Reflecting back on a lifetime and a child of the sixties peace and love generation yet most of the early sexual experiences were a form of seduction and sometimes rape beginning at age 12 in those days it seemed that girls were immediately noticed when they developed small breasts. So it was with a neighborhood boy who lured me into his family tent trailer one summer to "talk" and ended up pushing his penis into my mouth and I threw up, and he never spoke to me again and culminating at one point at age 15 with a couple of my so-called boyfriend's friends getting me more drunk than I realized and possibly drugging me before gang raping me in a hotel room. I only remember flashes of what happened but it was like one minute I was okay and the next I was unable to move or get away and they did not listen when I told them to stop I think that my ex boyfriend participated in the set up but in looking him up these days he is already dead so maybe karma is a real thing after all. All of these assaults and seductive things happened years ago but because I was not actually helped to process these experiences because doctors prefer to give out pills rather than talk to people it resulted in a prolonged and painful reaction that took years of self reflection and I probably had PTSD symptoms which were never dealt with because I never really understood myself. I just tried to hide or forget everything. Blaming myself and my lack of natural physical beauty and many of these abusers and users over the years had eroded any shred of my self confidence because I believed that I deserved it because I was not attractive enough. I did not tell anyone this thought but I think I was much more easily abused than the more beautiful and popular girls were and that it was easier to shame me and make me feel it was my fault but I had not realized how easy it was to target me or what to do about it. Thing is that I was lucky to have only a few of these horrible experiences and many people have far worse and they have not been given time and space to process these things and on top of it may be in the throes of substance abuse as result of their memories or the type of personality or mental illness they have developed and they need time. I hope people think about that because I have luck and good intelligence as well as access to reading material and education and it took me a long long time to understand many things about myself.