About apologies

I confess that I’m big on apologizing. I’m one of those people who spends an inordinate amount of time thinking. I rehash things I said and did, I recall events and wonder how I could have done things differently in order to change the outcome. I obsess over criticism from others who were involved in the situation as well, wondering if I was wrong and they were right. I play it over and over in my mind; the situation as it happened, what I said, what they said, and trying out various versions of everything to see if perhaps I owe an apology. So many times I’ve come to the conclusion that absolutely I could have made better choices in terms of what I said or how or when, or what I did or did not do. I’ve then reached out to the other person involved and I’ve offered a sincere apology for what I believe I did wrong. To date I’ve yet to have one of those people reciprocate! Not one. I’m talking about situations where I was more than justified in being upset or angry. Situations where the other party (ies) were equally (if not more) at fault for what took place. My apology was, in every single case, either enthusiastically accepted without any acknowledgement of their own part, or else completely ignored. So I’ve finally come to the conclusion that the majority of people have no ability or desire to examine their own behaviour, and find it so much easier to lay 100% of the blame for anything that goes awry on anyone other than themselves. I’m more than willing to be accountable for my own part, but I’m damned if I’m ever again going to offer an apology to someone who has demonstrated a total inability to be accountable for theirs.

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I am like you

Sep 18, 2018 at 4:46am

Except I'm not. If you apologize for the purpose of obtaining a reciprocal apology, then you're doing it wrong. It's emotional blackmail, and thank goodness your apologizee doesn't know what you're up to. Nevertheless, the act of blackmailing leaves you, the apologizer, bitter. I, too, have reflected on the way I've wronged people in the past and I've reached out to apologize, to right things in my own heart. I was pretty much 100% wrong in these cases. Sometimes these apologies were ignored. In one case I got a date out of it!

4 8Rating: -4

People are unpleasable

Sep 18, 2018 at 7:36am

You owe nothing to nobody! You are your own person and you owe no apologies.

8 1Rating: +7

@people

Sep 18, 2018 at 3:47pm

Spoken like a pathological boundary crosser. On the contrary, folks need to be accountable for maltreatment.

6 3Rating: +3

Sorry Bucko

Sep 18, 2018 at 5:32pm

I hear what you're saying, but ... look:
In general, ya apologies can help, but wielding guilt to get stuff from people is kinda shitty. Second, you wanna blame someone for something or something? Or there's like a split-blame thing happening? Fuuuuuuuuuck. Sounds fun.
Third, your conclusion could be right or wrong, but that doesn't make you better than anyone.
I guess what I'm saying is your approach sucks. If you want something from people, better to not be coercive, it works way better and feels nicer to invite people into a nice/comfortable and new situation to discuss difficult stuff. If I was your bud, and you came at me with this, I'd flip you the bird. If I was your bud, and invited you to a situation where I told you I'm fed up with your dodgy shit, that you can't see yourself or your own behaviour, that blahs blahs blahs, you owe me an apology, that I'm better than you for knowing this or that, and for generally creating and hoggin' the moral higherground, would you wanna come over for that? Voluntarily?? Look at your own attitude! Bird 4 U.

2 5Rating: -3

Op

Sep 18, 2018 at 8:31pm

If I offer an apology to someone it’s not because I expect them to give one back, even if they should. I only apologize when I genuinely believe that I handled something wrong. Sometimes it’s been entirely my fault, but many times not. I’m just done offering apologies to someone who has consistently demonstrated that they aren’t accountable for their own behaviour. I’m sick of dealing with people like that. As for thinking that I never owe someone an apology, I disagree. That’s the type of attitude I’m talking about that I hate! And as for you, “sorry bucko”, wtf are you talking about? “Wielding guilt?” Admitting that you’ve done something wrong is nothing of the sort. If someone has apologized to you and you’re feeling guilty because of it, then that’s more than likely because you know that you played a part in how something went down as well.

3 2Rating: +1

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