It's not what you think

posted March 18th, 2018 at 2:19 PM

I am a woman who has been friends with a married man for almost ten years now. I stress "friends" because we've never, ever been romantic (I'm asexual so it was never even on the table.) I treat him as I would any other friend; he's very much like an older brother to me and he treats me like a sister. He's also fiercely loyal to his wife – he'd rather lose a limb than betray her trust. He's a great guy which is one of the reasons I'm proud to call him my friend. So why, after ten years of completely-above-the-board friendship, does my friend's wife still think I'm out to steal her husband? My friend has other female friends, yet I'm the only one that she refuses to engage with. On numerous occasions my friend has tried to get his wife to join us on our once-every-six-to-eight-week outings, i.e. trying a new restaurant or visiting a cool garden center, but she always declines. I’m an adult and I completely understand that not everyone is going to like you and vice versa, but I'm no longer buying the "she's a single woman and is therefore a threat to my marriage" excuse. IT'S BEEN TEN YEARS. If she'd said that I just wasn't her cup of tea, that would be fine because, hey, there are folks out there that I don't want to engage with either. But to make it about 'husband stealing' is offensive and ridiculous, not just to me, but to her husband/my friend. It makes me feel like a scapegoat and like she’s attempting to manipulate the situation by trying to turn it into something it’s not. Quite simply, I’m not the ‘other woman’. I never have been. If I ever had any indication that my friend had acting in a duplicitous manner – using a separate email account to chat with me, hiding our texts from his wife, lying to his wife about our outings – then I’d completely understand her paranoia and would immediately cut my friend out of my life for using me and betraying my trust (I’m not the forgiving type). But, over the last ten years, I’ve never had any indication that my friend has behaved this way so I’m at a loss to explain why his wife clings to the ‘other woman’ scenario. It’s upsetting. Maybe that’s the point? Thanks for reading.

25 Comments

Anonymous

Mar 18, 2018 at 5:16pm

The dude's wife has every fucking right to be concerned.

Screw you and your "argument" to the contrary.

Not surprised

Mar 18, 2018 at 5:53pm

These other female friends of hers are probably either ones that she made herself, or made with her husband. Sounds like you're the friend that her husband made.

Anonymous

Mar 18, 2018 at 6:36pm

It is not uncommon for women to feel insecure with their partners have close friendships with other women... if you care about your friend enough then back off and don’t make problems for him and his wife!

you and I

Mar 18, 2018 at 7:19pm

are an anomaly! Maybe we have the same friend! I have exactly this relationship with a married man and we have never ever crossed the line. But the thing is, if the wife is uncomfortable then he has to do something about it. But she is going to force him to hide the friendship and that is unfortunate. The only solution is for her to join you, accept you OR he'll have to hide you or stop hanging out with you. What is HE going to do?
But YES men and women CAN BE FRIENDS!!!

Nasty

Mar 18, 2018 at 7:21pm

Let me guess born and raised in Vancouver. Not cool. No woman would want he husband going on dates with someone else. You have no other romantic interest. That is weird. Emotional affairs are more painful than other types. If you discuss the relationship you are truly a witch. You are out of line. I find you highly offensive and disrespectful and selfish. No respect for marriage.

Talk to her

Mar 18, 2018 at 7:42pm

Maybe you should ask her to hang out with you, without her husband? Maybe do something she likes to do?

Nope. Sorry.

Mar 18, 2018 at 9:15pm

If you are a married man or woman you don't get friends of the opposite sex.

It's just how it works. Life isn't always fair.

My 2 cents

Mar 18, 2018 at 9:25pm

Your outings with this married man (restaurants and garden centres) reek of a date. Why do you two always hang out alone and in a date-like scenario?? You and the married man don’t spend time within a larger group?? The wife doesn’t need to like you so why do you demand that she does? Women have this stupid need to be liked and honey, it doesn’t sound like you’ve earned the wife’s respect at all.

What ?

Mar 18, 2018 at 10:25pm

a woman making false allegations.....never !

I still think this is poor boundaries

Mar 19, 2018 at 12:44am

The wife is probably jealous because her husband has an emotional bond with you. Come on, you ARE an adult. It doesn’t matter if you are sleeping with guy. You don’t respect that you are making the wife uncomfortable. If you are causing a riff between a husband and wife you need to back off.