Familial isolation

I have always been the black sheep of my family. Growing up, I was sensitive, artistic, and prone to experiencing the world emotionally. My older brother, a hyperactive jock, was treated like a king, who in turn treated me like utter shit. When he wasn't mocking me, teasing me, belittling me (all with my parents' head turned the other way, imploring me to get a sense of humour) he completely ignored me. I mean, he'd walk into a room that I was in, and he wouldn't even greet me. My mother seemed to delight in calling me "mentally ill" and implored me to get medication, saying "This is a genetic thing, it's not your fault, you just need pills for this." I moved out at 18. I recently went through a horrific breakup from a terrible relationship. It was fraught with lies, abuse, dysfunction, and instability. I am lucky in that I managed to find the means to just get rid of this person, even though I am now a shell of my former self. My family cannot and will not find empathy or support for me. I tried to tell my younger sister on one occasion, prior to his being kicked out, that he was choking me; she blocked me from her cell phone, claiming I was "drunk" and "sick of hearing this shit." My parents are dumbfounded over how I could be so upset after this situation; they don't have a clue how to be supportive or loving. I am a 42-year old woman who wasted 4 years of her life with an abusive asshole, and is now alone and pretty broken. I am obsessed with the fantasy of a mother who will just take me into her arms and tell me she loves me, I'm good, I'm okay, it'll all work out...never, never, NEVER will this ever happen. Never has this ever happened. Do we all fantasize about the loving, maternal embrace in times of absolute sorrow? I've tried to come to them with my honesty and my pain and they want no part of it. They wonder why I can't just "get over it." Or, as my mother said in a text when I was telling her of how much I was hurting, "Umm....don't want to hear his name anymore. Just sayin'." That is verbatim. My brother went through a divorce and you can best believe my parents were rooting for him, calling his wife awful names, wishing her dead, helping him out with legal documents, blocking her on social media, and so forth. They all vacation together while I am left out (and can't afford it), they have lived in a suburban bubble for their entire lives (I most certainly have not) and I can't help but think that they just don't give a shit. This is a real thing, people. Families who isolate family members. If anyone here has a similar experience, please share. This is the most painful thing I've ever gone through and only my cat--who depends on me for her survival--is making me stick around.

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I am Isolated

Jul 21, 2018 at 9:33pm

In my family I am the younger brother and I am isolated. My brother won numerous academic and athletic awards and is a doctor. I am a construction manager and my accomplishments pale in comparison in their eyes. My family has belittled and treated me like garbage my entire life. I have no contact with them now to the point when I got married none of them were invited.

35 7Rating: +28

Members of the same family

Jul 21, 2018 at 11:14pm

Very rarely grow up under the same roof.
Make your own family out of your friends. I have 3 bothers and talk to none of them,as the only time they ever contacted me is when they wanted me to do something for them. I ditched them,now I'm the black sheep...and i don't GAF

22 7Rating: +15

w

Jul 22, 2018 at 1:15am

i grew up with similar situations. however i got to the point in life that i said to myself about my family...THEY are the problem not me. So i slowly distanced myself and said to myself each im worthy! so i slowly started to do things i wanted to do with my life and excluded them out of it. Hardly communicate with them. Maybe as a suggestion for you is to to realize your family wont change and take your power back and make your own family...family isnt about biologoical. family is who you surround yourself with those that love you. Maybe try some councilling? that could be a great start for healing.

I almost have chills

Jul 22, 2018 at 1:28am

There are so many similarities between your life and my own. I too am the sensitive artist who excelled in school while my older brother was the golden child favourite athlete. Nothing I did was ever enough, and I was told that I was a bad person on an almost daily basis. He also tormented and bullied my younger brother and myself to the point where I would literally scream silently because if I made any noise I’d be the one who got into trouble. None of this was ever acknowledged by my dysfunctional parents, and I was the family scapegoat because I was the one who exhibited the most signs of distress. I was extremely depressed and isolated within my family too, and felt completely alone. I left home at 17. I too have endured repeated abusive relationships in my life, with men who were controlling and mean. I’m much older than you, and to this day I’m still trying to recover from the damage done to me by my family. I’m on good terms with my parents now, but really that’s only due to my willingness to forgive and to not hold grudges, not because they’ve ever acknowledged the injustice they perpetrated. It’s definitely not easy though. I feel for you!!

Anonymous

Jul 22, 2018 at 4:41am

I only wish I'd been told just how destructive my family was - a closeted tyrannical bully father with a selfish money above everything else mother who abandoned the family for...money.

Both of my older brothers are head cases - one is for all intents insane since teenaged years, the other a beta-creep who cannot be trusted to buy a newspaper.

Yet they all try to play the "family" card with me, and more often, against me.

18 9Rating: +9

I'm the black sheep too!

Jul 22, 2018 at 6:01am

Your family is utter trash, and you deserve so much better than you got. You still deserve love and support. Find your own tribe and create a better family for yourself. Families like ours will never change their poisonous dynamic. One child will always be the "golden child", and one the "scapegoat", who will always receive shit treatment. Google this. It's a real thing, and knowledge is power. Hugs to you.

22 9Rating: +13

You're the gem

Jul 22, 2018 at 12:45pm

I've been emotionally segregated by my mom from my siblings and I've been labeled the trouble maker for being the black sheep who fought back.

Guess what? I'm now strong enough to take on the world. My siblings are fragile and self centered like their mother and I realize that not fitting in with a group of lower quality people is a blessing.

I'm next level. I feel deeply, I see strength in pain and I can survive so much more than any of them.

I was excluded because I was meant for more than their standards of living. I have the power to stand on my own without the sick support of people who don't want for better. Being the black sheep is the greatest thing that happened to me. I wouldn't want to be one of them.

Numnutz

Jul 22, 2018 at 1:01pm

This is likely more common than you might think. Your family is toxic but it's not just them. You seem too eager to surrender to being the victim. If people don't treat u well don't keep going back for more. Get help so you can learn to be stronger. I'm sensitive too but I had to learn that my family are not healthy people to be around. No matter what I did I was always the bad guy - there was no winning so I just had to go my own way and limit my exposer. I also had to learn how to stand up to the sharks because they are out there and you will occasionally have to deal with them.

Counselling may help!

Jul 22, 2018 at 1:20pm

It's not your fault you grew up in an abusive family. My advice? Stop reaching out to them for sympathy and support – they'll never be the kind of family that you need or deserve. And that's NOT YOUR FAULT. Please seek out a therapist with experience in abusive relationships and boundary issues. S/he will help you find ways to love and support yourself, to set healthy boundaries with toxic people (including your family), to work through the emotional fallout from the abuse, to form healthy patterns of behaviour that will help you redefine your 'normal'. It will be hard, exhausting work especially at first but, with a good therapist's guidance, you will hopefully be able to reclaim your life as something meaningful and joyful. If you have the time, volunteer at an organization that you care about. (Your local animal shelter, maybe?) It's very helpful to get outside of your own head/heart, even for just a few hours, to give to something outside of yourself. If you can, you may also want to get another support kitty to help provide you with comfort during your recovery. Best of luck to you! <3

You sound...

Jul 22, 2018 at 4:15pm

... fairly bitter, like instead of winning, you want someone else to tell you it's OK that you're a loser, that it will all work out. It won't, you need to start winning.

9 23Rating: -14

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