My mother died this morning. She had been in pain for so long suffering in ICU. It was hard to see her with all of those tubes coming out of her. I didn't think seeing someone on life support would be so disturbing. I felt bad because I had to explain to my grandma who was ecstatic that she seemed to be breathing so well on her own that it was actually the machine breathing for her. Watching her chest pump up and down like a robot will haunt me forever. I put my mom through hell as a teenager and although I'm almost 30 I keep having remorse feeling like I some how contributed to her illness in the long run. I realize that's an irrational thought and that she wouldn't want me to be feeling this way. When I left the hospital last night I brushed her hair, talked to her about random crap just so she could hear my voice, told her that her cats were happy, being taken care of and while holding her hand told her I loved her. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said, "I'll see you later." When I went to sleep last night she was in my dream as her healthy, younger self, dancing around the kitchen to the Rolling Stones while cooking dinner. I think that's how she wanted to be remembered. She was the most generous person I have ever known. She sold a lot of stuff online and was a bit of a hoarder but it was always stuff to sell.. not petrified animals stuck to pizza boxes like you see on TLC. She told me when she died that she wanted her stuff to be sold and donated to cancer and diabetes charities. The rest was to go to animal shelters. I don't think it has really set in that she's gone. That dream was so real. I was just standing in the backyard thinking about the good times. I closed my eyes and the air seemed fresh, birds were chirping happily and I really felt the ground under my feet. Life isn't something to be taken for granted. I don't want to live my life sitting on my ass watching TV and eating fast food. It's a shame that it's takes somebody dying to make you think about the way you're living your life (or not living your life). She would want me to be happy and carry on knowing that she's there in spirit. We made a pact that if one of us died we would put a bell on the door so that whoever died could let the other know there was an afterlife. It's been hitting me in waves.. I found myself about to get in the car about an hour ago to go see her but then remembered she was gone. My stomach sank and I was filled to the brim with anxiety. I know it just happened, but she wouldn't want me to feel this way. I can almost see her hugging me telling me to toughen up all while cracking some dry joke to cheer me up. She was and will always be the light of my life. I love you mom and like I told you I'll see you later. I'll be waiting to hear that bell.
The Georgia Straight: A 50th Anniversary Celebration Book
This beautifully produced coffee-table book brings together over 100 of Georgia Straight's iconic covers, along with short essays, insider details and contributor reflections, putting each of these issues of the publication into its historical context.