I was wrong

I thought being the “secondary” to someone in an open relationship was the perfect scenario for someone as independent as me. Turns out being secondary to someone else sucks. I can’t do it anymore-even tho it’s all very respectful, I still end up feeling sad. Back to the drawing board I guess.

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You know my name..

Aug 16, 2018 at 11:14am

Maybe you should grab your fishing rod.. maybe a vest with a bunch of pockets on it.. and ta'kahike.

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Same Boat

Aug 16, 2018 at 1:21pm

At least now you realize it. Some people never do and they hop from one unsatisfactory relationship to an even more unsatisfactory relationship, regardless of how many people are involved. I hope you've also realized that you're worth being the primary person. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to give up all your independence, but you do have to give to get.

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What?

Aug 16, 2018 at 1:22pm

So you want to string someone else along instead of having it done to yourself? Guess what: everyone wants to be special and have priority in their romantic partner's life. If you want to be independent, don't expect anyone to want to devote their time and attention to you.

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Anonymous

Aug 16, 2018 at 2:58pm

@what -Someone can be independent and still be a devoted and loyal partner. Not sure why independence = stringing along. I just don’t necessarily want a traditional relationship where you do most things together/live together etc. But maybe therein lies the compromise? I don’t know. Either way you sound kinda angry.

@same-thank you. And yes I think it’s made me realize I want and deserve to be a primary-and maybe that will mean more compromise than I first thought, but it’s better than realizing that when push comes to shove-your needs don’t/Cant matter by the very nature of what you are involved in. Funny how that doesn’t seem to matter until suddenly it does :p

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Side dish

Aug 16, 2018 at 5:26pm

I'm something of a handful, and therefore much better as a side dish than main course. Most people can only take me in doses.
Don't want another relationship. Those usually find me, thus why I'm rarely single.
A bit of sloppy, physical fun on the side, sure. Emotional investment, no thank you. Mine goes elsewhere, and you're welcome to keep your situation (main course).
Then again, I can (usually) keep those things (mostly) separate. Many people can't.

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Separate

Aug 16, 2018 at 8:02pm

I keep thinking I can keep them separate (forever hopeful) but I cannot. Lucky you :)

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@OP

Aug 16, 2018 at 9:06pm

It's not anger, it's bewilderment at how entitled some people are. So, you want "independence" and you feel forced to "compromise," yet you feel you "deserve" to be someone else's PRIMARY? What you deserve is someone who throws crumbs at you because they don't want to compromise their independence with the inconvenience of a relationship. I hope you tell your next date that because frankly they deserve to know that they're expected to give without hoping for much in return.

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Side dish

Aug 17, 2018 at 9:30am

@separate
I did qualify this ("usually", "mostly").
In the most recent case where I developed feelings for the person (they had no main course, I was separated), I was ready to marry them. And those feelings are still around. Which makes life very difficult indeed.
So hardly ideal all the time, then. But when it works, it's fun, easy and low-maintenance.

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@@op

Aug 17, 2018 at 10:52am

No offence but you still sound angry. But maybe you and I just have a different view of what independence means. You know what else ? We probably have different ideas of what makes a good relationship too, and that’s ok. Just like there are different parenting styles, and different friendship styles...there’s not some sort of weird “one size fits all” mold for relationships. Maybe you’ve been hurt by someone in the past under the guise of independence, but I am a loyal, loving, and awesome partner. I just don’t feel the need to spend every single day with my SO...hence why the idea of being a secondary appealed (until it didn’t). I also am very open about my life and who I am and so you don’t need to worry about me “misleading” someone with these terrible independent ways of mine ;)

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