Together alone

I keep wondering if my whole life will be like this, I have friends, I have a partner and they are people I care for dearly, but I'm always left doing so much alone. I'm a transplant with no family in province, my partner is born/raised here with childhood friends around, I'm even friends with the exes which seems to accentuate my situation. This isn't just a location thing, it's something I've experienced for a long time. I shop alone, go to the park alone, 99% of my beach days my book is my company. I'm not unloved or avoided, this just seems to be what is, what will be.

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You need to become happy with your own company!

Aug 10, 2018 at 2:16pm

Treasure your opportunities for solitude and quiet time with yourself.
Everything else you mentioned in your post sounds like a pretty good situation. I wouldn't mind being in your shoes at all!

10 6Rating: +4

Lonely

Aug 10, 2018 at 8:16pm

You know nothing about loneliness until you have been in my shoes. Born and raised here, but I had parents who were emotionally isolated. I was bullied in high school and had zero friends. I was bullied by a prep school clique in university and was fooled into befriending classmates who were only interested in getting answers to lab assignments and having me do all the work on group projects. (Years later, I was employed at the same place as a leading member of this preppy clique -- and that person, evidently unchanged from her undergrad days, used her power and influence to gossip behind my back and ultimately had me fired.) I am the thirty-eight-year-old virgin, never had a girlfriend, haven't gone on a date in years (and I blew my chance at getting further with a woman due to my social awkwardness and lack of confidence), and have only known rejection and heartbreak. Despite the setback in my career, I did manage to achieve some success, but I don't have any coworkers to hang out with for after-work drinks; I just don't fit in the tightly-knit social circles at work. Even my own family has essentially rejected me, with my mother seeing me as a constant embarrassment and disgrace, and my sisters (also single) who are nice to me only when they need me to do a favour or to bail them out of trouble, but want nothing to do with me otherwise. Indeed, I am unloved and avoided -- by everyone.

I've heard people tell me to embrace my loneliness as if it were some sort of gift. That is bullshit. My chronic loneliness has left me sad and depressed. Yet, when I'm forced into social situations where I'm surrounded by people, none of whom give a damn about my very existence (e.g., Meetup groups), I am even more unhappy. So my loneliness is less of a "gift" and more about tolerating which situation that I would be the least miserable in. Things don't get better at Christmas time (especially when I have to endure forced holiday season gatherings with relatives who ask me when I'm getting married), Valentine's day (the most hated day of the year, for obvious reasons), and my birthday (to which nobody even knows that it is, let alone care to find out). And while I've learned to enjoy solo travel, destinations like Hawaii or Vegas, where people normally travel with friends or a significant other, are avoided. Yeah, loneliness is quite the "treasure," eh?

9 4Rating: +5

I'm always alone

Aug 10, 2018 at 10:00pm

No partner, no friends, no family here. Be glad you are not unloved or avoided.

10 1Rating: +9

Easy prey

Aug 11, 2018 at 1:34pm

Someone will probably take advantage of your loneliness. It makes you vulnerable, and not in a good way. Eventually, a person will likely come along and exploit your hunger for a connection. Like blood in the water, loneliness draws some like sharks.
They will manipulate you to get what they want. As Robin Williams put it once, you will violate your standards before you can lower them. Hopefully, you will manage to not lose yourself and all you have. Takes a while to get it together again. A different kind of pain. Can't describe.

Try real hard. Find friends, online and remotely if you must. Get a dog. Two would be better, so they are each other's friend when you're not there. All of those things.
It will save your soul from getting burned. I speak from experience.

5 3Rating: +2

@Lonely

Aug 11, 2018 at 1:57pm

I wouldn't ask you to "embrace your loneliness".
You've already embraced your Victimhood so fully , it's taking up all your energy.
You say you've "achieved some success" in your career. That means you probably have the money to pay for psychological counseling , yet you don't mention having tried to get help for yourself. Why not?

As for your list of incidents where you were victimized - I'm sure it's painful for you, but it doesn't even come close to what I and other people I know have endured in their lives. Sorry, but it just doesn't.

Please find a professional therapist who can help you to redefine what the problem actually is, and be open to approaching it from a more constructive angle. Good luck.

6 4Rating: +2

Redacted

Aug 12, 2018 at 11:09am

I tried to put my email address here but it didn't go through. These were heartbreaking to read. I'll try an I saw you for the lonely ones looking to make a friend. Maybe music, a movie, a walk, be socially awkward together.

4 3Rating: +1

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