Waiting for the bell to ring

My mother died this morning. She had been in pain for so long suffering in ICU. It was hard to see her with all of those tubes coming out of her. I didn't think seeing someone on life support would be so disturbing. I felt bad because I had to explain to my grandma who was ecstatic that she seemed to be breathing so well on her own that it was actually the machine breathing for her. Watching her chest pump up and down like a robot will haunt me forever. I put my mom through hell as a teenager and although I'm almost 30 I keep having remorse feeling like I some how contributed to her illness in the long run. I realize that's an irrational thought and that she wouldn't want me to be feeling this way. When I left the hospital last night I brushed her hair, talked to her about random crap just so she could hear my voice, told her that her cats were happy, being taken care of and while holding her hand told her I loved her. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said, "I'll see you later." When I went to sleep last night she was in my dream as her healthy, younger self, dancing around the kitchen to the Rolling Stones while cooking dinner. I think that's how she wanted to be remembered. She was the most generous person I have ever known. She sold a lot of stuff online and was a bit of a hoarder but it was always stuff to sell.. not petrified animals stuck to pizza boxes like you see on TLC. She told me when she died that she wanted her stuff to be sold and donated to cancer and diabetes charities. The rest was to go to animal shelters. I don't think it has really set in that she's gone. That dream was so real. I was just standing in the backyard thinking about the good times. I closed my eyes and the air seemed fresh, birds were chirping happily and I really felt the ground under my feet. Life isn't something to be taken for granted. I don't want to live my life sitting on my ass watching TV and eating fast food. It's a shame that it's takes somebody dying to make you think about the way you're living your life (or not living your life). She would want me to be happy and carry on knowing that she's there in spirit. We made a pact that if one of us died we would put a bell on the door so that whoever died could let the other know there was an afterlife. It's been hitting me in waves.. I found myself about to get in the car about an hour ago to go see her but then remembered she was gone. My stomach sank and I was filled to the brim with anxiety. I know it just happened, but she wouldn't want me to feel this way. I can almost see her hugging me telling me to toughen up all while cracking some dry joke to cheer me up. She was and will always be the light of my life. I love you mom and like I told you I'll see you later. I'll be waiting to hear that bell.

4 Comments

Post a Comment

Keep hanging on

Mar 8, 2018 at 6:44pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away under similar circumstances a few years ago. I was about your age too. Those disturbing final moments still haunt me, but her death was a definite wakeup call for me to reassess my priorities. This is a beautiful tribute to her memory, and you're absolutely right that your mother would want you to move forward and live the best life you possibly can. Wishing you every peace and comfort as you grieve.

12 2Rating: +10

She's looking down at you

Mar 8, 2018 at 10:14pm

This was so beautiful.

As a health care professional I also recommend everyone who is old enough to make their own health care decisions truly think about advanced care planning and also having early conversations about illnesses and how would you want to live out the rest of your life.

14 2Rating: +12

That was very powerful

Mar 9, 2018 at 7:03am

thanks for posting it.

9 2Rating: +7

Take care of yourself

Mar 9, 2018 at 8:10pm

I'm so sorry.

My mom died 13 years ago tomorrow. I was 25, and in denial of her fate right up to her last few weeks. I had a similar dream after she passed: I saw her in front of me; a younger, brighter version of her, smiling and twirling around as if to show me she was better now.

When you're ready, seek grief counselling. Grief is a funny thing. It'll sneak away on an ordinary day, than creep up on you when you're completely off guard.
You will learn that grief doesn't leave, it just changes form and sometimes, it's unrecognizable.

Take care of yourself, like she would want you to.
Again, I'm so sorry; there's nobody like Mom.

5 4Rating: +1

Join the Discussion

To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.