And the cyclists are just another symptom.

Thank you! At first before I thoroughly read your post, I was going to downvote because I thought it was just going to be another anti-cyclist rant. Then I saw the part about the tour de france and my heart was happy! As a non tour-de-france cyclist, I couldn't agree more. Those entitled bunch make me nuts, particularly because they seem so sure that their fancy outfits make them better cyclists, not to mention worthy of taking up the entire road simply because. I know for a fact that I could beat many of them in a race even on my non-racing bike in my regular street clothes. The pretentiousness is enough to make me gag.

As if spandex/lycra makes you a better rider or something.

I think a lot of them are just gay guys dressing up in skin tight outfits for each other, like a rolling cruising scene. I have gay neighbours who are usually dressed like that, but I rarely see them on their bikes. There's probably a fetish element to it as well, like with leather or latex.
On the plus side, at least they're signaling to you visually from a distance that they're probably not your type.

NO ONE IS TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU

The most kitted out of these cyclists are usually the ones who most blatantly disregard the rules of the road.

There are some extremely competent cyclists in this city who are capable of feats that would leave you crying like a baby. Would you rather they add another car to the road so you can bitch about traffic instead? And usually the hair is a mess under the helmet, that's why it stays on. I think what you're really whining about is that cyclists get where they're going while your bloated wreck of a body fumes in traffic.

What do you do in 5 hours on a weekend morning? I presume you’re still at home, in your jammies, writing out your hate on Confessions while the sun shines outside. In 5 hours I would’ve covered 100-120 kms up Cypress Mountain, Horseshoe Bay, part of Richmond, all in tight spandex, because your crotch can’t handle riding in jeans and I would’ve soaked a hoody in the first 30 mins. It’s hilarious the tight clothing makes you angry and bitter. Personally I love looking at male cyclists’ muscular butts and strong tanned calves. Ever date a cyclist? Endurance baby!!!!

I can't stand the branded bike clothes.

Great post. You're exactly the kind of athletic, virile guy I've been hoping to meet.
Strong, masculine muscular butt here, and great calves.
You can tailgate me anytime, buddy .

... I don't wear a helmet at all!