: +4

Human condition

Mar 18, 2018 at 7:33pm

He's just going to have to trial & error it himself, and all you can do is stand back and watch. Don't bail him out of his mistakes. When he hits rock bottom enough times, he will stop blaming others and take responsibility for himself. Hopefully.

17 9Rating: +8

Advice

Mar 18, 2018 at 10:03pm

Just spend time with him. Skip the advice and let him to come to you when he’s ready to listen.

I do sports with my kids. They share in a more natural environment.

It’s time

Mar 18, 2018 at 10:29pm

One of the hardest parts of parenting is learning how and when to let go. As a parent of 4 who are all adults now, I have had to constantly remind myself that it’s not my life, their path is theirs alone, and my role now is not to fix their mistakes or tell them what to do. Everyone must learn from their own experiences. When we see our kids doing something that we are pretty sure is not going to end well, I think the best thing that we can do is to try to engage them in a conversation about it in such a way as to encourage them to think through the possibile outcomes. Ultimately though, what they decide to do is not your problem. I know how hard it is but there really is no good alternative. Trying to tell them what to do only guarantees that they will resent you for interfering.

18 9Rating: +9

Well...

Mar 18, 2018 at 10:30pm

don't bail him out when he falls flat on his face....it's the only way he'll grow up to be a self reliant adult.

17 8Rating: +9

Life teaches

Mar 19, 2018 at 1:16am

What you say now means nothing. How he was brought up to think is everything you are facing.

Whatever you didn't teach life will hand over with a wallop. Too late.

16 9Rating: +7

Illness

Mar 19, 2018 at 8:26am

Personally I do not believe in letting a person fail so things will be ok if your child is not well. Responsible parenting means you need to help them if they are mentally ill. I have watched one family where the parents know the child is very ill but do nothing to help. Life will not correct the matter. They will end up in a horrible situation. This family the dad will go to his grave with a pile of money. Why did he not get help for his kids? He refuses to give them any help, says cruelty will work. Proper help will. Have an intervention if needed give them a chance if you truly love them. It is thier life but you should provide wisdom and guidance.

14 8Rating: +6

bitter truth

Mar 19, 2018 at 9:40am

You need to be honest with him. Give him an example of something bad that happened and show him unequivocally how he caused it. Young people need unflinching confrontations with self responsibility, and unfortunately, the longer they go without it, the bigger a dose of it they will usually need.
I will also add, sorry, I know parenting is super hard, but this is usually the result of a child who has not had to cope with the effects of their behavior and choices, whose parents have cushioned their landings too often. I have a lot of empathy for the reasons parents do this, but by the time kids are approaching adolescence, it's essential they develop a sense of agency, which comes from taking responsibility for one's choices.
(From a long time alt ed teacher who taught many, many troubled youth and young adults)

13 8Rating: +5

@It’s time

Mar 19, 2018 at 9:55am

The problem is that for the last few decades we'd had radical marxists meddling in the family structure. Plenty of women who had responsible husbands who provided for their families, didn't strike them, sure, they yelled sometimes, but that's normal human behavior (and the wives yelled too) were convinced by radical marxist feminists with an agenda that this was "verbal abuse" and that it was a good reason to get a divorce.

They performed, basically, an unethical experiment on unwitting mothers (and fathers, but mostly mothers) who bought into their advice, after all, they were "professionals." It has destroyed generations of young men. Men need fathers around. This whole 'everyone makes mistakes, you've got to let go,' the whole social contract surrounding that is that a child is going to have a mother and a father to have not prevented the mistakes, but, when they were younger, offered advice, correction, etc.

I agree that people need to learn how to stand on their own two feet, but let's not kid ourselves: humans are individuals, but that individuality is expressed in society, and for the last several decades, as @Thisnamebelongstoaregistereduser points out, it "stems from how society views "men"." Men are presented as incompetent and unable to function in mass media, and the continual narrative about male worthlessness/the patriarchy is psychologically damaging. Women were _never_ exposed to this, at most women were exposed to "women, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em," a sort of tongue-in-cheek nod to the difficulty the sexes can have in getting along because of biological differences. Now men are basically treated like they're defective women, this is now institutionalized.

To the OP, buy a copy of Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life book for him---it couldn't hurt, and the first rule is exceptional: stand up straight with your shoulders back. Great advice.

9 13Rating: -4

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